Right back atcha. I love your comments. You always address what I was trying to do with a fic, which I find really rare.
And I'm interested in Buffy's trajectory from, well, but there isn't a trajectory. . . . the two instances you narrate here aren't exactly "OM" moments.
Yes, I had trouble with this. Neither Angel nor Buffy actually get anywhere in this fic. The idea behind the piece is that I think Buffy is a story about loss of self, and Angel is a story about finding self. What was frustrating to me in writing this (and what might be puzzling to you in reading it) is that the moments I chose to write about are NOT the most significant moments of self-definition for either Buffy or Angel. For Buffy, I'd say the most significant moments are her being Called, her death, Heaven, and resurrection, and the empowerment of the potentials. For Angel, I'd say getting turned, getting a soul, having sex with Buffy (and soul loss), possibly something to do with Connor and possibly NFA.
But I specifically wanted to examine how Buffy defined herself, re: Angel, and how he defined himself re: her. And though "having sex with Buffy" was a defining moment, that moment is more (imo) him defining himself to himself, not him defining himself in terms of her. The best way to get at what I wanted, I thought, was to look at how they both reacted when the other was dead. Both of them, in reaction to each other's deaths, went and took a reckoning of themselves. Buffy did it by trying to lose herself completely, Angel did it by realizing he could move on. And yeah, Angel's more enlightened in that respect (which I think surprised him very much.) But he was a 200+ vampire. She was a 17 yr old.
The net result, though, is someone lost who gets more lost, and someone who's lost who tries to find himself and then tries to find himself some more. There's no evolution in this fic, no progress, and no decisive statement, and I found that . . . disappointing, and vaguely disconcerting (gave me that "why the hell am I writing this; what am I trying to say" feeling). But I consoled myself by telling myself that these questions don't ever get answered, either for us or for Buffy and Angel. What I love about Buffy is she seems lose herself again and again, but she won't ever lose herself, not really--that's Buffy's triumph, her most defining feature. And Angel's tragedy, his most defining feature, is that he seems to find the keys to himself (esp. through Buffy, Darla, Connor, and possibly Spike) again and again and again, but he won't ever really find himself. He has these great big epiphanies, and yet somehow he's always back where he started.
no subject
Right back atcha. I love your comments. You always address what I was trying to do with a fic, which I find really rare.
And I'm interested in Buffy's trajectory from, well, but there isn't a trajectory. . . . the two instances you narrate here aren't exactly "OM" moments.
Yes, I had trouble with this. Neither Angel nor Buffy actually get anywhere in this fic. The idea behind the piece is that I think Buffy is a story about loss of self, and Angel is a story about finding self. What was frustrating to me in writing this (and what might be puzzling to you in reading it) is that the moments I chose to write about are NOT the most significant moments of self-definition for either Buffy or Angel. For Buffy, I'd say the most significant moments are her being Called, her death, Heaven, and resurrection, and the empowerment of the potentials. For Angel, I'd say getting turned, getting a soul, having sex with Buffy (and soul loss), possibly something to do with Connor and possibly NFA.
But I specifically wanted to examine how Buffy defined herself, re: Angel, and how he defined himself re: her. And though "having sex with Buffy" was a defining moment, that moment is more (imo) him defining himself to himself, not him defining himself in terms of her. The best way to get at what I wanted, I thought, was to look at how they both reacted when the other was dead. Both of them, in reaction to each other's deaths, went and took a reckoning of themselves. Buffy did it by trying to lose herself completely, Angel did it by realizing he could move on. And yeah, Angel's more enlightened in that respect (which I think surprised him very much.) But he was a 200+ vampire. She was a 17 yr old.
The net result, though, is someone lost who gets more lost, and someone who's lost who tries to find himself and then tries to find himself some more. There's no evolution in this fic, no progress, and no decisive statement, and I found that . . . disappointing, and vaguely disconcerting (gave me that "why the hell am I writing this; what am I trying to say" feeling). But I consoled myself by telling myself that these questions don't ever get answered, either for us or for Buffy and Angel. What I love about Buffy is she seems lose herself again and again, but she won't ever lose herself, not really--that's Buffy's triumph, her most defining feature. And Angel's tragedy, his most defining feature, is that he seems to find the keys to himself (esp. through Buffy, Darla, Connor, and possibly Spike) again and again and again, but he won't ever really find himself. He has these great big epiphanies, and yet somehow he's always back where he started.
(cont)