Xander's Magical Cock

[lettered]

BECAUSE I OWN MY CRACK!FIC.

And because I love southernbangel, and these things about Chuck Norris.



Xander's Cock's tears can cure cancer. And it does cry. And weeps. Beads of pre-cum.

When Xander's Cock sends in its taxes, it sends blank forms and includes only a picture of itself with fairy!Spike perched on it, magical and making everyone happy. Xander's Cock has not had to pay taxes ever.

Xander's Cock counted to infinity - twice.

Xander's Cock isn't hung like a horse . . .Unicorns are hung like Xander's Cock.

If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Xander's Cock.

Xander's Cock can draw a square circle. With shimmering beads of pre-cum.

Xander's Cock doesn't read books. It makes sweet magical love to them until it gets the information it wants.

When Xander's Cock was in middle school, its English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Love?" Xander's Cock received an "A+" for writing only the words "Xander's Cock" (in glimmering beaded pre-cum) and promptly turning in the paper.

Xander's Cock ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Xander's Cock can touch MC Hammer. With ejaculate.

Xander's Cock's action figure has made sweet love to more women then most men. And more men than ALL women. Put together.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Xander's Cock open you would find another Xander's Cock inside, only bigger and more beautiful.

Xander's Cock can unscramble an egg.

Bullets dodge Xander's Cock.

A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Xander's Cock drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye with its one weeping, pre-cum soaked eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Xander's Cock proceeded to make sweet love to the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never has been running on Xander's Cock's magical ejaculate. That was 14 years ago.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. Xander's Cock? Doesn't have tendons.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Xander's Cock made sweet tender love here."

Xander's Cock once met Chuck Norris. After that, Chuck Norris not only never roundhouse kicked anybody again . . . he turned into a fairy.

Comments

[killerweasel.livejournal.com]

*dies*

That's hysterical. :P

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Xander's Cock. Is it too late to vote for that to be on a Writercon t-shirt?

[semby.livejournal.com]

I now see the beauty of Xander's Cock. Thank you!

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

I love you. Again. Still. More. Something.

[lostakasha.livejournal.com]

Xander's Cock never pulls out. It is up to Fairy!Spike to know when to push away.

:::laughed so hard at this that I passed coffee pixie dust through my nose.

[aloneinthetown.livejournal.com]

OMG GROSSSS. Sorry, I can't take the whole 'pre-cum' thing or any other nicknames for anatomy/spooge. It just seriously squicks me out.

But other than that, LOL - I loved it!

[timeofchange.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah. What Kita said.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

*cries tears of perfectly beaded pre-cum - from laughing*

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Ask not what you can do for Xander's Cock . . . but what Xander's Cock can do for you.

:o)

[tkp.livejournal.com]

It's already the t-shirt at the Xander's Cock Con.

Do or do not. There is no try. Unless you are Xander's Cock, and they you do all three.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Xander's Cock lifts us up where we belong.

While His Testicles bench press tons.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Only Xander's Cock is not rendered incoherent when faced with Xander's Cock.

And yes. Xander's Cock can speak. And sing songs.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Only Xander's Cock is dead right more often than Kita. :o)

[tkp.livejournal.com]

When Fairy!Spike pushes Xander's Cock away, Xander's Cock multiplies in size to maintain the same distance.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

I don't mind the term "pre-cum" so much as "pearls" or "beads" of any of it "glistening" on any "mushroom-shaped heads" or tips. But most are as you and mind it--mind it very much--it completely squicks them. Which is why, of course, Xander's Cock is shimmering in robes of it.

Xander's Cock overcomes cums over all squicks.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Not to be outdone, Xander's Cock grows a second eye.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

Cock Con! I'm there!

[lynnenne]

Xander's Cock can touch MC Hammer. With ejaculate.

HAHAHAHAHA! That may be the most brilliant use of an MC Hammer reference since Homer's mansion.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

That reference really belongs to Chuck Norris. But Xander's Cock can make Homer Simpson into Chuck Norris, so it's a moot point.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Er . . . Actually, you might be there already. The Big Bang happened as the fireworks opening of Xander's Cock Con.

[stultiloquentia.livejournal.com]

Xander's Cock can unscramble an egg.

OMGmisogyny!!!

...I want miso soup.

*vanishes*

[ely-jan.livejournal.com]

*DIES*

I love you.

*nods*

*writes it with Xander's cock and seals it the the magical, mystical ejaculate*

[tkp.livejournal.com]

OMGmisogyny!!!

Bahahaha!!!

But er . . . Buffy's Ovaries can beat Xander's Testicles in a game of pool.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

*Xander's Cock resurrects you, for it is a love wand undying and true*

[terilyn4.livejournal.com]

ok, you are seriously nutso! this is very funny... how about doing one about Angel's cock? :D

[spuffyduds.livejournal.com]

BWAH!!!!

[rahirah]

I'm just going to back away slowly...

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Whatever you go, whatever you do, Xander's Cock will be right there waiting to make sweet and tender love to you.

Yeah I even scare myself sometimes.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Xander's Cock's Testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny wingéd angels that recognize only one mission: make love and magic.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Angel's Cock is not the Cock of Love. It is the Cock of Pain. It is more liable to rape you than anything else. It is the Anti-Cock. Which . . . makes Angel a very butch woman?

[ex-dovil323.livejournal.com]

Bwahaha! I'm crying rivers, just like Xander's cock. Funniest thing evah!

[bisi.livejournal.com]

I salute you for your naughtiness
cos I'm scared

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Xander's Cock can be a bridge over your troubled waters. In fact, Xander's Cock can link through all 6 degrees of separation, making sweet tender love to anyone, anywhere, in the arse, at any time.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Xander's Cock will make sweet love to your fear until you are filled with an inner glow of joy. Or are turned into a fairy.

Xander's Cock never has wet dreams in bed. The bed cums itself out of sheer unadulterated love (and magic).

[nyghtpet.livejournal.com]

That is astounding.

I have no words for you.

Except I would like to be your friend, as well as friends with Xander's Cock.

*Bows to the cock and kisses the hem of its robes*

[spikeslovebite.livejournal.com]

followed your link from darker_spike :D

Xander's Cock ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

**is ded from hysterical laughter**

priceless!

[spikespetslayer.livejournal.com]

I'd bet that Xander's Cock could end world hunger, nuclear armament, and the greenhouse effect, as well as pollution, racism, and hate crimes if we let it...am I right?

*diez laffing*

[spikespetslayer.livejournal.com]

BTW: Could it also cure my lesbianism? just wondering....friended you so I could read more about Xander's Cock and the magic of his pre-cum....

[greenstone-j.livejournal.com]

LMAO! Only the beauty of Xander's cock exceeds the beauty of this list...

[tkp.livejournal.com]

You may not know it yet, but you are already friends with Xander's Cock. When you look up "friend" in the dictionary, Xander's Cock will spring forth, erect and beautiful, and will make sweet love to you until the meaning of friendship is the meaning of you as well. Or until you turn into a fairy.

Xander's Cock's Robe's hem is encrusted with pearls of glimmering pre-cum. Just so you know.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Xander's Cock can slam a revolving door.

Xander's Cock wants to make sweet tender love to your icon because omg, Madagascar Penguins!

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Xander's Cock does not need our permission. In fact, Xander's Cock has already done all these things.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Xander's Cock.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Xander's Cock would not cure lesbianism; Xander's Cock only fixes things that are broken. What Xander's Cock will do--is doing RIGHT NOW--is making sweet tender love to your lesbianism.

*head kind of explodes with paradox*

hi! and welcome.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Damn skippy! :o)

Xander's Cock did, in fact, build Rome in a day.

[nyghtpet.livejournal.com]

Does Xander's Cock have a livejournal account? To grace us with its thoughts on an up to the minute basis?

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Xander's Cock IS el jay. You already know its thoughts because it's inside your mind. *whistles Xander's Cock of the Opera*

But no, you're right. It should. Too bad I'm too lazy. But hey, if you wanna take up the banner, go for it! ;o)

[ancor4eva.livejournal.com]

of all the posts to read from you, after I come back to lj (after a gazillion years) is Xander's cock. I have missed thee so. =D

[zibbycomix.livejournal.com]

....Wow. I am thinking very dirty thoughts right now, and I don't even know who Xander is! (Well, I know he's in Buffyverse. I just don't know what he looks like or what his character is like.) =P =)

[sosaith.livejournal.com]

reading this list, I could not help imagining the voice Leon "the ladies' man" Phelps. LOL. Xander's Cock for president!