So I shaved my head today . . .
A few months ago ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
my_daroga helped me bleach my hair, then dye it blue. I really wanted to dye it dark green--the color of Elphaba's skin, basically--but I couldn't find that color, so I dyed it blue. I used Manic Panic, which quickly faded to lavendar/pink/red/other, so my_daroga helped me do a turquoise on top of that. As she was dyeing it, our friend Hats points out that it looked awesome half-turquoise and half pink/red/other, so my_daroga left it like that, and for a while it was this really cool rainbow effect that looked a lot like what I imagine mermaid-hair to look like.
But anyway, for a while I've been just kind of bored/fed up/unhappy with my hair. For a while it was looking like Julia Ormond Sabrina, which is pretty much my ideal hair, but then I got a hair cut and it didn't look like that anymore. I don't actually care that much about my appearance, so I thought if I just shaved my head I could get rid of all the color and the hair cut and start over, and it would be interesting to see what I looked like with no hair.
I should amend my statement and explain that I care very much about my appearance, but only when I am reminded of it, which is rarely. Most of the time I truly do find it hard to remember that I have a body, a corporeal self, with corporeal surroundings. I really do believe that I'm the most abstract person I have ever had the opportunity to encounter, which is definitely romantic and interesting but also terribly inconvenient and kind of stupid. It's important to notice the real world and deal with it, but I am not really that interested in it. I know that I should be. I want to be. I want to be beautiful, and part of being actually beautiful is taking the time to iron your clothes and exercise and eat right and comb your hair and wear flattering clothes and shop for flattering clothes and do your laundry, but it exhausts me. I'm exhausted. Dishes and laundry and shopping and cooking and eating and dating and walking and sometimes interacting are often terribly boring to me, which is an extremely difficult and not very sensical way to live.
Anyway, my point is, my head being shaved was a HORRENDOUSLY BIG DEAL for probably about 20 minutes today and it will be a big deal for about 1 minute to 90 seconds to me tomorrow, etc. What was really lovely about it was that the hair dresser who did the shaving totally thought it was a big deal, but didn't treat it like a bad idea. She said that she had shaved her head once too, which I found encouraging. Then practically every other hairdresser in the shop acted impressed and amazed, which made me think that they thought it was a much bigger deal than I did. This was kind of nice, actually, because appearance is such a non-issue with me that sometimes I worry that I diminish my own investment in it just to be cool, and the hairdressers made me feel like it was alright to think it was a big deal, but then I still didn't.
Anyway, my mother was horrified when I said I was going to do it, which also made me second guess my motives, but now that I've done it it just feels very nice. I don't think it looks very spectacular or anything--I don't have a very pretty face. It's not that it's unpretty. It's just that now my primary concern is that people may think I don't identify as female, which is hurtful to me. I am cis, but am very tall and rather broad-shouldered, not to mention having rather more hair than is considered feminine, add to this the fact that I often don't identify with the "female" experience even though I am female and have always been female, and it makes me feel, I don't know, sort of weird and excluded from my own gender. Which is not nearly as difficult or constant as feeling as though you are another gender than the sex you were born, but I do identify with sometimes not being recognized as the gender I feel that I am, even though I identify with the gender with which I was born. With the shaved head, it makes me wonder whether I should wear make-up or more lace, just to let people know you really should be saying "she" and "her."
Oh well. At least for some time I never have to worry about things like gel and hair clips, which is great.
my_daroga helped me bleach my hair, then dye it blue. I really wanted to dye it dark green--the color of Elphaba's skin, basically--but I couldn't find that color, so I dyed it blue. I used Manic Panic, which quickly faded to lavendar/pink/red/other, so my_daroga helped me do a turquoise on top of that. As she was dyeing it, our friend Hats points out that it looked awesome half-turquoise and half pink/red/other, so my_daroga left it like that, and for a while it was this really cool rainbow effect that looked a lot like what I imagine mermaid-hair to look like.But anyway, for a while I've been just kind of bored/fed up/unhappy with my hair. For a while it was looking like Julia Ormond Sabrina, which is pretty much my ideal hair, but then I got a hair cut and it didn't look like that anymore. I don't actually care that much about my appearance, so I thought if I just shaved my head I could get rid of all the color and the hair cut and start over, and it would be interesting to see what I looked like with no hair.
I should amend my statement and explain that I care very much about my appearance, but only when I am reminded of it, which is rarely. Most of the time I truly do find it hard to remember that I have a body, a corporeal self, with corporeal surroundings. I really do believe that I'm the most abstract person I have ever had the opportunity to encounter, which is definitely romantic and interesting but also terribly inconvenient and kind of stupid. It's important to notice the real world and deal with it, but I am not really that interested in it. I know that I should be. I want to be. I want to be beautiful, and part of being actually beautiful is taking the time to iron your clothes and exercise and eat right and comb your hair and wear flattering clothes and shop for flattering clothes and do your laundry, but it exhausts me. I'm exhausted. Dishes and laundry and shopping and cooking and eating and dating and walking and sometimes interacting are often terribly boring to me, which is an extremely difficult and not very sensical way to live.
Anyway, my point is, my head being shaved was a HORRENDOUSLY BIG DEAL for probably about 20 minutes today and it will be a big deal for about 1 minute to 90 seconds to me tomorrow, etc. What was really lovely about it was that the hair dresser who did the shaving totally thought it was a big deal, but didn't treat it like a bad idea. She said that she had shaved her head once too, which I found encouraging. Then practically every other hairdresser in the shop acted impressed and amazed, which made me think that they thought it was a much bigger deal than I did. This was kind of nice, actually, because appearance is such a non-issue with me that sometimes I worry that I diminish my own investment in it just to be cool, and the hairdressers made me feel like it was alright to think it was a big deal, but then I still didn't.
Anyway, my mother was horrified when I said I was going to do it, which also made me second guess my motives, but now that I've done it it just feels very nice. I don't think it looks very spectacular or anything--I don't have a very pretty face. It's not that it's unpretty. It's just that now my primary concern is that people may think I don't identify as female, which is hurtful to me. I am cis, but am very tall and rather broad-shouldered, not to mention having rather more hair than is considered feminine, add to this the fact that I often don't identify with the "female" experience even though I am female and have always been female, and it makes me feel, I don't know, sort of weird and excluded from my own gender. Which is not nearly as difficult or constant as feeling as though you are another gender than the sex you were born, but I do identify with sometimes not being recognized as the gender I feel that I am, even though I identify with the gender with which I was born. With the shaved head, it makes me wonder whether I should wear make-up or more lace, just to let people know you really should be saying "she" and "her."
Oh well. At least for some time I never have to worry about things like gel and hair clips, which is great.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2014-01-09 05:57 am (UTC)(link)