lettered: (Default)
It's Lion Turtles all the way down ([personal profile] lettered) wrote2006-09-09 07:09 pm

FIC: In The Name Of The Father

I don't know where it came from! But I have fic.

Title: In The Name Of The Father
Length: only 1,000 words!
Rating: light R
Disclaimers: Whedon's, M.E.'s, Francis P. Church's, J.M. Berrie's, Sophocles', and that movie with Daniel Day Lewis.
Warnings: language, sex
Summary: For Wesley, it always comes back to the same thing. Wesley/everyone.



X
Cordelia was outside the box. Sure, she was something from inside naughty magazines, something shoved inside the crack between mattress and bed-boards of boys, but that was just it. A bosom that fantastic was something outside of school life, and getting in her was getting out there, and that was Wesley’s first thought. Finally did something right, laying eyes on her.

Two words. Jail. Bait.

Then again, like always, something not so right. Instead she was something inside, deep inside, the place he didn’t like to go. The place where the young ones lived.

And Giles watched on in judgment.



X
Faith was disappointing. Sitting astride him, said his wounds brought out her inner mother. Mentored him next in torture, as if he hadn’t learned that in the lap with pat-a-cake. She confused maiming/impalement classifications. Disappointing.

Brought out the daughter in her, because she asked what would happen if Giles’d been her Watcher. Brought out her Elektra, because of how she fondled him. Confusing division of mother/daughter/lover.

Unlike torture subgroups, this confused Wes as well. He was her son/lover/his own father: “Just one thing to remember,” he tells her. “You are a piece of sh—”

Faith cuts him off. Disappointing.



X
Virginia Bryce was just the sort of Virginia who inspired editors to write, “Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.”

Her father had her on house arrest for twenty years. If that’s not the same as being trapped down below for twenty hours, next her father tried to kill her, and that mirrors a place in Wesley. Children, trapped deep inside.

No surprise she wanted him when he gifted her with freedom. Also no surprise that when he got shot, it “got too real,” and she left him. In that place. Alone.

Father Christmas doesn’t get shot, see. He’s invincible.



X
Angel was fucking him over the desk.

Wesley was a success. Head of the house. Found a way to Pylea for Cordelia—sister. Gunn, brother. Angel . . .

Gentle hands tightened, heavy at Wesley’s neck, hard to breathe. “Wes, do what you need.”

It only took one phonecall home to take him down. “Please.”

Angel pinned Wesley’s hands down, cruel now. “No. No ‘please.’” Dry voice in his ear, deep cock inside hitting—the right—place—“Do what I tell you, hear? Let it go. Now.”

A wracking sob. “Angel, anything, make you proud, please, proud—Father—Papa—”



X
Justine was familyless, but she found it again in Holtz. He was her father/lover/sister—Wesley could recognize the confusion in her eyes, and the censure in Holtz’s. Disappointing.

So when Justine came to Wesley, beaten, telling him Holtz had done it, he saw a sister in her. That was how she managed to betray him. She found his place. Where the young ones were. What a father can do. The deepness of the well.

So far down that though she took Connor, Wes was still with Angel’s son, always. Falling. No family to save you, falling farther, farther into hell.



X
Lilah was for Wesley’s first time, a grown woman. Legal, in more ways than one, and resigned that Santa was supposed to be your parents. She was Wendy, who, on that final night with Peter, found she couldn’t go to that place again.

Lilah silenced the screams inside, used the bodies to pave herself over . Her ambition was to walk on solid ground, to neither fall nor fly.

But it was a lie. Somewhere inside her, Lilah still believed, and Wesley made her believe it. That is why for him, just him, she put on glasses and played dress-up.



X
Angelus was inside, deeper than magazines, mattresses, bed-boards, deeper even than naughty nightmares that drenched mattresses and creaked bed-boards with midnight strokings.

Sometimes Wesley thought he drew him out of the sea just to get him inside, just so with those fangs Wes could finally reach out (wrist first) for release. Not from blood, nor from come. From life, because Angelus existed outside life, and could get Wes out too.

Didn’t happen. That time, Angel was inside.

So when Angelus did get out, the place in Wesley, at the bottom of his deepest well, hoped Angelus would get inside again.



X
Roger wasn’t real. He was a robot. Which made sense when you thought about it, Wesley concluded later, when he was cleaning the gun he’d used to shoot him.

The actual Roger wasn’t the real Roger either. Twenty hours, after all, isn’t really an attempt to kill you. Neither is, “name the ways to break a man, fast as you can.” Memories of childhood are as fake as Connor’s non-childhood. But if he knew anything, Wesley knew there was only one thing to remember. This time, Faith wasn’t there to cut him off.

Fathers don’t get shot, see. They’re invincible.



X
Connor wasn’t dressed in skins any more. Was never played by a woman, never never lived in the land where you never grew up. Wasn’t an orphan, six fathers and mothers too many. Wesley wished he could save him.

“Steal me away?” Connor repeated after Wesley, when Wesley came to him. Connor thought, then laid down his pen.

Later, when they were kissing, Wesley’s hand hooking Connor to him and time ticking away, the boy, breathless, whispered, “Strange. Always thought I—. . .wanted—older women.”

“I’ve always preferred—the young ones.”

And Connor was the youngest one of all.



X
Fred was with her parents, laughing, when Wesley realized, more than wanting her, he’d wanted to be her. Her utter lack of fantastic bosom put him in school life, and for once he didn’t want to get out. Wanted to get inside, not just her sex, but all of her.

Something else got inside first. Staring at that Fred-skin, Wesley recognized himself more in Illyria than he ever had in Fred. Ancient ones. Ones who’d lost their kingdoms, worshippers—homes, families. Sure, Fred had Lost Boy’ed it in Pylea, but Illyria and Wesley shared the same place. The deeper well.

[identity profile] omnie.livejournal.com 2006-09-10 09:53 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh, beautiful. The "fathers don't get shot, see" is the line that got me, too, right in that stomachy place. This fic almost has the feel of sculpture, if that makes sense, like you're carving a Wesley out of all those spaces, and that's really nifty.
ext_7189: (Default)

[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2006-09-11 05:28 am (UTC)(link)
You really capture Wes' need for an absolute truth, which of course he can never find. [...]And I love that's why he loves Fred - because her life is a complete lie (How could a hppy family be anything but) and Wes thinks if he can't have truth, he'll have the fairytale instead.

Um, wow? What's sad is I didn't even think of it that way. I was thinking of the fact that Fred truly, in reality, does have a happy family life, or did. But of course the moment I chose for Fred is one that isn't real at all, because it's Illyria acting a part. Cool.

the abused becomming the abuser (And Connor was the youngest one of all.)

Glad that's what you got from that part. I totally see it happening, too. Wes can be utterly cruel, especially when he is trying to do the right thing.

Thanks so much for giving me so much to think about. I guess I feel like one of my problems as a writer is I don't trust readers to catch the concepts I'm aiming at, and try to spell them out too much. I really tried to hold back from that here, so it's so awesome to have you bring even more to it than I thought was there.

Of course it would be you, because you were just reading the other half of my brain I can't see. ;o)
ext_7189: (Default)

[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2006-09-11 05:56 am (UTC)(link)
Dispassionate, hateful, and self-hating.

That's exactly what I was going for, there. It makes me sad that Wesley and Faith, who seem to have the most influentially BAD childhoods in Jossverse, understand each other so little because they hate themselves so much.

One thing I didn't "get" was Angel telling him to call him Papa--not in so many words, of course, but I guess I felt uncertain as to Angel's awareness of Wes's daddy issues.

One of the things I love about A/Wes (which is my OTP so sooper sekrit I never even talk about it) is that I think Angel perfectly understands Wesley's daddy issues, and also knows just how much those issues get grafted onto Angel himself. If you're really interested, which you might not be but K, SOOPER SEKRIT OTP: a demon talks not only about Wes's daddy issues but how they've been grafted onto Angel--right in front of Angel in "I've Got You Under My Skin". And in "Soulless" when Angel goes Angelus he says Wes's father is ashamed of Wes. Since Angelus has a nasty habit of rubbing in unpleasant truths, my take has always been Angel knows more about Wes's issues than even Wes does (because Wes refuses to face it and Angel knows how people work. Especially how they're weak) and just never says anything because he's too polite.

But anyway, that part of the fic wasn't meant to be Angel saying, "unload your daddy issues now, Wes!" so much as, "Now that I've removed the stick up your ass to put my cock up it you better loosen up or this is going to hurt." No. Um, what I mean is, even if Angel doesn't know specifically what Wes's issues are, the premise here was that he knew Wes is too uptight and self-punishing, and doesn't let go of his emotions nearly often enough. I personally doubt Angel of canon would really ever fuck Wesley, but I suspect that if he did, it would be to help Wes find release--not just sexually but emotionally, of whatever it is his emotions are, daddy-induced or not.

Now, considering that they ARE daddy issues, and the fact that Angel probably has a kink for being called Daddy...that might not preclude future occurences of said fucking...hmm.

/kink
ext_7189: (Default)

[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2006-09-11 05:59 am (UTC)(link)
This fic almost has the feel of sculpture, if that makes sense, like you're carving a Wesley out of all those spaces,

Wow, what a cool way of saying exactly what I was going for. I wrote a list of the times when Wes's family issues really play a big role, and realized each one had to do with a specific person. So I ended up writing about Wesley by writing about other people, which was kind of a roundabout way to go at it, but I'm so glad that worked for you the way I hoped it would.

Thanks!

[identity profile] ares132006.livejournal.com 2006-09-11 08:34 am (UTC)(link)
Of course this is brilliant. You wrote it and I have *envy* for your words.

Everything I like, and that means all, has already been said and praised.

I found the last few sentences had the most impact because I can *see* Wesley in that place.


Something else got inside first. Staring at that Fred-skin, Wesley recognized himself more in Illyria than he ever had in Fred. Ancient ones. Ones who’d lost their kingdoms, worshippers—homes, families. Sure, Fred had Lost Boy’ed it in Pylea, but Illyria and Wesley shared the same place. The deeper well.


Well done.
Hugs
ext_7262: (dean_woundedpretty by greenapricot)

[identity profile] femmenerd.livejournal.com 2006-09-11 10:26 am (UTC)(link)
Hee! I got it and quickly went through your notes but my brain wasn't fully turned on. I think you're right--the last 30% could use some sharpening. Gonna get on that over the next two days...before the homework starts. But I'm kind of confused by what you mean about the "crediting." However, this is not the place to be talking about this. This is the place for celebrating your fic. :P
my_daroga: Mucha's "Dance" (Default)

[personal profile] my_daroga 2006-09-11 03:01 pm (UTC)(link)
Wesley and Faith, who seem to have the most influentially BAD childhoods in Jossverse

Which meshes perfectly with your treatment of Fred/Illyria, given Fred's idyllic family life...

even if Angel doesn't know specifically what Wes's issues are, the premise here was that he knew Wes is too uptight and self-punishing, and doesn't let go of his emotions nearly often enough

This all makes sense--I think my "problem" is that I just don't think about Angel's sexuality that much. It's actually harder for me to see than pretty much anyone else's. So when asked to put him a situation where I'm already a little fuzzy on the details (the only full season of AtS I've seen is 5), I tend to not put it together properly in my head.

But I appreciate your take on it, as always!

[identity profile] crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com 2006-09-11 06:31 pm (UTC)(link)
I read this at work. Argh! Meaning, I have no time for insightful comments. Right now, I'll give you this:

She was Wendy, who, on that final night with Peter, found she couldn’t go to that place again. Which caused me to jump up and down with joy. Also the deeper well refrain. Later, I will give you how much this made me yearn for time.

Why are all of my icons so happy?

[identity profile] anelith.livejournal.com 2006-09-11 07:24 pm (UTC)(link)
You write fic that inspires me to print it out and puzzle over it with a pen, marking arrows from here to there to show the connections and keep track of the "aha!" moments that flash through my mind. Of course I miss most of them, relying on the comments of other more insightful folk that come before or after me in your journal to point out the best parts.

This one I liked noting what I thought of as the "preposition moments" -- your use of the inside/between/inner words, and their opposites. That was fun. And how you tied the last bit back up to the first by, of all things, a "fantastic bosom." Heh.

If I concentrate on the small stuff like that then I don't break my heart over the larger picture of Wesley.
ext_7299: (Angel Light & Dark)

[identity profile] redbrickrose.livejournal.com 2006-09-12 03:32 am (UTC)(link)
This is just absolutely elegant. There's too much to find specific lines to quote, but I love the symmetry and the repetition, the Peter Pan allusions running through it, the insight into Wesley's isolation and relationships. Just amazingly written; there is way too much here to process in just one reading.
ext_7189: (Default)

[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2006-09-12 08:15 am (UTC)(link)
I found the last few sentences had the most impact because I can *see* Wesley in that place.

Fred/Illyria had to be last because he loves her best and also it's a chronology thing, but I wondered whether one of the other bits didn't have more weight. Really glad you feel about it the way you do.

Thanks as always, hon.
ext_7189: (Default)

[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2006-09-12 08:19 am (UTC)(link)
But sometimes Wes smiling just makes me sadder. I just don't ever see him ever really being truly happy.

Glad you liked the Lilah as Wendy bit. Wasn't sure it worked.

And yeah, time. What's funny is I don't have a job and I still have none. I need to send you an email replete with bitching about S7. Because...I can?
ext_7189: (Default)

[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2006-09-12 08:25 am (UTC)(link)
You write fic that inspires me to print it out and puzzle over it with a pen, marking arrows from here to there to show the connections and keep track of the "aha!" moments that flash through my mind.

That's interesting because what I'm trying to do when I write a fic like this is take canon and draw arrows, too. I don't think it'll ever stop stunning me how much things interconnect, especially when it's as tightly woven a world as Whedon's.

This one I liked noting what I thought of as the "preposition moments" -- your use of the inside/between/inner words, and their opposites.

I'm glad you enjoyed that! I have a bad habit of getting obsessed with the words to the point where they lose meaning, and I was afraid I did that here with the inside/outside stuff, especially in the Angelus bit. It just fascinates me how much Wes is about the places inside and holding everything in, when all he really wants is to get out.

So glad you liked it, and that you appreciate the weird word tricks. Thanks so much.
ext_7189: (Default)

[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2006-09-12 08:26 am (UTC)(link)
Thanks. There's so many different things to think about when it comes to Wesley, yet amazing how well they're interconnected. So glad you appreciated my take on that.
ext_7189: (Default)

[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2006-09-12 08:39 am (UTC)(link)
I forgot about your lack of AtS viewage! Yeah, I can see Angel's sexuality being difficult. I mean, mostly because you don't think about it, but also because he has sex so rarely in canon--basically only really ONCE in AtS before S5.
my_daroga: Mucha's "Dance" (Default)

[personal profile] my_daroga 2006-09-12 02:32 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah... And maybe I'm just not interested enough in him to envision his sex life on a regular basis--whether or not he has one. My default position is asexual, or something. *g*

[identity profile] yhlee.livejournal.com 2006-09-13 03:59 am (UTC)(link)
This is spectacular. I have no words.
ext_7189: (Default)

[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2006-09-13 05:30 am (UTC)(link)
Wordless is nice. Thank you!

[identity profile] stoney321.livejournal.com 2006-09-19 03:55 am (UTC)(link)
Well, I won't pretend that some of those vignettes weren't jarring and hard for me, but I thought this: "Roger wasn’t real. He was a robot. Which made sense when you thought about it, Wesley concluded later" was particularly fantastic.

The style of hitting the same themes over and over, but with new insight with each one was a brilliant idea. The final one wrapping up the Peter Pan theme and what place in the family Wesley actually took - all and none - just really great.

"Something else got inside first." Oh, ouch. Insightful, that.
ext_7189: (Default)

[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2006-09-19 12:49 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm glad you liked it. I was listening to your Wesley tracks around when I was writing it, so I should've credited you. Though the ones that stuck in my head for it were actually from your Connor mix. Do you know how much I ADORE that cd?

what place in the family Wesley actually took - all and none -

Yeah! That's what's cool about Wes.

Thanks so much, hon. It always means a lot to me when you leave fb.

[identity profile] m-phoenix.livejournal.com 2007-03-14 09:30 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh my. That was painful. Painful but so very good. I love your writing, you always manage to say so much with so few words, and your understanding of the characters goes as deep as any fic writer I've ever read. I am always a little in awe of you :-)
ext_7189: (Default)

[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-03-15 06:42 pm (UTC)(link)
you always manage to say so much with so few words

Thanks so much for that. I am actually extremely wordy, but I try *really* hard to shave the excess off. On both this and the B/A piece, I set myself word limits for each part. I'm so glad that works for you.

And hey! I feel like I have not seen you around in a long time. I'm glad you're posting again!

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