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Phantom of the Opera book review!
Hey, for those of you who don't care, which is most of you, Andrew Lloyd Webber is writing a sequel to Phantom of the Opera. The sequel's apparently going to be based on a book (read: published fanfic) called The Phantom of Manhattan, by Frederick Forsythe.
I have read this book, courtesy of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
my_daroga, who said it wasn't right to spend money on the thing. I was a trifle worried because even though I wish I hadn't spent money on Kay (author of another published POTO fic), I still like owning it. But I've come to the conclusion my_daroga was right. I don't need to own The Phantom of Manhattan. But in case I ever need to refer back to it, I've made a mini-version.
FRED: The original Phantom of the Opera story was written by Gaston Leroux, but dude, no way were there electric guitars in the time period in which old Gaston set the story. I know because I did research. *beams* Obviously, without electric guitars, there couldn't've been a rock beat Overture, so my best bud Gaston, Gassy for short, must've gotten everything wrong. Except for the fact that I'm still going to use all the stuff of his I want to.
READER: No one's slick as Gaston, no one's quick as Gaston
No one's next as incredibly thick as Gaston
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Kay, Lon, or Andy
And they'll tell you who's team they'd prefer you be on!
SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER: I'm so not friends with Tim Rice any more. Fred is my new boy toy.
FRED: zomg IT'S ANDY!!!!one!!!1!! You're such a BNF, zomg, you're way so much better than canon, zomg, I'm going to put you on my flist, zomg!!!!!!!!!1!!one!!
READER: Yeah, the thing is, I wasn't even a Leroux purist until you started pantyfanning ALW.
FRED: I can't believe you left fb for my fanfic, Andy! *secretly writes Fred/Andy slash* r0xorz.
end preface
MME. GIRY: Everything Gassy said about me is a lie. Also, Erik is a woobie who would never harm a fly! Also, I have a Jocasta complex that Fred isn't an interesting enough writer to explore. Also, take this letter to Erik in Manhattan, before I die.
SOME GUY: Okay.
MME. GIRY: *dies*
SCHUMACHER: The hell? *brings her back to life just before the movie auction, which is why she barely looks older in the movie*
ERIK: There's no way I could've travelled the world like Gassy said, but still be lonely. The only way for me lonely is for me to have only ever have lived under the opera. However, I can hang out at Coney Island, head up major corporations, make billions of dollars, have plenty of business partners, one named Darius, and still be lonely, so what gives?
DARIUS: Give? Who said anything about giving? You're not giving away money, are you? *frets*
SOME GUY: I need to deliver this letter to Erik. Mon dieu, do I want a hotdog.
CHOLLY BLOOM: I totally help Some Guy find Erik. More beer!
SOME GUY: Eh? Who you talking to?
CHOLLY BLOOM: And there was this guy there, Darius, and we give the letter to him instead of Erik. More beer!
SOME GUY: No, really, who're you talking to?
FRED: Shut up! I'm being stylistic.
CHOLLY BLOOM: Yeah, and there was this creepy painting with a masked guy.
MEG: He's there, the Phantom of the Opera!
DARIUS: Plot device, what is my plot?
PLOT DEVICE: You're dedicated to money. If Erik gets less dedicated than you are, kill what stands in the way.
DARIUS: Oh yeah. Groovy. Dude, sorry, little high, here.
PLOT DEVICE: It's okay. You do drugs because you're Teh Ev0l Villain Of The Piece. Erik can't be it in this one. Remember how he's a total woobie and would never hurt a fly? When you think about it, you're probably the one who killed Buquet and Piangi.
DARIUS: Damn, I gotta do everything. Especially drugs.
KAY: But opium is hawt. In Persia they--
FRED: Did Persia have electric guitars? Because without a rock beat theme song, it's so not gonna fly.
SOME OTHER GUY: There's a new opera house in town to compete with the Met. Christine's coming to America to sing at it. It's here, the battle of the operas.
SOME GUY: Who the hell are you?
SOME OTHER GUY: Total plot device.
PLOT DEVICE: Dude, how many of us are there?
FRED: Shut up! I'm being stylistic.
PIERRE: Am I a plot device, too?
PRIEST TEACHER: Yeah, you're here to ask me questions so we can show off all the research Fred did.
PIERRE: What research did he do?
PRIEST TEACHER: Fancy you should ask! Allow me to dissertate. *dissertates* It's a whole bunch of pointless stuff about Irish immigrants and the Church, or something, so I can tell you my life story.
PIERRE: What's your life story?
PRIEST TEACHER: Fancy you should ask! Allow me to dissertate. *dissertates* It's a damn boring story, actually, but now I can tell you your life story, too!
PIERRE: What's my life story?
PRIEST TEACHER: Fancy you should ask! You're Christine's son, and we're going to the USA to find your baby-daddy.
PIERRE: Who is my baby-daddy?
PRIEST TEACHER: Fancy you should ask!
PIERRE: What is foreshadowing?
PRIEST TEACHER: Fancy you should ask!
SOME OTHER OTHER GUY: Prima donna, first lady of the stage! Your devotees, are on their knees, to make gratuitous mention of Sir Walter Raleigh for your arrival in America!
MEG: Speaking of America, he's here, the Phantom of the Opera.
CHRISTINE: Dude. You mean Manhattan. Read the damn title, lackey.
MEG: So should've been an Empress. How come no ficcers ever take Gassy up on that? At least Schumacher made me hot.
CHRISTINE: 'Sup, America? My opera brings all the boys to the yard. Damn right, it's better than yours.
AMERICA: *votes for her on American Idol*
CHOLLY BLOOM: Barbara Walters, so PWNd. I got an exclusive interview with Christine Daae, her plot device, and a toy monkey! More beer!
TOY MONKEY: I thought I was the plot device?
PIERRE: We all are, kind of. Here, let me scramble you. See, I inherited vast mechanical skill from my father. Which just goes to show you, genetics can be tricky, as both Erik's parents were total slackers. But it's a proven fact that if your parents didn't have children, you probably won't either. Which makes it weird how I think I'm Raoul's son.
TOY MONKEY: Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!
CHRISTINE: Crap. He's here, the Phantom of the Opera.
MEG: Totally called it.
ERIK: Guess I should read that letter Giry sent me. I've been meaning to, but I've been busy. (sings) It's hard out there for a pimp!
(reads) GIRY: you know that dude Raoul? Yeah, well, I'm his Slightly Larger Lottie. Weird, huh, seeing as how he never acted like he knew me. Anyway, you'd never guess it, but his schlong doesn't work!
ERIK: How do you know--wait a minute! TMI! TMI!
GIRY: No! It's not like that! His penis was . . . abducted by aliens!
ERIK: Likely story.
GIRY: No! I . . . happened to be around when his penis got shot, and the doctor just happened to tell me!
ERIK: Likely story.
GIRY: I heard it in the girls' locker room?
ERIK: Fine. That means Pierre is a son of mine! It never occurred to me Christine's son could be of my line! If I rhyme my thoughts, Andy might love me lots, make a sequel out of me, and make Fred squee! *jazz hands*
SOME OTHER OTHER OTHER GUY: Let me tell you about my job. Which no one cares about. Let me tell you all the research Fred did. Which no one cares about. Let me tell you what happened when Christine came to the Coney Island to find out where the monkey comes from. Which by now, no one cares about.
CHRISTINE: Should I be keeping my hand at the level of my eyes, 'cause last time I didn't, I got knocked up.
ERIK: And that was a totally fun bout of punjabbing Andy never told you about. Welcome to my Persain torture cha--
FRED: Ixnay on the Ersainpay! Also I'm axing that whole Punjab thing as you couldn't go to the Punjab and be lonely at the same time. I have to prove Gassy wrong!
ERIK: Sure, okay. Anyway, toots, here's the thing. My moment of grace? There at the end, last time we met? Was totally a sham. I'm still all up for ruining your life.
CHRISTINE: Up for anything else? *checks watch* 'Cause I think we have time for a quickie before you tie Raoul up and threaten to kill him again.
ERIK: So, Raoul. Sucks that he was impotent, huh. I'd totally've tapped that.
CHRISTINE: *runs away*
~meanwhile, in the toy store~
NEW MONKEY TOY: I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy!
NEXT MONKEY TOY: I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy!
NEXT MONKEY TOY: I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy!
DARIUS: *corners Pierre, alone* Hey, kid. Are you a Yankee Doodle dandy? *wink wink*
PRIEST TEACHER: I don't want in on that action, even if I am a Catholic priest. *confronts Darius*
DARIUS: *is confronted* Oh, hey, by the way, I go around shouting things in Latin.
CHOLLY BLOOM: Ixnay on the what, now?
PRIEST TEACHER: Omigawd.
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Yo, what up?
PLOT DEVICE: You totally stole my line.
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Whatevs. This about Christine again? 'Cause I done told you, it's okay you lust after her. I lust after her too. Which is possibly how she was able to concieve when Raoul is impotent and we all know the Phantom never slept with her, because Andy is right in all things, and you can't have sex on stage.
PLOT DEVICE: Pierre is the Messiah?
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Shh. Don't tell anyone.
PLOT DEVICE: *totally tells Darius*
PRIEST TEACHER: Hey, speaking of Darius, I'd like to redeem--
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: No can do, bro. Darius is Teh Ev0l Villain Of The Piece.
PRIEST TEACHER: I thought in the eyes of God we all--
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Whatever, dude. You should focus on Erik. He's fucking hot, yo.
PRIEST TEACHER: But Erik loves Christine. And Christine is married to Raoul.
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: You're way more dynamic than Raoul.
PRIEST TEACHER: You sound weirdly like Frederick Forsythe.
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Focus here. You want a piece of that Erik action, look for another and greater love.
PRIEST TEACHER: Eh?
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Hint--it ain't the holy spirit. Off to go deliver more souls through chimneys, now. Remember what I told you. *winks*
PRIEST TEACHER: No, seriously, eh?
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Hint--first name, patronymic, but not the surname. Two thirds of the holy trinity. You know, Father Kilfoyle.
PRIEST TEACHER: EH?
SOME OTHER GUY: I'm back!
READER: Who the hell are you? And where the hell is the actual plot?
FRED: Shut up! I'm being stylistic.
SOME OTHER GUY: He was here, the Phantom of the Opera.
CHRISTINE: Of Manhattan! Read the goddamn title!
SOME OTHER GUY: No, really, he was in the opera you just performed in for the opening of the new opera house. Because Fred, I mean, Erik, though a genius, has no original ideas.
CHRISTINE: Dang, Erik was there? *checks watch* I wonder if we had time for a quickie.
SOME GAL: So you know that guy Raoul? His schlong doesn't work!
CHOLLY BLOOM: No way!
SOME GAL: Way! And the Phantom was at the Opera!
CHOLLY BLOOM: No way!
SOME GAL: Way! And he gave a note to Christine!
CHOLLY BLOOM: No, fuckin', way! ...Did they have time for a quickie? 'Cause that's a way juicier scoop...
SOME GAL: I dunno. I was distracted by gratuitous mentions of FDR.
CHOLLY BLOOM: Oh, did you guys want plot? 'Cause first I'm going to give a dissertation on journalism, which only vaguely and very poorly connects to Fred's attempts to build on Gassy's style through a series of journalistic fragments--
FRED: Shut up! I'm being stylistic!
CHOLLY BLOOM: And after that, I need to give you a quick overview of the entire novel up to this point, which would've been way better in script format, with mocking commentary--
TKP: Shut up! I'm being stylistic!
CHOLLY BLOOM: And then I'll tell you that Ixnay on the onsay means Darius wanted to shoot Pierre, seeing as how Pierre's the messiah and Darius only had the One Ring, I mean, One God, but Darius missed and shot Christine. Then Erik shot Darius. Christine kicked the bucket.
CHRISTINE: Slow down! Gimme my final words, at least. I mean, seeing as how I'm dying here--Erik, got time for a quickie?
ERIK: Dude, you're dying.
CHRISTINE: That's alright. You practically raped me last time. And seeing as how you let Raoul and I go by a mistake, apparently, instead of having learned any kind of humanity, I thought we could hump like wild monkeys.
PIERRE: *looks thoughtfully at monkey toy*
CHRISTINE: By the way, Pierre, Erik is yo' baby-daddy. *dies*
ERIK: I am your father.
DARTH VADER: My voice is actually cooler than Michael Crawford's and Gerard Butler's combined. Just stating a fact, here.
PIERRE: (to Erik) Won't you be my daddy?
ERIK: Dude. You don't even know me.
PIERRE: Yeah, but Raoul is impotent.
RAOUL: *hangs head* I really am.
ERIK: Why, exactly, would you choose me to be your daddy just because my schlong works? Is there something else Giry didn't tell me?
RAOUL: Well, you made all those monkey boxes. They really ...affected me. Made me want to be your Yanky Doodle dandy. If you know what I mean.
ERIK: If I were the truly creepy motherfucker in tkp's head, I totally would. Instead, *platonic love*
RAOUL: *platonic sadness* No, I mean really. *platonic*.
-
FRED: And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Meg. Who doesn't interest me enough to mention.
SCHUMACHER: And except for Christine, who I resurrect so she can have a long happy life with Raoul, who's not impotent and actually has some badassitude even if he does have bad hair, and then kill off again.
VIEWERS: No wonder she looks like a zombie.
I have read this book, courtesy of
my_daroga, who said it wasn't right to spend money on the thing. I was a trifle worried because even though I wish I hadn't spent money on Kay (author of another published POTO fic), I still like owning it. But I've come to the conclusion my_daroga was right. I don't need to own The Phantom of Manhattan. But in case I ever need to refer back to it, I've made a mini-version.FRED: The original Phantom of the Opera story was written by Gaston Leroux, but dude, no way were there electric guitars in the time period in which old Gaston set the story. I know because I did research. *beams* Obviously, without electric guitars, there couldn't've been a rock beat Overture, so my best bud Gaston, Gassy for short, must've gotten everything wrong. Except for the fact that I'm still going to use all the stuff of his I want to.
READER: No one's slick as Gaston, no one's quick as Gaston
No one's next as incredibly thick as Gaston
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Kay, Lon, or Andy
And they'll tell you who's team they'd prefer you be on!
SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER: I'm so not friends with Tim Rice any more. Fred is my new boy toy.
FRED: zomg IT'S ANDY!!!!one!!!1!! You're such a BNF, zomg, you're way so much better than canon, zomg, I'm going to put you on my flist, zomg!!!!!!!!!1!!one!!
READER: Yeah, the thing is, I wasn't even a Leroux purist until you started pantyfanning ALW.
FRED: I can't believe you left fb for my fanfic, Andy! *secretly writes Fred/Andy slash* r0xorz.
end preface
MME. GIRY: Everything Gassy said about me is a lie. Also, Erik is a woobie who would never harm a fly! Also, I have a Jocasta complex that Fred isn't an interesting enough writer to explore. Also, take this letter to Erik in Manhattan, before I die.
SOME GUY: Okay.
MME. GIRY: *dies*
SCHUMACHER: The hell? *brings her back to life just before the movie auction, which is why she barely looks older in the movie*
ERIK: There's no way I could've travelled the world like Gassy said, but still be lonely. The only way for me lonely is for me to have only ever have lived under the opera. However, I can hang out at Coney Island, head up major corporations, make billions of dollars, have plenty of business partners, one named Darius, and still be lonely, so what gives?
DARIUS: Give? Who said anything about giving? You're not giving away money, are you? *frets*
SOME GUY: I need to deliver this letter to Erik. Mon dieu, do I want a hotdog.
CHOLLY BLOOM: I totally help Some Guy find Erik. More beer!
SOME GUY: Eh? Who you talking to?
CHOLLY BLOOM: And there was this guy there, Darius, and we give the letter to him instead of Erik. More beer!
SOME GUY: No, really, who're you talking to?
FRED: Shut up! I'm being stylistic.
CHOLLY BLOOM: Yeah, and there was this creepy painting with a masked guy.
MEG: He's there, the Phantom of the Opera!
DARIUS: Plot device, what is my plot?
PLOT DEVICE: You're dedicated to money. If Erik gets less dedicated than you are, kill what stands in the way.
DARIUS: Oh yeah. Groovy. Dude, sorry, little high, here.
PLOT DEVICE: It's okay. You do drugs because you're Teh Ev0l Villain Of The Piece. Erik can't be it in this one. Remember how he's a total woobie and would never hurt a fly? When you think about it, you're probably the one who killed Buquet and Piangi.
DARIUS: Damn, I gotta do everything. Especially drugs.
KAY: But opium is hawt. In Persia they--
FRED: Did Persia have electric guitars? Because without a rock beat theme song, it's so not gonna fly.
SOME OTHER GUY: There's a new opera house in town to compete with the Met. Christine's coming to America to sing at it. It's here, the battle of the operas.
SOME GUY: Who the hell are you?
SOME OTHER GUY: Total plot device.
PLOT DEVICE: Dude, how many of us are there?
FRED: Shut up! I'm being stylistic.
PIERRE: Am I a plot device, too?
PRIEST TEACHER: Yeah, you're here to ask me questions so we can show off all the research Fred did.
PIERRE: What research did he do?
PRIEST TEACHER: Fancy you should ask! Allow me to dissertate. *dissertates* It's a whole bunch of pointless stuff about Irish immigrants and the Church, or something, so I can tell you my life story.
PIERRE: What's your life story?
PRIEST TEACHER: Fancy you should ask! Allow me to dissertate. *dissertates* It's a damn boring story, actually, but now I can tell you your life story, too!
PIERRE: What's my life story?
PRIEST TEACHER: Fancy you should ask! You're Christine's son, and we're going to the USA to find your baby-daddy.
PIERRE: Who is my baby-daddy?
PRIEST TEACHER: Fancy you should ask!
PIERRE: What is foreshadowing?
PRIEST TEACHER: Fancy you should ask!
SOME OTHER OTHER GUY: Prima donna, first lady of the stage! Your devotees, are on their knees, to make gratuitous mention of Sir Walter Raleigh for your arrival in America!
MEG: Speaking of America, he's here, the Phantom of the Opera.
CHRISTINE: Dude. You mean Manhattan. Read the damn title, lackey.
MEG: So should've been an Empress. How come no ficcers ever take Gassy up on that? At least Schumacher made me hot.
CHRISTINE: 'Sup, America? My opera brings all the boys to the yard. Damn right, it's better than yours.
AMERICA: *votes for her on American Idol*
CHOLLY BLOOM: Barbara Walters, so PWNd. I got an exclusive interview with Christine Daae, her plot device, and a toy monkey! More beer!
TOY MONKEY: I thought I was the plot device?
PIERRE: We all are, kind of. Here, let me scramble you. See, I inherited vast mechanical skill from my father. Which just goes to show you, genetics can be tricky, as both Erik's parents were total slackers. But it's a proven fact that if your parents didn't have children, you probably won't either. Which makes it weird how I think I'm Raoul's son.
TOY MONKEY: Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!
CHRISTINE: Crap. He's here, the Phantom of the Opera.
MEG: Totally called it.
ERIK: Guess I should read that letter Giry sent me. I've been meaning to, but I've been busy. (sings) It's hard out there for a pimp!
(reads) GIRY: you know that dude Raoul? Yeah, well, I'm his Slightly Larger Lottie. Weird, huh, seeing as how he never acted like he knew me. Anyway, you'd never guess it, but his schlong doesn't work!
ERIK: How do you know--wait a minute! TMI! TMI!
GIRY: No! It's not like that! His penis was . . . abducted by aliens!
ERIK: Likely story.
GIRY: No! I . . . happened to be around when his penis got shot, and the doctor just happened to tell me!
ERIK: Likely story.
GIRY: I heard it in the girls' locker room?
ERIK: Fine. That means Pierre is a son of mine! It never occurred to me Christine's son could be of my line! If I rhyme my thoughts, Andy might love me lots, make a sequel out of me, and make Fred squee! *jazz hands*
SOME OTHER OTHER OTHER GUY: Let me tell you about my job. Which no one cares about. Let me tell you all the research Fred did. Which no one cares about. Let me tell you what happened when Christine came to the Coney Island to find out where the monkey comes from. Which by now, no one cares about.
CHRISTINE: Should I be keeping my hand at the level of my eyes, 'cause last time I didn't, I got knocked up.
ERIK: And that was a totally fun bout of punjabbing Andy never told you about. Welcome to my Persain torture cha--
FRED: Ixnay on the Ersainpay! Also I'm axing that whole Punjab thing as you couldn't go to the Punjab and be lonely at the same time. I have to prove Gassy wrong!
ERIK: Sure, okay. Anyway, toots, here's the thing. My moment of grace? There at the end, last time we met? Was totally a sham. I'm still all up for ruining your life.
CHRISTINE: Up for anything else? *checks watch* 'Cause I think we have time for a quickie before you tie Raoul up and threaten to kill him again.
ERIK: So, Raoul. Sucks that he was impotent, huh. I'd totally've tapped that.
CHRISTINE: *runs away*
~meanwhile, in the toy store~
NEW MONKEY TOY: I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy!
NEXT MONKEY TOY: I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy!
NEXT MONKEY TOY: I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy!
DARIUS: *corners Pierre, alone* Hey, kid. Are you a Yankee Doodle dandy? *wink wink*
PRIEST TEACHER: I don't want in on that action, even if I am a Catholic priest. *confronts Darius*
DARIUS: *is confronted* Oh, hey, by the way, I go around shouting things in Latin.
CHOLLY BLOOM: Ixnay on the what, now?
PRIEST TEACHER: Omigawd.
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Yo, what up?
PLOT DEVICE: You totally stole my line.
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Whatevs. This about Christine again? 'Cause I done told you, it's okay you lust after her. I lust after her too. Which is possibly how she was able to concieve when Raoul is impotent and we all know the Phantom never slept with her, because Andy is right in all things, and you can't have sex on stage.
PLOT DEVICE: Pierre is the Messiah?
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Shh. Don't tell anyone.
PLOT DEVICE: *totally tells Darius*
PRIEST TEACHER: Hey, speaking of Darius, I'd like to redeem--
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: No can do, bro. Darius is Teh Ev0l Villain Of The Piece.
PRIEST TEACHER: I thought in the eyes of God we all--
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Whatever, dude. You should focus on Erik. He's fucking hot, yo.
PRIEST TEACHER: But Erik loves Christine. And Christine is married to Raoul.
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: You're way more dynamic than Raoul.
PRIEST TEACHER: You sound weirdly like Frederick Forsythe.
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Focus here. You want a piece of that Erik action, look for another and greater love.
PRIEST TEACHER: Eh?
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Hint--it ain't the holy spirit. Off to go deliver more souls through chimneys, now. Remember what I told you. *winks*
PRIEST TEACHER: No, seriously, eh?
FATHER,SON,&HOLY_SPIRIT: Hint--first name, patronymic, but not the surname. Two thirds of the holy trinity. You know, Father Kilfoyle.
PRIEST TEACHER: EH?
SOME OTHER GUY: I'm back!
READER: Who the hell are you? And where the hell is the actual plot?
FRED: Shut up! I'm being stylistic.
SOME OTHER GUY: He was here, the Phantom of the Opera.
CHRISTINE: Of Manhattan! Read the goddamn title!
SOME OTHER GUY: No, really, he was in the opera you just performed in for the opening of the new opera house. Because Fred, I mean, Erik, though a genius, has no original ideas.
CHRISTINE: Dang, Erik was there? *checks watch* I wonder if we had time for a quickie.
SOME GAL: So you know that guy Raoul? His schlong doesn't work!
CHOLLY BLOOM: No way!
SOME GAL: Way! And the Phantom was at the Opera!
CHOLLY BLOOM: No way!
SOME GAL: Way! And he gave a note to Christine!
CHOLLY BLOOM: No, fuckin', way! ...Did they have time for a quickie? 'Cause that's a way juicier scoop...
SOME GAL: I dunno. I was distracted by gratuitous mentions of FDR.
CHOLLY BLOOM: Oh, did you guys want plot? 'Cause first I'm going to give a dissertation on journalism, which only vaguely and very poorly connects to Fred's attempts to build on Gassy's style through a series of journalistic fragments--
FRED: Shut up! I'm being stylistic!
CHOLLY BLOOM: And after that, I need to give you a quick overview of the entire novel up to this point, which would've been way better in script format, with mocking commentary--
TKP: Shut up! I'm being stylistic!
CHOLLY BLOOM: And then I'll tell you that Ixnay on the onsay means Darius wanted to shoot Pierre, seeing as how Pierre's the messiah and Darius only had the One Ring, I mean, One God, but Darius missed and shot Christine. Then Erik shot Darius. Christine kicked the bucket.
CHRISTINE: Slow down! Gimme my final words, at least. I mean, seeing as how I'm dying here--Erik, got time for a quickie?
ERIK: Dude, you're dying.
CHRISTINE: That's alright. You practically raped me last time. And seeing as how you let Raoul and I go by a mistake, apparently, instead of having learned any kind of humanity, I thought we could hump like wild monkeys.
PIERRE: *looks thoughtfully at monkey toy*
CHRISTINE: By the way, Pierre, Erik is yo' baby-daddy. *dies*
ERIK: I am your father.
DARTH VADER: My voice is actually cooler than Michael Crawford's and Gerard Butler's combined. Just stating a fact, here.
PIERRE: (to Erik) Won't you be my daddy?
ERIK: Dude. You don't even know me.
PIERRE: Yeah, but Raoul is impotent.
RAOUL: *hangs head* I really am.
ERIK: Why, exactly, would you choose me to be your daddy just because my schlong works? Is there something else Giry didn't tell me?
RAOUL: Well, you made all those monkey boxes. They really ...affected me. Made me want to be your Yanky Doodle dandy. If you know what I mean.
ERIK: If I were the truly creepy motherfucker in tkp's head, I totally would. Instead, *platonic love*
RAOUL: *platonic sadness* No, I mean really. *platonic*.
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FRED: And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Meg. Who doesn't interest me enough to mention.
SCHUMACHER: And except for Christine, who I resurrect so she can have a long happy life with Raoul, who's not impotent and actually has some badassitude even if he does have bad hair, and then kill off again.
VIEWERS: No wonder she looks like a zombie.
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This is me, concurring. Yes.
And I will comment on any fannishness you write about. I haven't read the S8 comics yet. I am probably waiting for them to come out in a trade paperback, like I did with Fray. Because individual comics? I don't get that format. Never have.
And when I make you themed cupcakes: EAT IT.
Oh my god. POTO-themed cupcakes??
Don't tease me. I want them now.
The scorpion, or the grasshopper?
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Dude, scorpion and grasshopper cupcakes would be awesome.
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And yeah. That'll be my birthday treat. Except no one will understand. But I can make each of them choose! And mock them.
And be a big ol' dork.
There needs to be scorpion cupcake fic.
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Which I feel the same way about but am not as good as you at not putting up with it.
But I can make each of them choose! And mock them.
And be a big ol' dork.
OMG I LOVE IT! I wish cupcakes would hold up in the mail!
There needs to be scorpion cupcake fic.
How would that work, exactly?
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I live with someone even more upset about it than me.
OMG I LOVE IT! I wish cupcakes would hold up in the mail!
Haha, I know! But when we all meet, to see (and mock) PoM when it comes out, we'll bring cupcakes.
How would that work, exactly?
I don't know... Christine's all worried about what to choose, but only because one of them is vanilla with chocolate frosting, and the other is chocolate with vanilla frosting?
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Bahhaahhaha!
But when we all meet, to see (and mock) PoM when it comes out, we'll bring cupcakes.
We HAVE to do that.
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I'm holding you to that.
Damn, now I want sweets again. I blame you. I wonder if the corner store has cream for me to make fudge with?
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I'm eating healthy. Yay!
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It's usually not this hard!