Happy Halloween!

[lettered]

Long time no talky! Look at all your bright and shiny faces! I was out of town for a week and a half, and before that and after I've just been out of it. For those of you I haven't told yet, I'm moving to Seattle, in with my_daroga. I'm doing that quite soon, and I have a bunch of RL shit to get together, and graduate applications to organize, and a trip to plan and pack for which I haven't even started doing yet. That is to say I probably STILL won't be around LJ much, but not to worry. I shall return with a vengeance, once things get all settled--probably in February or so. I'm not forsaking fandom and everything forever until then; I'm just letting you know.

Okay, that's RL. Now here's stuff to do and stuff I want to do re: My Sekrit Online Life, in case you're wondering.
H) I'm still leaving LJ by the end of this year. I will take up residence at IJ and set up a feed for all you on LJ, and I will still check your journals here. I just won't have any journals here.
A) I'm still updating Another One Like It Tomorrow, and hope to have the posting finished by the end of this year. Sorry for the long delay on that guys, but I have most of it written and just need to keep on posting.
L) Some of you have asked about Best Souvenir. I do plan to finish that fic, and I thought I'd get to more of it this Sept or October. But that obviously didn't happen, and due to everything that's going on for me right now, more probably won't be posted until sometime next year.
L)ii. I owe germaine_pet and anelith things for fire_fic--I haven't forgotten, and I've been working on both. I'm just a little stuck and a little harried right now, so please forgive the delay. (eta: Lynne's is another chapter of "Man's Best Friend", another fic which I guarantee will be continued. I know what happens; there's just a bit too much stress going on right now for me to make it happen...like I want to!)
O) I'm still working on my meta for seraphcelene's metathon. I should've just done a DVD commentary, but I wanted to say something I've been wanting to say about my writing for a while, but never knew how to say. But it's just not working out well and I keep changing what I'm writing about every time I think about it. But it's just delayed, not permanently rescinded (is that the word I want?) I'll get it done.
W) Speaking of stuff that's due, I owe moscow_watcher a beta, and a2zmom three of them. They're coming!
E) I have an IWRY Marathon piece due at the end of November. I haven't started it yet but I know what it's about and I'm very happy with that.
E)ii. Did I mention I signed up for hd_holidays? Yes, I'm very stupid. This piece is KILLING me. Speaking of which, anyone up for a very super speed beta the day to two before I have to turn it in?
N) Oh, speaking of fire_fic, which we no longer are, I owe donations.
!) I have pics that need posting. K! I have a very cool picture of you. The rest turned out to mostly be of the back of your head. How did that happen? I was just trying to be candid. At least your hair looks all cool.

But enough about me!

What's new with you? Leave me any of the following:
-three words that describe your life lately
-a fic you read recently you loved!
-three reasons Ginny Weasley rocks socks.
-a fic you wrote recently I missed (which is almost all of them)
-a picture!
-your life story
-three lies Wesley wished he had never told
-a summary of what you did/are doing today
-a description of your costume (or. You DREAM costume, which you did not have the time or money to make)
-Spike's three favorite movies
-a recipe for a drink, any kind (wassel!)
-something weird about you most people don't know
-something you posted recently I should read
-five kisses Draco Malfoy never regretted
-the lyrics of a song you recently fell in love with
-an idea for a fic you really want to write but feel you probably won't get around to
-your opinion on Heroes, House, Journey Man, or Bones
-five reasons you love Martha Jones
-five places you've been, five places you'd like to see but not live in, five places you'd like to live, and five places you never want to see
-shower or a bath?
-Pluto or Jupiter?
-your opinion on the last Buffy comic
-how Willow carves her pumpkin
-icecream?

Comments

[ladycat777.livejournal.com]

Joy! And Rapture! You are back, at least in a limited quantity.

You left me such a sweet comment during the meme and I did not scoot over there soon enough to respond before it ran out of comments, so I was gonna email you (sometimes I am slooooooooooooow) to tell you that basically it's the same thing. I love your mind. Whether it's producing fic, or meta, or random posts of the day, you are so incredibly intelligent and smart (two different things) and I kind of boggled at what you said, because -- I am not eloquent like you! Because you are!

But anyway. God, I love my ginko, it's like antidepressants only without the psychosis.

Three lies Wesley wished he never told:

When Wesley is twenty one he falls desperately, irrevocably in love. He becomes the epitome of the lovesick fool, unable to eat or sleep without being in the presence of his beloved, writing the worst kind of drek as poetry, and generally bothering everyone -- including said beloved -- to distraction. He is the worst kind of romantic dolt and ends up making himself into a laughingstock as well as a plain old, uncomplicated fool.

Wesley can handle all of that, however. What bothers him most about that time, when he's lying in the dark and reviewing all the missteps of his life, is telling Marie that when he said he loved her that he meant forever. His path had been chosen long before meeting the dazzling beauty -- who appreciated him and could have learned to be his wife, if never properly loved him in return -- and to make such desperate, desparing declarations to a woman who wanted to be loved with all the romantic passion that Wesley fell into --

It is one of the cruelest things he has ever done. Because it did not matter the tremble in his voice or the stars that glittered in his eyes. He might have loved her, but it was as a mayfly does: swift and ending abruptly. His heart had been given to his job, his predetermined and never doubted life, and no matter how many times he had protested, Marie had known it to be true. His words were nothing but empty air, laced with poison, tantalizing her with what she always wanted and knows she will probably never have.

Worst of all, Wesley knew he would be leaving in three weeks time. So did she.

He sees her on the telly sometimes, married to a dignitary who loves to boast of his beautiful, powerfully intelligent wife. Wesley always has to change the channel because one look at her frozen smile makes him ill.

* * *

"Are you sure?" Proper ladies do not beg. They do not wheedle and apply guilt no matter what the situation might be. The ask, and sometimes, perhaps, on their bad days ask several times, but they never do more than just ask. It is beneath them to do anything else.

"Yes, Mother, I'm sure. I'll buy the tickets right now and be home for the holidays."

He never even checks the website.

Yet every year his mother sends him exactly what it is he wants most: good tea, proper scones, and that hard to find book he desperately needs to assist Angel. Every year until her death.

* * *

"You are my cause."

In all honesty, Wesley's not sure if he ever said the words aloud, but even if he hasn't, he means them. Meant them. For not quite three years Wesley has devoted all of himself to Angel, to his mission -- which happens to be one he can approve of, coincidentally -- and his life, his eventual promise of that fleeting, taunting salvation.

He has given everything to Angel. Everything he has.

And as he walks out into the night, a tiny body shifting uncomfortably in his grip, he knows that there is no justification for what he is doing. There are reasons, excuses, but in the end it all comes down to one thing. Wesley will not value Angel over the true cause, protecting life from that which it hides from, the demons and monsters it prevents itself from seeing.

They can never be friends again and even as it all turns upside down, the warm bundle snatched away while something else drips down his throat, a paltry replacement to what he's lost, he thinks that perhaps they never were. Not truly. Companions, maybe, compatriots, and coworkers. But not friends.

His life does not belong to Angel, and that is the most bitter of his betrayals.