So I wrote fic? Smut.

[lettered]

I'm very embarrassed about this. I wrote (Batman) Bruce Wayne/Gordon fanfic, set in Nolan's verse, after The Dark Knight. It's here: Go Your Own Way. It's finished, novella length. Only couple chapters are posted, but updates will be frequent.

I mean that's bad enough, but mostly it's smut. It's porn with lots and lots of daddy kink. Porn written less to the characters and more to my one lizard brain iron clad kink, which is dirty talk. So lots and lots of dirty talk. You shouldn't read it if you don't like those things.

That's embarrassing enough too, but ever since femmenerd's Lizard Brain Confessional I've been convinced that my lizard brain is . . . uh, less cerebral than other people's, for lack of a better term. Some of this smut has introspection, but if we're talking kink what really does it for me is people saying the same horribly filthy things over and over again with only slight variations.

Anywho, what's holding the fic together shouldn't be called plot. More a vehicle towards porn. But the weird thing is I did not set out writing this in order to write porn, and the porn is not the most important part to me. But nor does the porn have no bearing on the "plot"--you know what I mean, how sometimes porn will suddenly blossom out like some weird abberation, after which we go back to the story. This fic is about sex, I guess, but the most important part to me is the relationship. The parts between the porn are all emotional porn. But that's weird too, because this isn't a loving relationship, and I don't think it appears very emotional on the page. It's hardly a relationship, even. A lot of what this fic is isn't about feeling but action, what they were doing, how they treated each other--what they ate. Especially what they ate. Even what they wore. I hate fics that always tell me what everyone wore. This . . . has a lot of that, and for some reason it seemed very critical at the time.

As you may have guessed, it's not a stellar piece of fiction. But I'm very interested in it, because I don't understand why it was so important to write down, why it consumed me so utterly. I don't understand Bruce (Batman)/Gordon either. (I don't understand any of my ships any more.) I don't know if this is in character. I mean, we assume these characters aren't gay, yes? But I don't think it's such a stretch they could be (particularly Bruce), and in what canon do we really get in their psyche? Not in the Nolan films or cartoons. The comics I've read have very basic introspection, such as, "They can never know!" and "Mom and Dad getting capped sucked balls". So who knows whether Batman is secretly a masochist with Daddy issues? Don't you think he'd sorta have to be?

Give it a try if you're interested. And then please tell me why I could never write anything this crazy and be so blasé for Jossverse or Harry/Draco.

Also, I started another fic which I'm less embarrassed about, and so don't feel like I need to go on and on to excuse myself: In Hiding. It was/is my attempt at "serious" (Batman) Bruce/Gordon, examining issues, that sort of thing. WIP, dunno if I'll ever write more than just what's there. For all that it's "serious" it was still a spur of the moment, not a lot invested type deal. Haven't been able to work on it, since the crack ATE MY BRAIN. At least it's not smutty.

Comments

[my_daroga]

...ever since femmenerd's Lizard Brain Confessional I've been convinced that my lizard brain is . . . uh, less cerebral than other people's...

You mean less cerebral than other people's who responded to femmenerd's post. And of her flist, the people most likely to respond were the ones who had thought about and could articulate their lizard brains. I hardly think that's a sample size you can draw many conclusions about, however interesting it is.

Will read, and get back to you. I love your irrational ships, dude. I love that you flail so much and do it anyway. And that you're not actually too embarrassed to share them.

BTW, didn't Mr. D (man not dog) say "kink" the other day in reference to some narrative element? Or did I make that up?

[femmenerd.livejournal.com]

I can't articulate it well, but I'm amused (or something) about how the organizing principle of me affects things. Also by the fact that the main dirty fics I remember reading as a result of that post were filthy Harry/Draco dirty talking ones linked by Joy.

I've lost the link but a couple years ago there was this ENORMOUS anonymous meme about people sexual secrets and I remember that the main ones were either AMAZINGLY filthy or else that the poster was a virgin. Oh and there were a bunch of elaborate homemade vibrators made out of electric toothbrushes and stuff.

[my_daroga]

I guess all I was trying to say was that I wasn't sure tkp should use that post as a measuring stick for her own cerebrating of sex--which is to say, she has nothing to make excuses for. I didn't respond, because I couldn't articulate it well (or if I did, I'm sure I didn't go too deep). So maybe I'm even less cerebral, and she's missing out on a whole other scale.

Was it this one?

[tkp.livejournal.com]

...er, I think we've discussed this before, but the logical knowledge that I'm not worse than anybody else doesn't make me feel...less worse than everybody else. I was trying to make exuses for why I felt embarrassed, not for why the fic is dirty. I know I shouldn't feel embarrassed, probably, but I do.

Yet I post anyway.

There are all sorts of reasons why the people who chose to respond to femme might have had more cerebral responses than I.

Also, I should have said that I feel less cerebral when it comes to porn than my flist, not the whole world.

[my_daroga]

I'm sorry. I probably reiterate things often. I don't think it's unnatural of you to feel embarrassed--notice I don't talk about this stuff very much--or to want to explore/explain why.

It makes me anxious when I feel like you're selling yourself short, even though the fact you're discussing it openly indicates you're not stymied by it and I shouldn't be concerned.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

I love you.

I have more to say but I'm at work and off break.

[femmenerd.livejournal.com]

Yes, it was totally that one!

And yeah, I really don't think that Joy's lizard brain is all that bizarre - it shares some things in common with mine, I think. I do think that it's, obviously, hard to talk from our lizard brains and so probably a lot of that "thoughtfully articulated" stuff on my journal possibly got (unavoidably) diluted and edited.

[my_daroga]

You should do it again and ask everyone to contribute from their lizard brains and see if all you get are "ughs" and "YES [KINK]."

I'm being flippant, now. I actually need to go back and read both again.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

The main thing I remember was stultiloquentia saying, "Really Joy? THAT fic? But it's so repetitive and unoriginal."

Uh . . .

OMG I STILL LOVE THOSE FICS.

how the organizing principle of me affects things.

I'm unsure what you mean...do you mean you posted the lizard brain confessional as a result of your organizing principles?

[femmenerd.livejournal.com]

I think it's possible that Stulti (bless her) has an abnormally cerebral lizard brain. Ahem.

And I meant the idea that the fact that it was *me* who posted the lizard brain confessional influenced the kinds of things that were posted. Which is making what my_daroga said way more about me than it actually was.

[scrtkpr.livejournal.com]

I have never before considered reading Batman fic, but here you are writing it! Hmmm... *is tempted*