lettered | Why I want to be a writer

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Why I want to be a writer

The first creative piece I ever wrote on my own was no doubt inspired by Hallmark Greeting Cards and poems by Emily Dickenson, a piece called, "Flowers", with a backwards e.

My second creative writing venture was about a girl wanting to buy ice-skates. She was Victorian and wealthy, and her parents would buy her anything. They go to a toy shop run by a poor old doll-maker. The main character is distracted by the doll-maker and the dolls. She had thought she had outgrown dolls, but so enchanted is she, she buys a doll even though she really wanted those ice-skates. Then she befriends the doll-maker, who was from Ireland and had had a daughter who would have been the main character's age, had she lived. The daughter's name was Katie, and periodic visions of her disturb the doll-maker. I was never sure what happened next. I think our main character tries to help the doll-maker, financially and emotionally. Her parents are disturbed by her relationship with him and there was probably going to be a lot of arguing; of course, I never finished it.

I . . . don't know why I told my whole story, other than that I might possibly still be invested in it. I was in second grade; I wrote twenty pages of it by hand. The point of the story is that it was a rip off of Meet Samantha, of American Girls dolls fame. Not that there are ice-skates and dolls in those stories, but concerns about class distinction were. I was very interested in that, in rich people not only helping the poor but befriending them, and seeing that they are people too. Moreover sometimes seeing that they can be better people than the rich. I was very compelled; I identified; I wished to visit soup kitchens, just not real ones.

Anyway, everything I wrote in those days was firmly grounded in something else. I could usually tell you what. The same is true now. One of my favorite original things I've ever written happened because I was pre-occupied with movieverse Wolverine/Rogue, though hopefully you'd never know. It wasn't such a big leap to start writing fanfiction. I wrote twenty pages of a novel inspired by Samantha in second grade; I wrote forty pages of a new end/sequel to Catherine Marshall's Christy in third.

I was prolific. It made me better, I think, because it was practice. Also because I thought a lot about it. The draft for the Christy sequel contains a note that reads something like,

"Dear Joy,

You need to work on sounding like Catherine Marshall. Note these writing quirks of Marshall's: how she uses an action to indicate whose dialogue it is, not always saying, 'said'. You should use this too, and then this sequel will fit more seamlessly into the novel. Otherwise, keep up the good work!

Love, Joy."

I am serious; I was worried about matching the author's tone. Sometimes I think I must have been very percocious; after all this was third grade. Mostly I think I was neurotic. That must be it, because I still am.

Here comes my favorite story about the writing of my youth. I was fannish, even then, though I had no one to share obsessions with and did not always produce as much related material (fic, meta) regarding things I was fannish about. But I was obviously obsessed with Samantha and with Christy, and many other things, most notably Anne of Green Gables, Gone With the Wind, The Little Princess, Sound of Music, and a little known book called They Loved To Laugh. But for a stretch of time, about the stretch of time most my obsessions take, I was obsessed with a book called Doll In The Garden.

It was about a girl named Ashley (the book had me from there; I used to love that name. Who know why; now I find it insipid. Sorry, Ashleys!) who moves to a new place with a mean landlady. The garden is a wreck and mysterious, with undertones of The Secret Garden, only I never got to be such a fan of that one, for some reason. Anyway, eventually there is a doll, and a ghost of a girl who died of TB, and a cat who does not cast a shadow. I thought it was so cool, that Ashley would notice that the cat did not cast a shadow. I also thought TB was incredibly romantic, because I didn't know it was called TB; I just knew people wasted away. They were very pale, and coughed up blood on lacy hankies, and it only happened Back In The Day, when everyone was pale and had lacy hankies. The ghost in this book did it all the time. It was just so beautiful, like the Chinese flag, you know, or a poppy in the snow.

The ghost is the ghost of a girl who was friends with the mean landlady when they both were young, or something. And finding out about her helps Ashley improve her relationship with the landlady and with her mother. Of course there are some family issues because her mom just got a divorce, or her dad died, or something like that, and that's why they've just moved. It all gets resolved in the end and the ghost gets put to rest. It was not a very good book, and I think I realized that even at the time. I just loved the idea of the garden, and the doll, and the old-fashioned ghost. I do not like ghosts very much, but I liked this one, because she wasn't very spooky or floaty. She was just a girl who only appeared at night, who befriended Ashely. They played with the doll, I think, and Ashley was wooed a bit, as she had thought she was too old for dolls (obviously, I loved this theme. Stolen from The Little Princess).

Anyway, this book inspired me of course to write about a girl finding a secret garden and befriending someone there who is tragic and doomed, and also probably very poor, because of my whole pretend-soup-kitchen thing. (Just so we're clear, this bum would have had very fine clothing, but very well-used, perhaps dusty, and last century. She would have fallen on hard times, not been born into poverty. Although being born into poverty was fine by me, seeing as how none of it was real). I wished to write about this lass. I wished to make her ethereal. I wished to make her eyes large and blue and beseeching in her china face, and her lashes caught with summer sunlight. I wished to make her clothing whisper, instead of rustle, the sheer-worn-tattered lace of her petticoats shhing against each other like the wings of moths. Her hands would have been white spiders, and no doubt she would have coughed blood, and her hand kerchief would have been just like a cardinal on a cloud. I wished to make her exactly like the book cover, which was one of the most arresting pictures of my youth. (I don't find it sad I was so overcome by such crappy art. Rather I find it charming. Conceitedly, I'm quite won over by my younger self.)

That's what I was going for, anyway, in my description of the Mystery Girl In The Garden. What I wrote was, "She was reallly, really pretty. And her skin was peach. I mean, peach." I wrote the second "peach" slanty so you could tell I really meant it. Really.

That's really as far as I got. I was so upset. I knew "peach I mean peach" was not what I wanted to say. I wanted her skin to be pale, almost translucent. I wanted her wrists to be white and dainty, the blue veins accented. But people's--even white people's--wrists are never actually white. White people are peach, so I wrote it that way. I just couldn't think up the word "pale", or perhaps I only associated it with getting sick.

Anyway, I wrote scads of stuff after that. Everything I wrote was an attempt to translate, "peach I mean peach" into "pale, almost translucent". I usually had the sense of something, the sense of how it should be, but saying what it is exactly does not always work. You must create a feeling. Of course, I am talking about tone. So much of writing is setting a tone; I think it makes the story more than anything else. I didn't think of myself as a writer in those times because I could not do it, because I could not think of things besides "peach I mean peach" when really I want "pale almost translucent".

The first time I wrote a story in which I used "pale, almost translucent" (of course, it wasn't that. I think it was, "her voice soared like the wind on an eagle's wing"), I was in sixth grade. And that was when I decided I wanted to be a writer. It should be sad, but again I only find it charming, that mastering the cliché convinced me I could do this thing. Probably, my sixth grade self, with the translucency and eagle's wings and whatnot, would have been more commercially a success than I ever will be if I publish now.

But there you go.

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You had more insight into your process in 3rd grade than I do *now*.

My first work was a poem, entitled "You Can't Eat Spaghetti With A Spoon." (You can try and try til you're crazy as a loon, but you can't...etc.)

Yeah. Clearly I was destined for greatness.

Edited 2009-03-26 00:33 (UTC)

I do think the insight is a completely separate thing than the writing ability. It *can* help me be a better writer, yes, but not necessarily. You have to have some ability to put it to use.

Heeeeee spaghetti poem! So cute!

FWIW, I always expect greatness from you, because you frequently provide it.

I always expect excellence from you, as well.

Are you working on anything, btw?

well aren't we mutually mushy ♥

Yes:
-not-so-original novel, not going well
-Angel/Spike for the 'thon
-Harry/Draco because I have yet to succeed in that ship
-a short dense Kings fic, a cheap shot really, as it is actually a love letter to Leonard Cohen

You?

-Angel/Spike for 'thon- still in my head
-Three short Jinnie AU's for Fod's (late!) Bday pressie- scribbled in note form in notebook(s)
-The Connor at TW fic- 1/3 written on my harddrive, the rest going nowhere fast
-Seed of an idea for a Jackathan King's fic- nothing even written down yet

V. happy about all of that!!!! So excited about Kings, Kita. Well, to be honest, I didn't actually think that much of the latest ep. But basically after the pilot I'm already fannish. I'm already writing fic in my head and am obsessed with the characters; it's easy because I bring so much to the characters that's not in the show (yet). I feel like it could probably be crap from here and I'd still love it anyway. But I do have high hopes. I hope it will keep on the air.

A/S is still in my head too. Upset about it as I feel that I'm actually great at writing A/S, and I realize I've never actually posted any of what I've written. Either it's unfinished or in pieces. The Angel Gets A Puppy fic was meant to be A/S, and my 200K long B/A piece has a few A/S scenes, but both are stalled indefinitely.

I KNOW! You DO rock at A/S but there is nothing out there that's whole that you can point to! That is unfair and not good, J!

I didn't like this ep of Kings as much as the first one, but I did like it for the mysteries it opened up. Also, for the first time I really FELT for King Silas. The first scene where he begs G-d not to go...Oh my *heart*.

I WANT MORE PUPPY FIC.

Thank you.

I did like the Michelle mystery it hinted at, and Brian Cox in prison or wherever. Silas is interesting because I still don't really *care* about him, but I do find him absolutely fascinating. He's very complicated, and I hope his relationship with David will become more complicated (want David to play for him SO MUCH). Of course the actor is amazing. I worry about Egan's acting; I hope he learns that with his abilities and appearance, he should really only go for subtle, and when Big Emotions come up he should still go for subtle like he's trying to hold it in. Stan has the face for breaking into a million pieces, and he can obviously do it. Egan--uh, can't. ...Reminds me of early DB (but much better). God why do I have to like them so much?

I want more puppy fic too! Ugh I just need to buckle down and write it.

I will cheer from the sidelines while you write puppy!fic!!!!!!

Silas is an AMAZING actor. His face is just- he was born to be on camera.

And I kinda love Queen Rose. And OMG SAMUEL.

Not sure how I feel about Queen Rose, but apparently this fic is about her. The actress is awesome, as is Samuel.

Tell me more about this fic!!!!!!

It's first person, Rose talking to Jackathan (who is second person), telling him what will happen. She tells him David is the favored son, but that as much as that hurts, it won't matter, because Jack will love him too. They'll all love him, as family, as lovers, as supplicants, and he'll use, betray, and destroy them all.

But yeah, it has "Hallelujah" lyrics; I have problems.

I feel like as long as you don't use Hallelujah for a smut scene, you're golden. \0/

I know, right, jesus. I feel like after that travesty people shouldn't be allowed to use it for anything any more. But I just can't help myself.

I believe in your ability to transcend the cliche!!

Thanks. I dunno about all that, but I admit to being rather pleased with the way it's going.

Can you talk about any of yours?

My Kings one is Jackathan, realizing some unpleasant things about his Father. (What Daddy issues where?)

Connor is supposed to be sleeping with Jack and Ianto, but mostly they're just bantering around the Hub right now.

Spangel is a surprise by me and Lynne for the ficathon.

And the Jinnie is self indulgent shmoop with smut and neuroses.

Omg Daddy issues yay.

Oh cool! You and Lynne, together again!

Probably, my sixth grade self, with the translucency and eagle's wings and whatnot, would have been more commercially a success than I ever will be if I publish now.

It saddens me to think that this is probably true. I suspect that Twilight was actually written by a sixth-grader. Although that may be giving it too much credit.

I love that you wrote notes to yourself. That is awesome. <3

I still write notes to myself, and I often both address them and sign off. And I almost always write, "love, Joy" or "lots of love, Joy" or when I'm feeling morose, "miss you ever so, Joy". On that note in particular I took a great deal of trouble to sign my name very pretty.

YOU WROTE A LETTER TO YOURSELF. *loves you madly*

I do it all the time.

<3

Your transition into writing based on taking ideas from things you really, really loved as a child completely echoes mine in every way. Except I always had this really brazen self-confidence that everything I was producing was not only riveting and brilliantly-worded, but was also unable to be improved upon. My hands produced miracles, I swear. At least, at six years old that's what I earnestly believed. (The Bug Battle still is, sadly, my finest work to date. I peaked in first grade.) I'm really, really glad that I stopped thinking that or I'd be the most prolific train wreck on fanfiction.net

Honestly, though, I'd read a book that described someone as "peach. I mean really peach" if only because it's almost refreshingly honest. It's loads more entertaining than, "pale, almost translucent" anyhow.

I thought that everyone wrote that way, by idea-stealing, I mean, and then I realized some people are actually original. One could argue that no one is original, but I do think some are more original than others.

The Bug Battle! Cool. I wish I had Flowers with the backwards e; I would have transcribed it. Still going to read Rosie; it's on my list.

Oh, well, I agree. About the refreshingly honest thing. But refreshingly honest isn't what I was going for; I was going for unrealistic and cliche beauty, e.g. "pale almost translucent". I think it's important for an author to be able to say what they mean. Different readers will interpret different things differently (it's interesting how people from different planets are different); the meaning does not have to be clear necessarily. But being refreshingly honest when you want to be unrealistic and cliche is pretty far off the mark.

These days I can often say what I mean, AND I no longer have a desire to express cliche beauty, not really. So I think I'm a better writer because of it.

Prolific train wrecks on ff.n are sometimes amusing, in quiet hours of contemplation of the absurd.

Aw, tiny!Joy sounds great. Possibly a little precocious, but hey, the best people are. I love the fact that you wrote yourself letters, and with such clear idea of what you wanted to do.

I was terribly scarred by reading an extremely creepy book about an evil porcelain doll when I was about 6 or 7, and have never been able to stand them since. And I was always a Mary girl, rather than a Sarah Crewe one, so my fannish writing was about "Rose", who would be Colin and Mary's other cousin. She was a total self insert... Then I moved onto a story which was essentially a terrible BTVS rip off, only from the POV of her terribly ordinary best friend, who was called Sarah Brown because it was the most ordinary name I could think of. And then about a million other things that I won't go into, although, tragically, I really, really could.

Anyway, I love what you've written about writing. Did you ever want to be anything else but a writer?

I love that you wrote Secret Garden fic! That is awesome. I just couldn't get into that book when I was little. I thought Mary was a bitca and Colin a whiny brat, and Dickon too good for all of them. Now I love it, as I have experienced this weird change of heart (and this is recently, mind you, like in the last three years or so) and now LOVE whiny and bitchy characters, especially when they're actually just kids, guys, and they might turn out to be quite different when they grow up. Not that I expect everyone to reform, but jeez, I could've cut some fictional kids a little slack. Meanwhile as a child I only loved Perfect Children, like Sara Crewe. But what was so great about Sara was she didn't think she was perfect, (or a princess), but she *tried* to be. I thought this was so lovely in my youth, because I wanted to try too.

Anywho. Sarah Brown, sounds interesting. How old were you? You must be quite a bit younger than me.

I didn't want to be a writer until the 6th grade, when I wrote the eagle's wing thing and became convinced I could be a writer. Now that I think about it, I only ever wanted to be things I thought I could succeed at. So even though I wrote ALL THE TIME when I was little, it didn't occur to me to be a writer, because it was just something I did for fun.

I wanted to be a lawyer because people said I was argumentative. I wanted to be a ballerina because I took dancing lessons. Most of all I wanted to be an editor or work in publishing because I wanted a job where I'd get paid to read. I also thought being a teacher would be cool because I could help people.

I never really wrote the Secret (I really wanted to write Sekrit) Garden stuff down. But it was all very plotted in my head. Hee! I did like Sarah, but the bit where she gives away her last bun was just a step too far for me. I think I was a bit of a Mary Lennox when I was little, so I have a soft spot for her.

I was about 12 when I wrote the Buffy thing. I'm 22 in a week, is that very young? I loved that story. I had a big blue swirly notebook with it in. I still have it, actually. The story was called Fact and Fiction *groans*

I wanted to be all sorts of things as well as being a writer, I think. My friend and I were going to live in a caravan in the woods and I would write the books and she would illustrate them. We were going to have pet rats.

How old is 6th grade?

Oh yeah, and a lot of kids are scared by dolls! I think that's kind of funny, since girls are "supposed" to play with dolls. But they really can be quite freaky. I loved them, myself. I know I have doll meta in my head somewhere, it'd be fun to explore the concept of them more.

I was just thinking about one of my first pieces of writing the other day and how horrific it was. (It also made me smile that you were writing youthful stories based on American Girl, since those weren't around until I was well into high school.)

I know I wrote several terribly drippy poems all through grade school into high school (a few that survive -- none that I would share.) I do remember my biggest goal was to have a poem published in Seventeen. I never submitted one.

The great work I was thinking of, though, was a play titled "Remember Yesterday" (although I misspelled remember, so technically it was "Remeber Yesterday" -- in fact, it was "Remeber Yesterday" written in gold glitter on a white sheet of typing paper that had been glued to a Mead notebook.)

It was the story of Bobby and...I wanna say LeAnn, but don't quote me, who were high school students in late 70s Texas. Bobby was rich, LeAnn was poor, she got knocked up and he went to A&M, she married his best friend. There was a lot of stuff about cheerleading, including detailed descriptions of their uniforms (including illustrations.)

The plot was ripped off of a "Dallas" novelization that explored Bobby Ewing's youth as well as, I believe, Conway Twitty's song "Don't Cry Joni."

I have no idea why I admit these things to you.

The things was I did not love the American Girl stories so incredibly much, not even Samantha's. But the world Samantha's books opened up to me was very intriguing. I tried to read a lot about rich girls and poor girls after that--I think The Little Princess turned me onto it early on and I've never gotten over it.

OMG I want to read your Remeber Yesterday! I bet it and my ice-skates story totally would cheer us up with awfulness.

I think it's funny you remember all about it being in gold glitter, etc etc. I was very please with the notebook I wrote the ice skates story in. It was in a spiral, but the spiral had this plastic pink sleeve you could take it out of, and I thought it was the neatest thing, and very writerly. But I would get upset with myself if I spent too much time on my handwriting or decorating these things, because I knew that once it got published as a book (ONCE IT DID) my handwriting or decor wouldn't matter, and that I should really focus on the writing like a real writer. Wow, I pressured myself so hard.

Hee, Dallas. I love you Sue. We were obviously cool. We should totally write each other long confessional letters with glitter. I think I might. BE PREPARED.

I want to know if you still have the material artifacts of these things, and how: in a box? a folder? your mother's attic?

I know that when I was very little I wrote a story about my mother as a child, a dog, and a rose.

Also, I wrote AoGG inspired poetry. Ha.

I do.

The Flowers poem is in a diary on the bookshelf in the closet in my room in my parents' house.

The ice-skate story and the Christy story, along with the note to myself, are in separate spiral notebooks (with nothing else in them; every time I started a new story I used a different notebook) in a stack of other notebooks on same bookshelf.

The "peach I mean peach" story I do not have. I only ever wrote about three paragraphs of that story, and it was at school, and I was so upset with it that I probably threw it away, or turned it in and didn't get it back.

I wish I had the other things because I would scan them for y'all's viewing pleasure. I should remember to do that when I go home.

Do you have your Anne poetry? Where is it? Will you share?

It should be sad, but again I only find it charming, that mastering the cliché convinced me I could do this thing.

I don't find it sad at all! It's part of the progression of child development and also, finding yourself in your own artistic talent. For teaching preparation I've been reading snippets about creativity and child development. And the light-bulb-turning-on moment with the cliché makes a lot of sense. Partly, 3rd graders are still finding their way in terms of understanding concepts and how to express themselves; and 6th graders have then come a lot further.

Also, mastering the cliché meant a lot at the time because it provided you with encouragement. One of the things I'm learning as a teaching technique is to provide children with challenges that push their edges; but you don't want to push too much or the student will be resistant to learning. So it's encouragements, giving them small achievable challenges, that help them build confidence to go beyond their comfort zone. The eagle's wing cliché seems like one you inadvertently gave yourself, and it worked! (am I making any sense? I feel like I am not very coherent today)

Oh, mostly it's sad because before I wrote this post I didn't realize the 6th grade wind-on-eagle's-wing was a cliche. I just thought, "And THAT was when I became a good writer!" When really, that was just another step in a process that will never be completed.

I think you're very right about the lightbulb, and self-expression. It is very important to be able to understand things like cliche, because cliches achieve a tone, which is why they're used. And it's important to understand cliches in order to move beyond cliches and subvert them. And you're right, it totally made me feel triumphant, particularly in the "hey, now my writing sounds like other people's writing" department. I think it's very important at that age to be able to imitate, and be able to feel like you can do what "the real writers" do.

So, yeah, that makes perfect sense. And definitely something to keep in mind when working with children. People focus so much on being original, which is really really important, but from a child's perspective, you haven't really achieved something until you can do what other people can do. I think most children feel that way.

I want you to know that I love this essay.

I wrote lots of stories for school, but my first not-on-demand writing was poetry. At age ten or so, I wrote a five page ballad about giving my dog a bath. I was pretty good. It's hilarious.

By junior high, I had a binder full of original (read: terrible, terrible rip-offs of Tolkien, Anne McCaffrey et al) character sketches, maps and brief inroads on 1000-page sagas, including a few finished stories that I sent to my school's creative writing contest. And then I went to college and forgot all about it. And then I came home and puttered for a year, between degrees, and discovered fanfic -- and that felt revelatory.

I'd love to read your five page ballad.

In junior high and high school I had this weird divide between the "few finished stories that I sent to my school's creative writing contest" and the "terrible rip-offs and brief inroads on 1000 page sagas". They were completely separate and about completely separate things (the latter was almost always fantasy, the former almost always serious dense thinky real life stuff). I didn't forget either in college, but the divide got wider, and fanfic was its whole other separate category that influenced both but merged with neither.

I still have that weird divide.

Were the stories you sent to contests and things not fantasy? Was there a difference? And how different is your fanfic from your original? Is fanfic what you were looking for all along?

*hands on chin, waiting curiously*

I'd love to read your five page ballad.

It's stuffed in the family yearbook back in NS. :)

In junior high and high school I had this weird divide...and fanfic was its whole other separate category that influenced both but merged with neither.

That's so interesting. Was it srs bzns versus play?

Were the stories you sent to contests and things not fantasy? Was there a difference? And how different is your fanfic from your original? Is fanfic what you were looking for all along?

I'm a fantasist to the core. My poetry is all over the place, both in style and subject matter, but I've written...gosh, I'm not sure I've ever written any fiction that hasn't had some kind of fantastic element. I must have at some point, for school assignments, but even if I could remember, I'm not sure I'd count it.

So yup, I sent fantasy to the contests. I won with one, actually: a girl rappelling down the side of a sea cliff, alone in the pre-dawn, to retrieve her family's hidden Last Resort, a box of pearls with which she intends to ransom her brother. It was all moody and atmospheric an' shit. *g*

The original stuff I've been playing with most lately is sci-fi and t.v.-influenced: script ideas for a show with a sort of Stargate-ish format, but, you know, done right, hah, with a female lead, and sustained, subtantial dialogue for and among characters of colour, and a same-sex duo that everybody in fandom would blithely set about slashing, and then in season four or somewhere, THEY'D KISS. This is my current fantasy. :P

In fanfic news, I am trying to write a novel, which is why I've been so quiet. Gak.

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Why I want to be a writer

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