So I've been thinking . . .

[lettered]

I'd like to talk for just a bit about derogatory language. It's going to look like something else for a long time before I get there, so here's the short version: language is not invented consciously. You can still speak with consciousness. You can choose what words you use, and how you use them. Language is yours.

In 2009, I invented a character for role-play called no_ones_slave on st_xi_kink, the Reboot Star Trek kink meme. Her name is Gaila, and she is based on an alien in Reboot who gets about 30 seconds screen time, so I basically made her up.

My Gaila does not have a religion. Instead, she has sex. She loves sex. She thinks sex is nice as a way of expressing love, friendship, casual acquaintance, self love, boredom, you name it. I realize there are probably many levels on which this character does not make sense, but the most prevalent (and unexpected) problem I ran into was one of language.

This is the problem: Gaila's encountered a couple people who were--and some who weren't but who acted like--jerks. And she doesn't know what to call them.

Dictionary.com includes this in the etymology for "jerk": Probably also infl. by verb jerk off, slang for "perform male masturbation" (first recorded 1916). Jerk off (n.) as an emphatic form of jerk (n.) first attested 1968.

Gaila loves jerking off. She thinks it's great. Somehow, saying someone is a "jerk" didn't quite mean to her what she would like it to mean. And then the problem became apparent:

asshole/asshat/ass - Gaila thinks asses and anuses are very beautiful
twat/cunt - Gaila thinks pussy is pretty much the most awesome invention ever
dick/dickhead/dickwad - Gaila thinks penises are probably the second most awesome invention ever
shit/shithead - Gaila finds bodies and all that they entail rather wonderful. I'm not sure Gaila has ever had a long and binding love affair with poop the way she has with ass, pussy, and cock, but where she's coming from poop is sort of like hair you've shed, or something--you should only rub it all over your body if you clean yourself after.
an utter tit - you get the picture

but

fool/stupid-head/meanie - made her sound like a twelve year old, and she was serious!

Same thing with other ways of being emphatic: to say that something bad "fucking sucks" is to condemn two things she adores. She could say it was goddamn stupid, but god and damn meant nothing to her, and just saying something was stupid was a trifle lacking in effect. The problem was that all the words we use for emphasis, at least in English, have to do with sex, our bodies, or God. To an alien who came from a world where sex was much like breathing, where bodies were worshipped and Gods didn't exist, it was a screwy fucking language.

Now, Gaila . . . is an alien. And we actually don't know of any real aliens from other planets, whatever X-Files keeps trying to tell me. There's no analogy, really: an atheist who adores sex is probably going to still be alright saying something awful "goddamn fucking sucks."

My Atheist Sex-Lover isn't alright with saying this because she wants to condemn fucking and fellatio. So why is she alright with it? I have a feeling many people would answer, "Because it no longer means the same thing," and I agree. When you say something is fucking hard or fucking long or fucking boring, you're not talking about the sex act; you're using it for emphasis. My next question is why aren't words that are for emphasis by definition not quite so emphatic? "Very boring" does not mean quite the same thing as "fucking boring." And I would submit to you that the meaning has changed, but the stigma still exists. And the stigma still means the same thing. The stigma means, "that's bad!" and that's what gives the word the emphasis.

The long story is this: language is not consciously invented by individuals or society. The forces at work are much larger than that: time, rumor, habit, fear, comfort, pack mentality, economy--it goes on and on. And when we're talking about word with connotations that are negative, the forces at work are going to be forces like pack mentality, fear. Hate.

I cannot think of things which humans, as a race, have hated or feared more than God, sex, and their own bodies. We have also loved them just as much: which is why condemnation or abuse of them can mean so much.

We've all heard the thing about sticks and stones. In a way, it's true. Language is never going to hurt as directly as bombs and bullets, but bombs and bullets are built consciously by individuals and society. They are directed weapons invented for the purpose of pain; the intentionality behind them means when you shoot a gun, you are always aiming to kill.

Language isn't like that. It's a thing like water, which is beautiful and everywhere and intentionless and vital and dangerous.

Let me add on one more hypothetical and claim my Atheist Sex-Lover is a rational, thinking person, and is aware of the stigma attached to words she uses. In all likelihood, she'll still say something awful "goddamn fucking sucks". Why? I would hope that the main reason is because that even if these words have to do with hate and fear, her body, what she chooses to do with it, and her God are her own. No doubt she's offending some people with that language, but the stigma but was never aimed at them. For these words specifically, the stigma was only ever aimed out ourselves.

The other reason, one might say, is that my Rational Atheist Sex-Lover has no other choice. She didn't invent the language, but like water, she must use it, and she would like to use it effectively so that people understand her meaning.

The reason I wrote this post is twofold. The first is to submit to anyone reading this that there are words with stigma aimed at specific people. The stigma's still attached to them whether the meaning's changed or not. The words I'm talking about are words like gyp, lame, gay, jew, and retarded, and whether you're a Rational Atheist Sex-Lover or not, you cannot say you use these words for the reason that they're not hurting anybody: because they do.

The second reason I wrote this is to state the belief that the other excuse, that we have no choice, is bullshit. (Gaila sees nothing wrong with bulls, nor their bodily functions.) I say this as a person who said that something awful was "lame" in a story about someone who was disabled. Here's the thing: I could have chosen another word. I have been trying to use other words. It's been hard, but it's been hard because I'm lazy and comfortable and thoughtless, not because it hurts me, or causes me emotional stress. I don't mean that I've never said horribly offensive things or that I won't again, or that I'm not saying horribly offensive things right now without knowing it. I do mean that I when I learn what words mean, I can choose to use them or not, and sticks and stones will never hurt me if I choose not to say them.

You always have a choice. Language may be vast and dangerous and beyond our control, but it will not rear up like the sea and drown us. We each of us make a choice on the water that we drink, and just because language is powerful that doesn't mean you can't aim it like it like a weapon. Or sheath it like a sword.

I guess I'm saying choose your words wisely. They're yours.

Comments

[stultiloquentia]

Gosh, I was thinking about this just last night. I scrolled past a post full of people talking about how much other people needed to "die a fucking death" and variations. It's a phrase that gets tossed around all the time around fandom, but it makes me flinch. I wanted to barge in and say, "Listen to yourself for a minute!" But it wasn't my space, and I'm not on intimate terms with the OP, so I just went away. And now I'm feeling weird and itchy and cowardly about it. :/

[lettered]

Well, it's one thing to choose your words and another thing to choose another person's.

I'm a lot less concerned about the words themselves than the context, if that makes sense in light of the post I made. The word "gyp" as used to rip someone off is offensive in any context because of the context of its origin. Telling someone to die a fucking death is offensive in any context, but I find it a lot more problematic in some contexts than others. For instance people saying it on the internet in an lj post I would find less problematic than a public figure with power and influence who supports other things that can lead to violence saying the same thing, for instance.

Just because I find it "less problematic" doesn't mean I don't find it problematic at all. It's just that . . . because language isn't like a gun, you can't walk up to people and say, "Watch where you point that thing." Most often I feel like you can only watch where you point yours.

[stultiloquentia]

Well, it's one thing to choose your words and another thing to choose another person's [...] you can't walk up to people and say, "Watch where you point that thing." Most often I feel like you can only watch where you point yours.

You are wise, and somehow managed to make me feel better about it. Thanks.

[lettered]

lol I dunno about wise but I'm certainly good at making things up.

I would like to draw little hearts around you, now. I'm glad if I could help.