forget your Unified Theory of Everything

stultiloquentia posted her fannish life cycle. Now we meme it.

1. Hear about canon for a while.
2. Don't care.
3. Hear something (explanation for why X is cool), see something (one episode, a fanfic), know someone (who likes the canon).
4. Understand in that moment that it is all over for me. I cannot help the inevitable slide into the abyss.
5. Consume all of canon directly before or almost in conjunction with reading every long sweeping epic romantic fanfic, and all of the porn.
6. Begin writing two or three long form "what if" fanfics.
7. Get 20,000 words in and feel stymied.
8. Realize I haven't talked about this and no one cares.
9. Decide to try to meet people in the fandom.
10. Find people in the fandom.
11. Write very long meta comments to people in the fandom.
12. Delete comments before posted, since I have more to say, and I might as well just do a post, and that person doesn't know me anyway, and will probably just say, "Oh, that's nice," in response to my Very Important thoughts.
13. Decide to post my own meta.
14. Get about 5,000 words in.
15. Remember that no one cares.
16. Go back to writing the 20,000 word fic, because it makes me feel better.
17. Most likely never post it.
18. Continue to find porn.
19. Get bored of porn and wonder where the good fic is.
20. Consider asking where the good fic is.
21. Remember that no one cares.
22. Lurk. Sometimes find good fic. Sometimes not.
23. Venture into the wilderness again with varying success.
24. Probably never post big long form fic.

ETA: This is the way I feel about my place in fandom. These emotions often prevent me from participating, even when I know said emotions are unfounded or ridiculous. These feelings more often than not do not reflect the reality of whether people care or not. /qualifier

What's your fannish life cycle? Pass it on.

I think something weird is happening to me. I'm either depressed or something very like the opposite. Perhaps it is RL stuff I don't know how to react to and I'm not going to talk about.

But lately, I've been thinking of quite a few things. They are things I have thought of before, many times. I've dwelt on them, turning them over in my brain. They are nothing new. In fact, they are pithy, self-evident, and familiar to many. What is new is that they suddenly feel new.

And they seem to be just utterly random things, about both life and writing. I don't really get it.

Well, here they are, for the edification of anyone interested. They still seem very strange to me in their familiarity.

( Not new thoughts. )

eta: fixed, for lo, I am stupid.

In other dw news, I can't wait until they get that queue thing set up. I have written about 20 posts; they're all discussions; I'd like to post them. Why don't I just, you ask? I don't know. I get angsty about them, not because they're contentious discussions (they're really not!). I don't know why. I'd rather them go up without me having to think about it. Maybe it's because then I won't worry about replies (that is, whether anyone cares, not whether anyone will wank), and I won't feel like I have to be feelin' it right then to post, and I won't worry about how it will be an isolated thing in the bigger context of what I have to say. These are ridiculous things to worry about, but I don't worry about worrying about them. I worry about worse things and then worry about worrying about those instead.

I’ve always wanted to know everything about everything, and I’ve always loved the way everything connects to everything else. Except science.

( Is it just me, or is this a hard subject to get into? Is it just me, or does it seem like kids will more likely be interested in anything else more than science (or possibly math)? And is it just me, or does it seem like the latter are more often girls? )

About ten years ago, when I was sixteen, I was spending a significant portion every day looking for an objective morality. I didn’t feel I could definitively tell right from wrong. It bothered me, so I thought that I could find a “platform” from which to view the world, I could determine the difference in any situation. I spent a lot of time thinking and writing about it.

Later I found out what philosophy and religion were about.

That’s my best example of having Things To Say about something, then realizing Things had already been said. Finding out you’ve been chipping away at a question that is pretty much the central theme of all abstract thought in the history of the world can be kind of a downer, actually. Gets to be even more of a downer when you realize that people have always been chipping away at all the questions you’ll ever think to ask, and they’ve chipped deeper than you’re going to.

It makes you wonder, what’s the point? ( Are you unwilling to speak unless to say something that will impress the whole room? )

So, do you feel the intimidation thing? On LJ? In writing? In real life? How do you get past it? Do you think about someone who inspires you, or does that make it worse? Who/what is it that intimidates you? What do you want to do with your life, anyway?