This Just In! Rant! Fic! Hookers!

[lettered]

I know you'll never believe my amazing news! I didn't when I first heard about it! But it's all true!



Buffy doesn't think she's fat. Buffy doesn't think she's ugly. In fact, she thinks she's pretty damn PRETTY.

Buffy is not a hooker.

Buffy has boobs. Nice boobs. She does not worry about the size of her rack. Ever. Sometimes she even looks down at them and thinks, "wow, perky!"

Angel is also not a hooker.

Angel has sex with women occasionally. Lots of times he likes it. Lots of times he doesn't EVER say, "ugh, vaginas, gross."

Spike is also not a hooker. He is also not a drug addict. By the way, Buffy is not a drug addict. And Angel is NOT in a gang.

Fred exists!

Gunn is not just a fuck buddy.

Angel is not a pimp. You may think with that velvet jacket--but you'd be wrong.

Buffy does not dress like a skanky ho just for the fun of dressing like a skanky ho.

Dru is not sane. She's really really not. She does not live in a white house with a picket fence and file for divorce from Spike because he had sex with Buffy.

Dru is also not a secretary at a law firm.

Gunn does understand and can make use of proper grammar.

Buffy does not need a translator for Spike. She understands the gist of bint and bloody and pillock. She may get uptight about the word "shirty" but she does not feel the need to carry a slang dictionary to decipher him. Spike is English. Sort of. Get over it.

Lindsey is not an innocent.

Lorne is not gay.

Dawn won't go away just because you hate her. Dawn isn't actually a hooker either. Dawn wouldn't even dance in a strip club, not even if the pay was really great.

Buffy is funny. Xander is funny. Spike's funny too. Believe it or not, Angel's funny too. In fact, find me a person in Jossverse who is not occasionally funny, and I will find you a person who has way too much time on their hands finding out the name of that one guy on that one ep who never cracked a joke. Unless you pick Glory because we all know the writers tried really hard but she really wasn't funny. She really wasn't.

Sometimes, Giles doesn't drink tea. Or clean his glasses.

Wesley exists!

Cordelia is not heartless. Cordelia is not a hooker, either. Not even a high pay one.

Spike uses product, too.

Buffy's not a natural blond. Neither is Cordelia. Neither is Spike.

Andrew isn't innocent either. Faith isn't innocent either. I actually don't know about the hooker part though. Or even the drug addict part. I'm pretty sure she isn't in one of those girl gangs, though. Andrew might be, though.

Riley isn't a rapist.

Riley loves Buffy. Angel loves Buffy. Giles loves Buffy. Xander loves Buffy. And not just in the he wants to feel her up way, though there is that.

Buffy loves Xander. Buffy would in fact die for Xander.

Buffy is intelligent.

Xander doesn't only reference Star Wars.

BtVS S2 Angel would never coerce S2 Buffy into having sex with him.

Buffy would never call Spike "Sir." Or "Master."

Lots of the characters in Jossverse would have lots of wiggins about having sex with more than one person. Doesn't mean you shouldn't write it. Doesn't mean you even have to deal with it when you write it. Just sayin'.

Lots of the characters in Jossverse would have lots of wiggins about having sex with someone of their own sex. Doesn't mean you shouldn't write it. Doesn't mean you even have to deal with it when you write it. Just sayin'.

Tara does not mother everyone in sight. She's actually shy, in case you missed that part.

Willow has speech patterns. In fact, everyone in Jossverse has a distinct way of speaking. No one in Jossverse talks like an eighteenth century novel. Not even when they are in the eighteenth century.

Buffy's father never beat her.

Angelus killed his family. Angelus tortured Drusilla. Angelus tried to make more monsters in his own image. Angelus murdered Jenny Calendar, and liked it. I don't have physical evidence (pity) but I'm telling you right now he got off on it. Angelus has killed more people than you've ever met. Angelus would kill you.

Spike probably would, too.

Buffy actually never ever ever looks shabby or slovenly. Because need I remind you, she's not a drug addict or homeless or an abused child or a victim of some horrible unspeakable crime.

Angel does not worry that his name sounds girly. That much.

Buffy thinks about things besides men. She also thinks about things besides sex. So, actually, does Angel. Yes, folks, even Spike and Xander have thoughts beyond sex, and those thoughts they have are not about bondage fun between sex, and nor are they about getting married and having children and getting a dog. They're actually thoughts about saving the world and PlayStation and table tennis and what am I going to wear tomorrow and I wonder whether those crazy kids on Dawson's Creek will hook up.

Gunn is taller than Angel.

Willow actually moves beyond Oz. Not saying she stops loving him. She does learn to love someone else too.

But everything everyone says about Kennedy is true. She actually probably is a hooker.

Comments

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

Angelus killed his family. Angelus tortured Drusilla. Angelus tried to make more monsters in his own image. Angelus murdered Jenny Calendar, and liked it. I don't have physical evidence (pity) but I'm telling you right now he got off on it. Angelus has killed more people than you've ever met. Angelus would kill you.

Spike probably would, too.

One of my favorite "I can't believe someone is seriously writing this fic" moment was when I came across a fic set in S6 where Hank Summers returns to Sunnydale to check in on his daughters - and upon learning all about Spike - decides to play matchmaker between Buffy and Spike. Because if there's anything a father would want in a boyfriend for his daughter, it's an unemployed mass-murderer.

[jgracio.livejournal.com]

Because if there's anything a father would want in a boyfriend for his daughter, it's an unemployed mass-murderer.

OTOH, it's Hank. Didn't he get some sort of "Worst dad EVAH!" award or something? :)

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

This is supposed to be a sign that he's a good and serious dad.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Not to mention he smoke and drinks and looks a lot older than her. That's one of the goofier things I've ever heard.

[dlgood.livejournal.com]

It really is. Now I can't speak for all fathers everywhere. I can only speak for watching how my dad reacted to my sisters' boyfriends and how most dad's I know would react. A father trying to be a good dad, as this Hank story was supposed to be... Just, no.

I can't say I've done an authoritative survery of it, but I don't know a lot of guys in fandom that look at Spike and see good boyfriend material... I'm sure the ratio is much higher among female viewers.

[jgracio.livejournal.com]

I don't know a lot of guys in fandom that look at Spike and see good boyfriend material...

That's because he isn't. He's a good imaginary boyfriend, but the same people that think he's just great as a character would have a very different opinion of him if he actually existed and yanno, killed people to drink their blood. :)

Angel is similar. Is he a good imaginary boyfriend for Buffy / whoever? Can be. Real life? Not so much.

But never let that stand in the way of a good shipper story. :)

[femmenerd.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha! You are my favorite right now.

But everything everyone says about Kennedy is true. She actually probably is a hooker.

And damn girl, you silliness has a motif and some nice concluding structure. *g*

[tkp.livejournal.com]

HA! What's sad is I actually considered that. There's an art to list writing.

[leni-ba.livejournal.com]

Gunn is not just a fuck buddy.

Aw pooh. Go and ruin tonight's dream, why don't you? :-P

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Oh no! He CAN be a fuck buddy. That's just not all he is.

[leni-ba.livejournal.com]

Dawn wouldn't even dance in a strip club, not even if the pay was really great.

Oh yeah. I still need to write THAT one fic. What? You expect me to see that cliché and not run with it to a pretty D/S place? Hah!

Angel does not worry that his name sounds girly. That much.

Uh-huh. Says the 'Do I look 500?' guy. (may be misquoted. From Origin)

Angelus killed his family.

Amen. Though I hesitate about that 'his'. It's still his family if he's vamped and unsouled? Was Buffy still 'his' girlfriend? Oooh, now that's a thought!

Angelus tortured Drusilla.

Amen. Did a wonderful job at it, too.

Angelus tried to make more monsters in his own image.

That sounds very God-like. But... Do you really think so? I always thought he wanted to play, to have fun, to make 'masterworks' of evil and despair. But in his own image? Oh, but how fun that the one thing we've ever been told Angelus would have admired (re: Dana) was made by an human man? Boy, do I love Joss!

Angelus murdered Jenny Calendar, and liked it. I don't have physical evidence (pity) but I'm telling you right now he got off on it.

One only needs to see the tapes. And yep, pity,

Angelus has killed more people than you've ever met. Angelus would kill you.

In a hearbeat.


Lovely post, as always!

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah. I still need to write THAT one fic. What? You expect me to see that cliché and not run with it to a pretty D/S place? Hah!

The thing is I'd read it. As long as we're clear that Dawn isn't ACTUALLY a stripper. I mean, as far as Dawn is actually anything, really.

Uh-huh. Says the 'Do I look 500?' guy. (may be misquoted. From Origin)

He worries about his appearance. His clothes. His hair more than is paranormal. I just don't see him getting wiggy about his manliness.

Amen. Though I hesitate about that 'his'. It's still his family if he's vamped and unsouled? Was Buffy still 'his' girlfriend? Oooh, now that's a thought!

Angelus kills them precisely because they are his family. Whether they technically were or not seems to make very little difference; he feels as though they are his family and that they let him down/held him back/weren't good enough/etc etc, and so he killed them. In much the same way, after Spike is dead and gone Spike still considers his dear old mum his mum, and wants her with him in the after life the way he had her irl.

That sounds very God-like. But... Do you really think so? I always thought he wanted to play, to have fun, to make 'masterworks' of evil and despair. But in his own image? Oh, but how fun that the one thing we've ever been told Angelus would have admired (re: Dana) was made by an human man? Boy, do I love Joss!

I think so because canon said so. Angelus taught Penn everything Penn knew; Penn's methods of killing, torture, revenge etc were shallow imitations of everything Angelus did. I think he wanted to do the same thing to Spike, and Spike wouldn't have it. Of course Spike became just as much of a monster, just in his own way.

But yay for Angelus violence. I mean not yay in the way of good, but--well, actually, yes, because hey, fiction!

Thanks!

[leni-ba.livejournal.com]

Aw, Dawn could SO be a stripper. Just let me think of a good reason. *grins* I've seen the stories, too, but you know what they say about cliché isn't one until you've tried it yourself.

Okay, I never saw the Penn episode. But from the little I've heard of it, it always sounded to me as if Penn was the one who wanted to imitate him, not Angelus who pushed him into it. Sure, Angelus taught him, but I'd say it was just in the way Darla taught him. Not to create a replica, but to create something else. Something to be amused by, maybe? and there I wander in Darla/Angelus stuff....

As for the 'his' thing, bad thing I'm taking a break. I can see my Angelus muse looking up interestingly. *sigh*

Anyway, *smooches* Take care!

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Okay, I never saw the Penn episode. But from the little I've heard of it, it always sounded to me as if Penn was the one who wanted to imitate him, not Angelus who pushed him into it. Sure, Angelus taught him, but I'd say it was just in the way Darla taught him. Not to create a replica, but to create something else. Something to be amused by, maybe? and there I wander in Darla/Angelus stuff....

Oh, you should see Somnambulist. It's a great ep, and says a lot about Angelus, I think. It did seem very clear to me that Angelus wanted to make Penn like himself, right down to the daddy complex. Whether Angelus was pleased by that creation is another issue altogether. I personally think Angelus had a lot more attachment to Spike because Spike wouldn't play Angelus' game.

Then again I would also argue that Darla wanted to make over Angelus in her own image at first, too. Her teaching of him in The Prodigal seems a lot like she's trying to persuade him to kill the ways she's interested in, not to become his own kind of monster. But Angelus, (like Spike) foils the teacher's expectations. Angelus was more cruel and destructive than Darla could ever be. And Darla loved it. But I don't think she expected anything more than an imitation of herself, originally.

But anyway, Angelus and Darla and Spike can be interpreted in as many ways as there are people to intepret them, and sometimes more, so it's fun to look at the possibilities.

[ravenwings-7.livejournal.com]

I still can't see that, actually.
Of course, he'd have a broken foot or something and be pouting about his mug o' blood being too cold (in my imaginary happy Spuffy world). And he'd never ever admit pouting to anyone.

Well, I don't think Buffy thinks about PlayStation, either.
Point. My mind had moved on to the "even Spike and Xander" aspect of that paragraph.

Does anyone love Kennedy? And I kept getting the answer, Someone must, somewhere. And honey, you are it!
I think I've read a fic or two (by different authors no less!) by someone who actually liked her. The titles and authors escape me right now, because one of them was distinctly unmemorable, and the other I just can't remember. And I figured you were probably just joking. Even if you weren't, Kennedy-bashing bothers me far less than Riley- or Robin-bashing: at least she really is a bitch, instead of a fairly decent person who made a few really earth-shatteringly stupid decisions (okay, they could be assholes, too, but tended more towards occasional bouts of profound stupidity).

[ravenwings-7.livejournal.com]

Alright, which the Hell button did I click to make this not in the thread it's supposed to be in?
::is confused::

[galaxynumber5.livejournal.com]

Hee! *adores*