This Just In! Rant! Fic! Hookers!

[lettered]

I know you'll never believe my amazing news! I didn't when I first heard about it! But it's all true!



Buffy doesn't think she's fat. Buffy doesn't think she's ugly. In fact, she thinks she's pretty damn PRETTY.

Buffy is not a hooker.

Buffy has boobs. Nice boobs. She does not worry about the size of her rack. Ever. Sometimes she even looks down at them and thinks, "wow, perky!"

Angel is also not a hooker.

Angel has sex with women occasionally. Lots of times he likes it. Lots of times he doesn't EVER say, "ugh, vaginas, gross."

Spike is also not a hooker. He is also not a drug addict. By the way, Buffy is not a drug addict. And Angel is NOT in a gang.

Fred exists!

Gunn is not just a fuck buddy.

Angel is not a pimp. You may think with that velvet jacket--but you'd be wrong.

Buffy does not dress like a skanky ho just for the fun of dressing like a skanky ho.

Dru is not sane. She's really really not. She does not live in a white house with a picket fence and file for divorce from Spike because he had sex with Buffy.

Dru is also not a secretary at a law firm.

Gunn does understand and can make use of proper grammar.

Buffy does not need a translator for Spike. She understands the gist of bint and bloody and pillock. She may get uptight about the word "shirty" but she does not feel the need to carry a slang dictionary to decipher him. Spike is English. Sort of. Get over it.

Lindsey is not an innocent.

Lorne is not gay.

Dawn won't go away just because you hate her. Dawn isn't actually a hooker either. Dawn wouldn't even dance in a strip club, not even if the pay was really great.

Buffy is funny. Xander is funny. Spike's funny too. Believe it or not, Angel's funny too. In fact, find me a person in Jossverse who is not occasionally funny, and I will find you a person who has way too much time on their hands finding out the name of that one guy on that one ep who never cracked a joke. Unless you pick Glory because we all know the writers tried really hard but she really wasn't funny. She really wasn't.

Sometimes, Giles doesn't drink tea. Or clean his glasses.

Wesley exists!

Cordelia is not heartless. Cordelia is not a hooker, either. Not even a high pay one.

Spike uses product, too.

Buffy's not a natural blond. Neither is Cordelia. Neither is Spike.

Andrew isn't innocent either. Faith isn't innocent either. I actually don't know about the hooker part though. Or even the drug addict part. I'm pretty sure she isn't in one of those girl gangs, though. Andrew might be, though.

Riley isn't a rapist.

Riley loves Buffy. Angel loves Buffy. Giles loves Buffy. Xander loves Buffy. And not just in the he wants to feel her up way, though there is that.

Buffy loves Xander. Buffy would in fact die for Xander.

Buffy is intelligent.

Xander doesn't only reference Star Wars.

BtVS S2 Angel would never coerce S2 Buffy into having sex with him.

Buffy would never call Spike "Sir." Or "Master."

Lots of the characters in Jossverse would have lots of wiggins about having sex with more than one person. Doesn't mean you shouldn't write it. Doesn't mean you even have to deal with it when you write it. Just sayin'.

Lots of the characters in Jossverse would have lots of wiggins about having sex with someone of their own sex. Doesn't mean you shouldn't write it. Doesn't mean you even have to deal with it when you write it. Just sayin'.

Tara does not mother everyone in sight. She's actually shy, in case you missed that part.

Willow has speech patterns. In fact, everyone in Jossverse has a distinct way of speaking. No one in Jossverse talks like an eighteenth century novel. Not even when they are in the eighteenth century.

Buffy's father never beat her.

Angelus killed his family. Angelus tortured Drusilla. Angelus tried to make more monsters in his own image. Angelus murdered Jenny Calendar, and liked it. I don't have physical evidence (pity) but I'm telling you right now he got off on it. Angelus has killed more people than you've ever met. Angelus would kill you.

Spike probably would, too.

Buffy actually never ever ever looks shabby or slovenly. Because need I remind you, she's not a drug addict or homeless or an abused child or a victim of some horrible unspeakable crime.

Angel does not worry that his name sounds girly. That much.

Buffy thinks about things besides men. She also thinks about things besides sex. So, actually, does Angel. Yes, folks, even Spike and Xander have thoughts beyond sex, and those thoughts they have are not about bondage fun between sex, and nor are they about getting married and having children and getting a dog. They're actually thoughts about saving the world and PlayStation and table tennis and what am I going to wear tomorrow and I wonder whether those crazy kids on Dawson's Creek will hook up.

Gunn is taller than Angel.

Willow actually moves beyond Oz. Not saying she stops loving him. She does learn to love someone else too.

But everything everyone says about Kennedy is true. She actually probably is a hooker.

Comments

[tkp.livejournal.com]

I meant to put in the actual proof I have that Angel is not in fact a fluffy bunny: at garden stores they sell dried blood to sprinkle on your plants so bunnies won't eat them, because bunnies don't like blood.

After Doyle and before Spike Angel is the shortest guy on the show. But with some people their OTC has to be taller than everyone and their mama. I've read fics in which Spike is taller than Gunn. I mean COME ON! Gunn is freakishly tall!

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Boreanaz is taller than Denisof, and all the other guys on BtVS. The only one taller is JAR. His shoulders are also wider. They just rigged it on camera so it was hard to tell. Much like the way they made Seth Green appear taller than Hannigan, when in fact, I think he might be the shortest person since the creation of time.

Thank you for mentioning that vampires without souls are occasionally, you know, actually evil.

Next up can you mention how it's unlikely that Spike is a fairy prince? Kthx.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Is he really? Huh. Must've had a fact wrong. Possibly out of a subconscious wish that DB was taller. I'm almost as tall as he is.

Green really is wee. It makes me strangely happy.

I'm not so sure Spike isn't. Ever notice how awful Buffy was to him, how cruel everyone was, when all he wanted to do was flit about and bake them cupcakes?

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Having stood next to Boreanaz, I can tell you he's over 6 ft. Also, he smells good.

Spike is the muffin man. It all makes sense now.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Also, he smells good.

*dies a little*

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Oh, freakishly tall men are so hot. JAR's 6'4" and the first guy I ever brought home as a date was 6'7". (I'm only 5'5".)

Fic writers tend to exaggerate everything about Spike, it seems.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Yes! I was just saying I wished DB was taller. I'm almost 6 feet. I like a guy that can make me feel small. Too bad the only really excellent guys I've met in the 6'4" range are both my brothers!

They don't exaggerate his wee!ness. Oh wait, sometimes they do.

[my_daroga]

Ha ha, most of the guys I know are over 6'. Actually tall girls get really angry at me for marrying into 6'4" territory cuz I'm only 5'4" on a good day. They think I should have let the tall girls have him. But too bad--he was my cousin first, thanks.

And on a totally different note, I've always liked the wee ones. Seth Green is adorable. I don't mind them being my height at all.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

You can like the wee ones because you are wee. I mean, have you ever had the experience of crushing on a guy 6 inches shorter than you? Or dancing with one with his face in your boobs?

[my_daroga]

Nope, 'fraid not. And I understand your problem, definitely. I *do* have to deal with arm, back and neck strain!

If you've seen Phantom of the Paradise, there's a scene where the 6'4" actor embraces the actress who's (still) the same size as me--it's quite funny and I think it's what me and Mr. A look like!

[tkp.livejournal.com]

It's true! No strain for me! There are downsides both ways. But, I am self-conscious about my height. I tend to be very confident about the way I look--no, I'm not a bombshell, but who is, why does it matter, and what do you gain from worrying about it? But my height has just always bothered me. So when I complain about it, ignore me.

And I haven't seen it! I know! I need to!

[my_daroga]

But, I am self-conscious...

Aren't we all? =)

And I haven't seen it! I know! I need to!

If we are to continue our friendship, that is...

[jgracio.livejournal.com]

There's an old saying around here, that pretty much says the height difference doesn't matter, at least as long as the middles line up. :)

[tkp.livejournal.com]

HA! Well, that works!