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This Just In! Rant! Fic! Hookers!
I know you'll never believe my amazing news! I didn't when I first heard about it! But it's all true!
Buffy doesn't think she's fat. Buffy doesn't think she's ugly. In fact, she thinks she's pretty damn PRETTY.
Buffy is not a hooker.
Buffy has boobs. Nice boobs. She does not worry about the size of her rack. Ever. Sometimes she even looks down at them and thinks, "wow, perky!"
Angel is also not a hooker.
Angel has sex with women occasionally. Lots of times he likes it. Lots of times he doesn't EVER say, "ugh, vaginas, gross."
Spike is also not a hooker. He is also not a drug addict. By the way, Buffy is not a drug addict. And Angel is NOT in a gang.
Fred exists!
Gunn is not just a fuck buddy.
Angel is not a pimp. You may think with that velvet jacket--but you'd be wrong.
Buffy does not dress like a skanky ho just for the fun of dressing like a skanky ho.
Dru is not sane. She's really really not. She does not live in a white house with a picket fence and file for divorce from Spike because he had sex with Buffy.
Dru is also not a secretary at a law firm.
Gunn does understand and can make use of proper grammar.
Buffy does not need a translator for Spike. She understands the gist of bint and bloody and pillock. She may get uptight about the word "shirty" but she does not feel the need to carry a slang dictionary to decipher him. Spike is English. Sort of. Get over it.
Lindsey is not an innocent.
Lorne is not gay.
Dawn won't go away just because you hate her. Dawn isn't actually a hooker either. Dawn wouldn't even dance in a strip club, not even if the pay was really great.
Buffy is funny. Xander is funny. Spike's funny too. Believe it or not, Angel's funny too. In fact, find me a person in Jossverse who is not occasionally funny, and I will find you a person who has way too much time on their hands finding out the name of that one guy on that one ep who never cracked a joke. Unless you pick Glory because we all know the writers tried really hard but she really wasn't funny. She really wasn't.
Sometimes, Giles doesn't drink tea. Or clean his glasses.
Wesley exists!
Cordelia is not heartless. Cordelia is not a hooker, either. Not even a high pay one.
Spike uses product, too.
Buffy's not a natural blond. Neither is Cordelia. Neither is Spike.
Andrew isn't innocent either. Faith isn't innocent either. I actually don't know about the hooker part though. Or even the drug addict part. I'm pretty sure she isn't in one of those girl gangs, though. Andrew might be, though.
Riley isn't a rapist.
Riley loves Buffy. Angel loves Buffy. Giles loves Buffy. Xander loves Buffy. And not just in the he wants to feel her up way, though there is that.
Buffy loves Xander. Buffy would in fact die for Xander.
Buffy is intelligent.
Xander doesn't only reference Star Wars.
BtVS S2 Angel would never coerce S2 Buffy into having sex with him.
Buffy would never call Spike "Sir." Or "Master."
Lots of the characters in Jossverse would have lots of wiggins about having sex with more than one person. Doesn't mean you shouldn't write it. Doesn't mean you even have to deal with it when you write it. Just sayin'.
Lots of the characters in Jossverse would have lots of wiggins about having sex with someone of their own sex. Doesn't mean you shouldn't write it. Doesn't mean you even have to deal with it when you write it. Just sayin'.
Tara does not mother everyone in sight. She's actually shy, in case you missed that part.
Willow has speech patterns. In fact, everyone in Jossverse has a distinct way of speaking. No one in Jossverse talks like an eighteenth century novel. Not even when they are in the eighteenth century.
Buffy's father never beat her.
Angelus killed his family. Angelus tortured Drusilla. Angelus tried to make more monsters in his own image. Angelus murdered Jenny Calendar, and liked it. I don't have physical evidence (pity) but I'm telling you right now he got off on it. Angelus has killed more people than you've ever met. Angelus would kill you.
Spike probably would, too.
Buffy actually never ever ever looks shabby or slovenly. Because need I remind you, she's not a drug addict or homeless or an abused child or a victim of some horrible unspeakable crime.
Angel does not worry that his name sounds girly. That much.
Buffy thinks about things besides men. She also thinks about things besides sex. So, actually, does Angel. Yes, folks, even Spike and Xander have thoughts beyond sex, and those thoughts they have are not about bondage fun between sex, and nor are they about getting married and having children and getting a dog. They're actually thoughts about saving the world and PlayStation and table tennis and what am I going to wear tomorrow and I wonder whether those crazy kids on Dawson's Creek will hook up.
Gunn is taller than Angel.
Willow actually moves beyond Oz. Not saying she stops loving him. She does learn to love someone else too.
But everything everyone says about Kennedy is true. She actually probably is a hooker.
Buffy doesn't think she's fat. Buffy doesn't think she's ugly. In fact, she thinks she's pretty damn PRETTY.
Buffy is not a hooker.
Buffy has boobs. Nice boobs. She does not worry about the size of her rack. Ever. Sometimes she even looks down at them and thinks, "wow, perky!"
Angel is also not a hooker.
Angel has sex with women occasionally. Lots of times he likes it. Lots of times he doesn't EVER say, "ugh, vaginas, gross."
Spike is also not a hooker. He is also not a drug addict. By the way, Buffy is not a drug addict. And Angel is NOT in a gang.
Fred exists!
Gunn is not just a fuck buddy.
Angel is not a pimp. You may think with that velvet jacket--but you'd be wrong.
Buffy does not dress like a skanky ho just for the fun of dressing like a skanky ho.
Dru is not sane. She's really really not. She does not live in a white house with a picket fence and file for divorce from Spike because he had sex with Buffy.
Dru is also not a secretary at a law firm.
Gunn does understand and can make use of proper grammar.
Buffy does not need a translator for Spike. She understands the gist of bint and bloody and pillock. She may get uptight about the word "shirty" but she does not feel the need to carry a slang dictionary to decipher him. Spike is English. Sort of. Get over it.
Lindsey is not an innocent.
Dawn won't go away just because you hate her. Dawn isn't actually a hooker either. Dawn wouldn't even dance in a strip club, not even if the pay was really great.
Buffy is funny. Xander is funny. Spike's funny too. Believe it or not, Angel's funny too. In fact, find me a person in Jossverse who is not occasionally funny, and I will find you a person who has way too much time on their hands finding out the name of that one guy on that one ep who never cracked a joke. Unless you pick Glory because we all know the writers tried really hard but she really wasn't funny. She really wasn't.
Sometimes, Giles doesn't drink tea. Or clean his glasses.
Wesley exists!
Cordelia is not heartless. Cordelia is not a hooker, either. Not even a high pay one.
Spike uses product, too.
Buffy's not a natural blond. Neither is Cordelia. Neither is Spike.
Andrew isn't innocent either. Faith isn't innocent either. I actually don't know about the hooker part though. Or even the drug addict part. I'm pretty sure she isn't in one of those girl gangs, though. Andrew might be, though.
Riley isn't a rapist.
Riley loves Buffy. Angel loves Buffy. Giles loves Buffy. Xander loves Buffy. And not just in the he wants to feel her up way, though there is that.
Buffy loves Xander. Buffy would in fact die for Xander.
Buffy is intelligent.
Xander doesn't only reference Star Wars.
BtVS S2 Angel would never coerce S2 Buffy into having sex with him.
Buffy would never call Spike "Sir." Or "Master."
Lots of the characters in Jossverse would have lots of wiggins about having sex with more than one person. Doesn't mean you shouldn't write it. Doesn't mean you even have to deal with it when you write it. Just sayin'.
Lots of the characters in Jossverse would have lots of wiggins about having sex with someone of their own sex. Doesn't mean you shouldn't write it. Doesn't mean you even have to deal with it when you write it. Just sayin'.
Tara does not mother everyone in sight. She's actually shy, in case you missed that part.
Willow has speech patterns. In fact, everyone in Jossverse has a distinct way of speaking. No one in Jossverse talks like an eighteenth century novel. Not even when they are in the eighteenth century.
Buffy's father never beat her.
Angelus killed his family. Angelus tortured Drusilla. Angelus tried to make more monsters in his own image. Angelus murdered Jenny Calendar, and liked it. I don't have physical evidence (pity) but I'm telling you right now he got off on it. Angelus has killed more people than you've ever met. Angelus would kill you.
Spike probably would, too.
Buffy actually never ever ever looks shabby or slovenly. Because need I remind you, she's not a drug addict or homeless or an abused child or a victim of some horrible unspeakable crime.
Angel does not worry that his name sounds girly. That much.
Buffy thinks about things besides men. She also thinks about things besides sex. So, actually, does Angel. Yes, folks, even Spike and Xander have thoughts beyond sex, and those thoughts they have are not about bondage fun between sex, and nor are they about getting married and having children and getting a dog. They're actually thoughts about saving the world and PlayStation and table tennis and what am I going to wear tomorrow and I wonder whether those crazy kids on Dawson's Creek will hook up.
Gunn is taller than Angel.
Willow actually moves beyond Oz. Not saying she stops loving him. She does learn to love someone else too.
But everything everyone says about Kennedy is true. She actually probably is a hooker.
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menBuffyeverybody!Also, I stole your unicorn.
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I surrender.
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Though I must sadly disagree on one thing: after season 3, Buffy does not have boobs. I mean, I looked REALLY HARD.
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1) Weight loss probably related to SMG working about 20 hours a day for ten years straight or somesuch resulting in her looking progressively more worn down as time passed
2) Maybe somewhat outfit related
I can't remember where, but I remember someone on my FList once posting an SMG comment about being somewhat lacking in the chest department.
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Poor SMG. And not about the chest, about the insane amount of work she did. I can't imagine being a tv star.
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