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Freak out, in la vie de TKP
So I'm driving back from Borders after having obtained both a "Snape is a bad bad man" and a "Trust Snape" sticker (also having, with my friend, chatted up the book store clerk, who said we were cool 'cause we stood there and swapped Harry Potter theories with him, but he was only sweet in a I wanted to pet him way, because he was a foot shorter than me. I am very tall!). I'm in the right lane, pretty close to home (but not in my neighborhood yet), and it's 10.30 pm. The car in front of me doesn't move on the green light, so I'm going to pull out around him and turn, but then the light turns red again, so I'm sitting there in the left lane beside the stopped car. The guy inside motions for me to roll down my window; I do, and he asks for a jump. I tell him I didn't have any cables (which is possibly a lie; I have no idea what's in my trunk). He says he has cables, and I say, "I'm sorry, I think you need to find someone else." The guy says, "Okay, thank you, have a nice night" in an extremely polite, non-sarcastic voice, and I drive away.
I am so traumatized over this right now. Part of me feels like I did a smart thing. A lone woman, even a very tall one with not so narrow shoulder, 10.30 on a week night so there's not so many cars around, getting out of her car to help a lone man is never a bright idea in hack slash movies. Nice people get their teeth filed to nubs, their toes sent to their mothers, and their eyeballs licked by serial killers--didn't you know? But then again, it was only 10.30. We were at a brightly lit intersection. Another car was coming up, and I've been there enough at that time to know cars come up fairly regularly, even if at any given moment you're not gauranteed to have someone there besides Very Tall You and Some Guy Who Needs A Jump. And dude, if he did need a jump, if everyone's as assholic as me, he's so screwed. Though I guess he could just call someone. I comfort myself with the idea that if I had a penis I would've helped out.
The other thing that I guess I find so distressing about this is the people outside Starbucks who ask me for money. I know what people always say about people asking for money--they don't want food or gas or a blanket, they want booze or cigarettes or drugs or whatever. Whatever, the thing is, when people ask, the first thing out of my mouth is "I'm not carrying cash" (which is only true half the time. But I really don't often carry trash.) The next thing I always want to say is, "But I'll buy you a sandwich or some snacks." And yet, I never do. I always think of it; I always want to. And then I don't. Why? I don't know.
ETA: er, the way the jumping-the-guy's-car issue connects to the buying-sandwiches issue is I don't think it was just my fear for my safety that made me say no to Jump Guy. It was also something that's closer to why, in the end, I don't buy anyone sandwiches, and that is: an inherent suspicion of others (esp. those who ask for things), and my anxiety (elaborated below) in regards to both helping others and giving things to people, which can be two very different things but all hazed together here in one big rant against myself, just because I'm feeling angsty. It will pass, no doubt more quickly than it should.
I find it appalling--in myself; I don't care what other people do. I find it appalling because to me, it is totally worth it to shell out an extra five dollars for a sandwich whenever someone asks me for money (it doesn't happen that often, anyway), even if they don't want a sandwich. It's worth it even if they're just trying to see what they can mooch off other people, worth it if it's a trick, worth it if they're a junkie strung out who'll never clean up; it's worth it because it doesn't hurt me any, and because if they are starving, or even just really hungry, I made someone feel a little better. It would be way more worth it to find them a homeless shelter and drive them to it, but there's that whole, me, lone woman, you, stranger thing. Also the fact that some people actually don't want a homeless shelter. But whatever. Sandwich, least I can do, I feel like. And yet, I don't do it.
The worst part is it always happens at Starbucks. I love Starbucks coffee, but the prices are insane; as die hard as I am about coffee, it's not worth it on my salary. I only go there when a. my friends want to meet up there, or b. Daddy bought my a Sbux cash card for Valentine's Day. The thing is though that to me, Starbucks is all about extravagance. You go there when you've got money burning a hole in your pocket. So the reason I can't use five dollars on the card for someone I don't know is because . . .?
I suck at giving. I wanted to buy the person I relieve at the desk I sit at at work coffee, because whenever I came in with Starbucks I always thought, "oh, it would be so nice to have some to give him!" But I felt so weird and self-conscious about it, worried he'd think I was coming on to him, worried he would think he had to give me something in return, worried he wouldn't like it and feel compelled to drink it--I stressed about this way more than I've ever stressed about everything else to do with my job combined.
Even with people I really know well, friends and family, I flip over gifts. In the end, I hate to give them, but I really don't think it's because I'm not a generous person, or don't feel joy in making other people happy. It's because I do the worry thing. And it has to be the *perfect* present, and if I can't think of one or obtain one, I just don't give anything at all (still haven't given my brother CHRISTMAS gifts). And I get all these thoughts, like oh, I could get my Mom this, or my friend this, or send my online buddy this--but I end almost *never* just giving or sending anyone anything out of the blue, because I freeze up inside with all that angst.
ETA: Another thing. It's not just physical objects you have to pay for that I freeze up about giving. It's stuff like . . . fb. And returning emails. I feel like if I can't articulate my thoughts about it, or really give you the thought and analysis you, your post, your fic, or your message deserve, I get absolutely paralyzed. If I've ever just broken off email contact with you suddenly, that's why. *coughs*KandAmy*coughs*
I really dislike all this about myself and I feel so much better having ranted about it. I would like to write it up now in a much more amusing, less emo and hair-pulling style, but WHATEVER. Deal. This is my gift to you. Oh, and if you feel compelled, I'm not looking for reassurance here. Well, possibly I am about not giving the guy a jump because I feel so incredibly awful about that. Though if you think I did the wrong thing, I'd want to know. I *almost* turned around and went back about five different times. But anyway, it's not the things I do do. I try to be nice! And I try to give every once in a while. It's all the times I *think* of giving and don't that really make me feel sickly. I think I will make it a rule for myself that every time I go to Starbucks I will have to buy something for someone who is not me. Yes, I'm paying off my conscious. Yes, it does make me feel better.
*loves you all so hard*
I am so traumatized over this right now. Part of me feels like I did a smart thing. A lone woman, even a very tall one with not so narrow shoulder, 10.30 on a week night so there's not so many cars around, getting out of her car to help a lone man is never a bright idea in hack slash movies. Nice people get their teeth filed to nubs, their toes sent to their mothers, and their eyeballs licked by serial killers--didn't you know? But then again, it was only 10.30. We were at a brightly lit intersection. Another car was coming up, and I've been there enough at that time to know cars come up fairly regularly, even if at any given moment you're not gauranteed to have someone there besides Very Tall You and Some Guy Who Needs A Jump. And dude, if he did need a jump, if everyone's as assholic as me, he's so screwed. Though I guess he could just call someone. I comfort myself with the idea that if I had a penis I would've helped out.
The other thing that I guess I find so distressing about this is the people outside Starbucks who ask me for money. I know what people always say about people asking for money--they don't want food or gas or a blanket, they want booze or cigarettes or drugs or whatever. Whatever, the thing is, when people ask, the first thing out of my mouth is "I'm not carrying cash" (which is only true half the time. But I really don't often carry trash.) The next thing I always want to say is, "But I'll buy you a sandwich or some snacks." And yet, I never do. I always think of it; I always want to. And then I don't. Why? I don't know.
ETA: er, the way the jumping-the-guy's-car issue connects to the buying-sandwiches issue is I don't think it was just my fear for my safety that made me say no to Jump Guy. It was also something that's closer to why, in the end, I don't buy anyone sandwiches, and that is: an inherent suspicion of others (esp. those who ask for things), and my anxiety (elaborated below) in regards to both helping others and giving things to people, which can be two very different things but all hazed together here in one big rant against myself, just because I'm feeling angsty. It will pass, no doubt more quickly than it should.
I find it appalling--in myself; I don't care what other people do. I find it appalling because to me, it is totally worth it to shell out an extra five dollars for a sandwich whenever someone asks me for money (it doesn't happen that often, anyway), even if they don't want a sandwich. It's worth it even if they're just trying to see what they can mooch off other people, worth it if it's a trick, worth it if they're a junkie strung out who'll never clean up; it's worth it because it doesn't hurt me any, and because if they are starving, or even just really hungry, I made someone feel a little better. It would be way more worth it to find them a homeless shelter and drive them to it, but there's that whole, me, lone woman, you, stranger thing. Also the fact that some people actually don't want a homeless shelter. But whatever. Sandwich, least I can do, I feel like. And yet, I don't do it.
The worst part is it always happens at Starbucks. I love Starbucks coffee, but the prices are insane; as die hard as I am about coffee, it's not worth it on my salary. I only go there when a. my friends want to meet up there, or b. Daddy bought my a Sbux cash card for Valentine's Day. The thing is though that to me, Starbucks is all about extravagance. You go there when you've got money burning a hole in your pocket. So the reason I can't use five dollars on the card for someone I don't know is because . . .?
I suck at giving. I wanted to buy the person I relieve at the desk I sit at at work coffee, because whenever I came in with Starbucks I always thought, "oh, it would be so nice to have some to give him!" But I felt so weird and self-conscious about it, worried he'd think I was coming on to him, worried he would think he had to give me something in return, worried he wouldn't like it and feel compelled to drink it--I stressed about this way more than I've ever stressed about everything else to do with my job combined.
Even with people I really know well, friends and family, I flip over gifts. In the end, I hate to give them, but I really don't think it's because I'm not a generous person, or don't feel joy in making other people happy. It's because I do the worry thing. And it has to be the *perfect* present, and if I can't think of one or obtain one, I just don't give anything at all (still haven't given my brother CHRISTMAS gifts). And I get all these thoughts, like oh, I could get my Mom this, or my friend this, or send my online buddy this--but I end almost *never* just giving or sending anyone anything out of the blue, because I freeze up inside with all that angst.
ETA: Another thing. It's not just physical objects you have to pay for that I freeze up about giving. It's stuff like . . . fb. And returning emails. I feel like if I can't articulate my thoughts about it, or really give you the thought and analysis you, your post, your fic, or your message deserve, I get absolutely paralyzed. If I've ever just broken off email contact with you suddenly, that's why. *coughs*KandAmy*coughs*
I really dislike all this about myself and I feel so much better having ranted about it. I would like to write it up now in a much more amusing, less emo and hair-pulling style, but WHATEVER. Deal. This is my gift to you. Oh, and if you feel compelled, I'm not looking for reassurance here. Well, possibly I am about not giving the guy a jump because I feel so incredibly awful about that. Though if you think I did the wrong thing, I'd want to know. I *almost* turned around and went back about five different times. But anyway, it's not the things I do do. I try to be nice! And I try to give every once in a while. It's all the times I *think* of giving and don't that really make me feel sickly. I think I will make it a rule for myself that every time I go to Starbucks I will have to buy something for someone who is not me. Yes, I'm paying off my conscious. Yes, it does make me feel better.
*loves you all so hard*
no subject
I am so the opposite about giving gifts. I LOVE gifting but really only when it’s unexpected (part of the reason I dislike Valentine’s Day so much is the obligatory trade of the Meaningful Gift). I like seeing things that remind me of people and sending it to them. But I can see how it’s difficult. With new friends I always feel a little tentative at first and it’s always because of the things you went over. I don’t want someone to think I’m coming on to them or that I’m odd (well I am but still) because random giftage! I just like giving gifts. I’m likely to forget or miss sending you something for your birthday or Christmas, but you’re also very likely to get random gifts to celebrate you being you. YAY!!
But the key to enjoying gift giving, I think, is to learn to let to go once it’s done. Yes, you want the person to like the gift, but once it’s in the mail just forget about it. Done, out of your hands. Don’t worry about it.
So, I say Go For It!! Buy the homeless guy a sandwich, if you have the extra cash. Bring your co-worker a coffee. Why not! Plus! People really love random acts of kindness. I also really like the last two suggestions for donating to a shelter on a larger scale.
no subject
I got this weird vision of you sharing your experience with serial killing, afte rthat.
When I see people stranded on the side of the road and it’s really late then I’ll call Highway Patrol and let them know that a car is stranded rather than stop.
I don't ever stop. Calling highway patrol is a good idea! I just assume there'll be someone more capable than me who comes along, preferrably someone who isn't a woman by herself. But it's different when someone asks you almost face to face!
I LOVE gifting but really only when it’s unexpected
I can tell. I really appreciated your gifty in the mail the other day!
I don’t want someone to think I’m coming on to them or that I’m odd
There's also the not wanting them to feel obliged to reciprocate--that takes all the fun out of it. Another big one I forgot to mention, that's kind of hand-in-hand with someone thinking your coming onto them: so much can be read into a gift. If you give a casual friend or friendly acquaintance something, they might think you think they're better friends than they feel like they are with you, and that could make them uncomfortable, or feel the need to try to feel more for you than they do. And that sucks!
Yes, you want the person to like the gift, but once it’s in the mail just forget about it. Done, out of your hands. Don’t worry about it.
Great advice! I have anxiety problems.
Why not!
I agree! I don't really see any reason not to. Which is why I'm troubled with myself when I don't!
no subject
AHA!! I figured as much!!! I was thinking about how much I learn from watching The History Channel, and Biography, A&E, Discovery and all those channels, and how it becomes this *thing* that I know is true even though I've maybe heard it one time on one program. So, yeah, my tongue was planted very firmly in my cheek.
I just assume there'll be someone more capable than me who comes along,
Yeah, I as I dial, I always think that someone has probably already called Highway Patrol, too. I do it anyway just to be on the safe side. Never hurts. Having someone ask you for a jump is probably much odder than just swooping past an accident. It's harder to tell someone no to their face, looking them in the eye. And the general theory seems to be that women have a much more difficult time saying no than men.
There's also the not wanting them to feel obliged to reciprocate
OH, that's so true. Yeah, that definitly takes the fun out of giving a gift. Plus, it's not even a gift anymore when you do that. It's a trade. I never understood our department secret santa exchange. This past year we all bought $20 gift cards to various pre-selected locations and then did a white elephant exchange. I didn't want to spoil everyone else's fun by saying anything, but the whole time I was just thinking, I just bought myself a $20.00 gift. I mean, everyone ended up with $20.00. gift cards, so what exactly was the point!!
no subject
Figured.
Yeah, I as I dial, I always think that someone has probably already called Highway Patrol, too. I do it anyway just to be on the safe side. Never hurts.
I think that's great. I think that the whole reason there aren't more heroes and extraordinary people in the world doing extraordinary things is we get bogged down in the "someone else will do it/has done it better". About anything and everything.
I definitely have a hard time saying no to some things, it has to do with my trying too hard to be nice issues, and I wish I wasn't like that.
I mean, everyone ended up with $20.00. gift cards, so what exactly was the point!!
Yeah, that's really lame. I would hate something like that...then again I wouldn't have to stress about what to get people! I'm...a little lame myself. :o)