lettered: (Default)
It's Lion Turtles all the way down ([personal profile] lettered) wrote2007-04-12 11:27 pm

Freak out, in la vie de TKP

So I'm driving back from Borders after having obtained both a "Snape is a bad bad man" and a "Trust Snape" sticker (also having, with my friend, chatted up the book store clerk, who said we were cool 'cause we stood there and swapped Harry Potter theories with him, but he was only sweet in a I wanted to pet him way, because he was a foot shorter than me. I am very tall!). I'm in the right lane, pretty close to home (but not in my neighborhood yet), and it's 10.30 pm. The car in front of me doesn't move on the green light, so I'm going to pull out around him and turn, but then the light turns red again, so I'm sitting there in the left lane beside the stopped car. The guy inside motions for me to roll down my window; I do, and he asks for a jump. I tell him I didn't have any cables (which is possibly a lie; I have no idea what's in my trunk). He says he has cables, and I say, "I'm sorry, I think you need to find someone else." The guy says, "Okay, thank you, have a nice night" in an extremely polite, non-sarcastic voice, and I drive away.

I am so traumatized over this right now. Part of me feels like I did a smart thing. A lone woman, even a very tall one with not so narrow shoulder, 10.30 on a week night so there's not so many cars around, getting out of her car to help a lone man is never a bright idea in hack slash movies. Nice people get their teeth filed to nubs, their toes sent to their mothers, and their eyeballs licked by serial killers--didn't you know? But then again, it was only 10.30. We were at a brightly lit intersection. Another car was coming up, and I've been there enough at that time to know cars come up fairly regularly, even if at any given moment you're not gauranteed to have someone there besides Very Tall You and Some Guy Who Needs A Jump. And dude, if he did need a jump, if everyone's as assholic as me, he's so screwed. Though I guess he could just call someone. I comfort myself with the idea that if I had a penis I would've helped out.

The other thing that I guess I find so distressing about this is the people outside Starbucks who ask me for money. I know what people always say about people asking for money--they don't want food or gas or a blanket, they want booze or cigarettes or drugs or whatever. Whatever, the thing is, when people ask, the first thing out of my mouth is "I'm not carrying cash" (which is only true half the time. But I really don't often carry trash.) The next thing I always want to say is, "But I'll buy you a sandwich or some snacks." And yet, I never do. I always think of it; I always want to. And then I don't. Why? I don't know.

ETA: er, the way the jumping-the-guy's-car issue connects to the buying-sandwiches issue is I don't think it was just my fear for my safety that made me say no to Jump Guy. It was also something that's closer to why, in the end, I don't buy anyone sandwiches, and that is: an inherent suspicion of others (esp. those who ask for things), and my anxiety (elaborated below) in regards to both helping others and giving things to people, which can be two very different things but all hazed together here in one big rant against myself, just because I'm feeling angsty. It will pass, no doubt more quickly than it should.

I find it appalling--in myself; I don't care what other people do. I find it appalling because to me, it is totally worth it to shell out an extra five dollars for a sandwich whenever someone asks me for money (it doesn't happen that often, anyway), even if they don't want a sandwich. It's worth it even if they're just trying to see what they can mooch off other people, worth it if it's a trick, worth it if they're a junkie strung out who'll never clean up; it's worth it because it doesn't hurt me any, and because if they are starving, or even just really hungry, I made someone feel a little better. It would be way more worth it to find them a homeless shelter and drive them to it, but there's that whole, me, lone woman, you, stranger thing. Also the fact that some people actually don't want a homeless shelter. But whatever. Sandwich, least I can do, I feel like. And yet, I don't do it.

The worst part is it always happens at Starbucks. I love Starbucks coffee, but the prices are insane; as die hard as I am about coffee, it's not worth it on my salary. I only go there when a. my friends want to meet up there, or b. Daddy bought my a Sbux cash card for Valentine's Day. The thing is though that to me, Starbucks is all about extravagance. You go there when you've got money burning a hole in your pocket. So the reason I can't use five dollars on the card for someone I don't know is because . . .?

I suck at giving. I wanted to buy the person I relieve at the desk I sit at at work coffee, because whenever I came in with Starbucks I always thought, "oh, it would be so nice to have some to give him!" But I felt so weird and self-conscious about it, worried he'd think I was coming on to him, worried he would think he had to give me something in return, worried he wouldn't like it and feel compelled to drink it--I stressed about this way more than I've ever stressed about everything else to do with my job combined.

Even with people I really know well, friends and family, I flip over gifts. In the end, I hate to give them, but I really don't think it's because I'm not a generous person, or don't feel joy in making other people happy. It's because I do the worry thing. And it has to be the *perfect* present, and if I can't think of one or obtain one, I just don't give anything at all (still haven't given my brother CHRISTMAS gifts). And I get all these thoughts, like oh, I could get my Mom this, or my friend this, or send my online buddy this--but I end almost *never* just giving or sending anyone anything out of the blue, because I freeze up inside with all that angst.

ETA: Another thing. It's not just physical objects you have to pay for that I freeze up about giving. It's stuff like . . . fb. And returning emails. I feel like if I can't articulate my thoughts about it, or really give you the thought and analysis you, your post, your fic, or your message deserve, I get absolutely paralyzed. If I've ever just broken off email contact with you suddenly, that's why. *coughs*KandAmy*coughs*

I really dislike all this about myself and I feel so much better having ranted about it. I would like to write it up now in a much more amusing, less emo and hair-pulling style, but WHATEVER. Deal. This is my gift to you. Oh, and if you feel compelled, I'm not looking for reassurance here. Well, possibly I am about not giving the guy a jump because I feel so incredibly awful about that. Though if you think I did the wrong thing, I'd want to know. I *almost* turned around and went back about five different times. But anyway, it's not the things I do do. I try to be nice! And I try to give every once in a while. It's all the times I *think* of giving and don't that really make me feel sickly. I think I will make it a rule for myself that every time I go to Starbucks I will have to buy something for someone who is not me. Yes, I'm paying off my conscious. Yes, it does make me feel better.

*loves you all so hard*

[identity profile] kita0610.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 04:38 am (UTC)(link)
Uhm. No. Never ever help a guy out alone at night. I'm sorry the world sucks, but it does. And a little guilt (which you do not have to feel but are entitled to if it makes you happy) beats being left for dead on the roadside.

And you sent me cherry stuff out of the blue and I loved it. So there.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 04:44 am (UTC)(link)
Yeah. That's what I thought. I still feel quite bad about it, though.

I'm so glad you liked it. I love that company so much. And cherries. It was supposed to be for your bday. I suck at punctuality.

[identity profile] kita0610.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 04:51 am (UTC)(link)
I like to consider it an extended celebration opportunity~ :)!
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 05:19 am (UTC)(link)
My mom has a "birth month". My dad and I invented it when we sucked so much at giving her things on time that she was basically getting a present a day anyway instead of all at once. So, we made it stick. I rather prefer that approach, actually.

[identity profile] kita0610.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 05:36 am (UTC)(link)
It works for me, yo.

[identity profile] midnightsjane.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 04:59 am (UTC)(link)
It's sad that we have to think of stuff like this, but it's a fact of life. It's not like the guy was stranded out in the boonies and you were his only hope for survival.
Giving is something of an art, I think. Sometimes I give to panhandlers, sometimes I don't. It depends on my mood, and the person. Sometimes I make some sort of connection to that person that makes me feel more like giving them something. There was a panhandler outside my grocery store last month; I gave him a couple of dollars, and said hello. We got to talking a little, and I found out his name was Jay; next time I saw him, I called him by name, and asked how he was doing. That recognition meant something to him I think, and he became a person to me when I learned his name, and not just another faceless beggar. He wasn't nearly as frightening to me then.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 05:24 am (UTC)(link)
It's not like the guy was stranded out in the boonies and you were his only hope for survival.

Oh, then I definitely would not have stopped! Ack! That's so terrible. But out there in the boonies, it would be so easy for him to do anything to you. I guess if I was really his only chance for survival I would help. I would rather be killed than have someone else's death on my conscience, I think. I have such a capacity for guilt that it would completely make my life meaningless anyway.

Sometimes I make some sort of connection to that person

I think that's wonderful. The thing is, I'm incredibly shy. And it doesn't make any difference if the person I'm trying to get up the nerve to talk to is the King of Somewhere or a bum on the street; I just get all knotted up. But my anxieties should not be more important than kindness, which is what frustrates me.

I think that's a wonderful thing you did for that person. Sometimes feeling important enough to be remembered is as valuable as a couple dollars or food in the belly. Sometimes more.

[identity profile] midnightsjane.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 06:13 am (UTC)(link)
I think I'm more apt to talk to people because of things like that. To know that whatever else the person on the street may be, he/she is still someone who deserves to be seen is a lesson I've learned from my work. The hospital I work at is in the downtown area, and we get a lot of people who live in the Downtown East Side, a very poor area with lots of homeless folks. We've had homeless people come into our ICU with drug overdoses,and pneumonia etc; and the thing that I've noticed is that even the most seemingly down and out person still has family or friends who care about them; it might be a pretty dysfunctional relationship, but they matter as a person to someone. This has taught me not to be so judgmental, because underneath the beggar on the street, sometimes there is someone who just wants to be acknowledged as a human being.
I hope that doesn't sound preachy..it's been quite humbling to me to have some of my prejudices shown to me.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 06:39 am (UTC)(link)
No, you don't sound preachy, it's a beautiful insight, and I really agree with it.

I work in a hospital, too, and though the clientele sounds like it is probably better off than yours, I do see quite a few people who really aren't in the best places in their lives. And as you said, they have people who care about them.

I think one of the most important things about being a human being is realizing others are human beings as well. Which is why I regret so hard not reaching out a little more.

I love how you used that icon for your comment. Oh.

[identity profile] midnightsjane.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 06:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Reaching out is a scarey thing. You never know whether you will find yourself appreciated or rejected. I have been where you are, afraid to do something that might be misinterpreted. Sometimes it's easier to do something for a stranger than a friend, because if the gift of your time or whatever is rejected, it's not so personal.
I have been the recipient of random acts of kindness in the course of my life, and I've done a fair bit of travelling to places where I'm not in my comfort zone. The thing I've learned is that there are a lot more good people out there than bad, and it's pretty amazing what can happen sometimes if you take a chance. (I'm certainly not suggesting that you take unnecessary risks with your safety; I used to pick up hitchhikers way back when, but I sure don't do that anymore.)
I think this is a great icon...and I believe it's true.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-16 07:03 pm (UTC)(link)
The thing I've learned is that there are a lot more good people out there than bad, and it's pretty amazing what can happen sometimes if you take a chance.

I think that's a wonderful sentiment, and really true. I keep reminding myself of it today.

[identity profile] thelastgoodname.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 05:08 am (UTC)(link)
It's statistically unlikely that anything would have happened to you, but as my mother keeps telling me, if you're that one small percentage, for you it's a 100% certain event. It sucks, and if that guy really did just need a jump, this should make him go out and do something to promote gender equality so that he can get jumps from all of the people out there with cars, instead of having half the population assess the odds and quite sensibly decide to run in the opposite direction.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 05:17 am (UTC)(link)
This comment, FTW.

I wish what I had said was, "Dude, if I wasn't female, by myself, at night, I would totally give you a jump. As it is, find a man and his beefy brother to help you out." It would've made me feel a little better, because any intelligent guy might've been bummed about not getting the jump he needed, but would've understood. I think they guy understood anyway; he was so nice about it, but I still wish the situation had been such that I felt alright doing it.

[identity profile] ljgould.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 05:24 am (UTC)(link)
I have a brown belt in karate, and I carry a gun (by permit) that I can use with great accuracy, and I would not have given the man a jump. I would have offered to call the auto club if he didn't have a cell. It's sad, but as a woman I'm not comfortable helping a man with car trouble...or almost any other kind of trouble. Like you, I sometimes feel guilty about it.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 05:27 am (UTC)(link)
Ha, okay, that makes me feel a lot better. I should have offered to call someone for him; that's a good idea. The grocery store was right at the corner though, and it was open, and they will let you use their phone for free because I have had to use one at that particular store before (cell phone broken, had no change, sad story).

I've just never been in this particular situation before. I convinced myself I did right, but yeah, like you, guilt.

[identity profile] pjgale.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 05:58 am (UTC)(link)
You did the only right thing. Your personal safety is number one. Everyone has a mobile phone and can call for help. You never get out of your car, especially at night and you are on your own.' You just can't risk it. It was good that you trusted your instincts. I would not have even rolled down the window.

It's sad but that's reality. Sorry if I sound like your mumma but you can show kindness to others in different ways. (:
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 06:42 am (UTC)(link)
Well, not everyone has a mobile phone, but...it was a Jaguar. A really old Jaguar, and if he's really a Bad Guy and stole the car, well, he might not've had time to steal a phone to call someone to help jump his stolen car. Bahahaha!

I really wasn't even thinking when I rolled down the window. When I was behind him in my car and he didn't turn when the light did, I thought about getting out and knocking on his window and asking whether everything was okay! But yeah, instincts were all against it.

Thanks for the reassurance. I know it was best but I feel bad for him. But you're so right about showing kindness in other ways!
ext_6368: cherry blossoms on a tree -- with my fandom name "EntreNous" on it (txtls: coffee icon)

[identity profile] entrenous88.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 10:56 am (UTC)(link)
You totally did the right thing by continuing on. It's an age of cell phones, and even if you didn't have one or he didn't have one, the probability is extremely high that someone coming along shortly would, and would help with contacting a garage or auto club.

I wonder if part of the stress about giving might have a bit to do with fear of dwindling resources. I do *not* mean selfishness or hoarding, not at all. But that maybe somewhere in you there's a fear that you only have a limited amount of things, that the supply is always endangered -- and this could be for material things, quantifiable things like time, emotional exchanges like feedback or conversations. If that's the case, it makes a certain emotional sense that you would be wary or reluctant to part with what you have.

I'm not sure if that completely misses the mark, but some of the things you mentioned made me think of it.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 04:21 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks. I feel better about it now. I guess because he wasn't there still at the corner this morning!

Huh. I hadn't thought about it like that. I mean, I'm not rich, that's certain, and before paycheck day I feel less inclined to spend anything on others than otherwise. Time is definitely a big part of stuff like giving fb. But I guess, if I am wary for those reasons, I don't *want* to be. Like maybe unconsciously that's why I don't give, but consciously I've decided it's the right thing to do, and I'd rather be guided by what I feel is right than emotional impulses like that. I guess because I do feel it is kind of selfish, even if it does make sense. I know I *won't* run out of money or time, even if I kind of feel that way, so I should be able to overcome the feeling.

Thanks for your insight. It's more to think about in overcoming this problem I have with me!

[identity profile] jgracio.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 12:01 pm (UTC)(link)
You did the right thing.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 04:22 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks. I feel better about it, now.

[identity profile] hannasus.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 12:21 pm (UTC)(link)
OMG, it's like we're the same person! I have all the exact same thoughts and fears and hang ups about everything you just said. And I feel the same way about the guys outside Starbucks.

But you totally did the right thing about the jump. The guy should have known better than to ask a woman driving alone at night.

I did recently give a guy ten bucks at a gas station, but only because I'd stood there watching him and his wife push their car into the station while I pumped my gas and he was very polite about asking and made sure to stand way back out my personal space so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 04:24 pm (UTC)(link)
Ok, I feel so much better that you feel similarly, even if that's selfish ;o)

The thing was, the jump guy was in Katy. Nothing's going to happen in Katy. Famous last words.

Oh, that's nice. And that's someone who you can *see* needs help. A lot of people come out of nowhere and ask for money for gas, and I seriously doubt they have cars. Which is sad, but I'd rather go and use my card at the pump for them than just give them cash.

[identity profile] soundingsea.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 12:50 pm (UTC)(link)
Heh, you totally did the right thing by staying in your car. And next time, remember that nervous feeling and keep your window rolled up! There are a lot of freaky people in this world, and they don't all wish you well.

My boyfriend and I once were leaving a downtown pizza joint, extra slices of pizza in a box, and some disenfranchised gentlemen asked for NOT money, but our pizza! Of course I gave it to them, but even that felt strange.

I *never* give money to people on the street, but I have been known to carry granola bars, and they usually take them. I figure that I work for social justice in ways I feel safe and confident that it helps...
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 04:28 pm (UTC)(link)
Actually, what I wish I'd done is instead of trying to pull out around him, just backed up and turned into the parking lot for the grocery store to cut through it. Sad I wish I'd avoided someone, but would've stressed me less in the end.

Wow, that's weird about the pizza. But it's nicer, imo, to be able to give pizza than money--like the granola bars.

I figure that I work for social justice in ways I feel safe and confident that it helps...

Yeah, it's something I have to remind myself; there are more productive ways to give.

[identity profile] lostakasha.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 01:44 pm (UTC)(link)
Everyone's kinda hopped on similar points here, so...

I get the fear of giving the wrong thing, of having to know *precisely* what someone wants or needs -- and being afraid that something I think they'll love will be to reflective of me, and thus totally selfish. And as a result, many people I care about have gone without little sweet gifts. And when I do ... I worry. Did they like it? Hate it? Is the gift a karmic replay of the ill-fitting cotton bra with the pointy cups that my nana gave me when I was 15 that I saved until years after she died -- and lied about wearing and loving -- because I didn't want to hurt her by telling the truth? That it didn't fit and gave me elf tits? I feel your pain, totally.

Being a shy extrovert is one of the toughest things you can be. Gee, how do I know that, hmmm?

Lately on LJ I just go ahead and say dumb shit, get mad, tell virtual friends I love them. Because someday we'll be gone. And so what if it's stalkery or stupid? I've been online long enough and comfortable enough with my flist that I don't care, I guess. And silence is cool -- do what you must.

I love you like hot cookies and cold milk, and you know that whether you post in my LJ or I post in yours. Easy peasy.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 04:33 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh A you always make me feel all squishy.

That it didn't fit and gave me elf tits?

Yeah, that, exactly!

Lately on LJ I just go ahead and say dumb shit, get mad, tell virtual friends I love them.

I think you did a post about that, and I really loved it. When I first started making buddies on lj I never said I loved anyone of them because I feared I didn't know them well enough, even though I felt great affection. Also tended not to use the word "hugs" much because I'm not a great hugger and I didn't want anyone who met me irl to feel disappointed! But I feel better saying what I want these days, because yeah, I know most my flist, and that's a nice feeling. I like how you say what you think, A.

I love you like really bright, juicey orange segments without too much pith that squirt when you bite on them. Um. It's true!

[identity profile] a2zmom.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 02:20 pm (UTC)(link)
I also am in agreement that you did the right thing by not stopping. I do like the idea about offering to call for help, although since I don't carry a cell it's easy for me to say that.


Here in the burbs I don't really run across homeless people. In Manhattan, there are a lot, of course and sadly you become hardened to it because there are so many. Once in a while, I'll give but I give a lot of money to charities to try to help in a more general way, so that's something (although not enough.) I read once some thoughts that it's not up to me to judge what people do with the money, if I decide to give, so I no longer care about that if I do give money to an individual. Maybe at that point in time, drugs or alcahol are more necessary than food.

Gifts. I worry about gifts also. My husband is so hard to buy for that I rarely get him anything. Me, though, I'm easy. Get me anything and I'm all smiles. And I hope you know that on my lj, all you have to say is hello! and that's enough. Which, related - I am listening to a CD by Mary Lou Lord and I think you'd love it. It's just her and her guitar recorded in the Boston T. I'll try to burn it (my burner's been wonky lately) and send it.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 04:38 pm (UTC)(link)
You should get a cell phone. I will worry about you now.

One of things I liked least about traveling, in Europe where I got to hit up a lot of big cities, is *all* the homeless people. It really distressed me. I gave a lot to street performers, though, who my guess is are less homeless than they'd have us think and some of whom are very talented.

I read once some thoughts that it's not up to me to judge what people do with the money, if I decide to give,

I really agree with that. It's you're own responsibility, if you're giving. Which is why I always think of buying someone food, instead of giving them cash.

Get me anything and I'm all smiles.

Good to know! <3

Awesome, if you can get that cd burned--I'm always looking for good music!--and no big if not!

[identity profile] a2zmom.livejournal.com 2007-04-14 12:37 am (UTC)(link)
I do carry a cell if I'm traveling far away or going into NYC. But on a daily basis, no, I hate them. So far, both times my car has broken down, the police were right there! I've decided that G-d is watching out for me since he knows I hate cell phones.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-16 08:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Hee!

I regard them as a necessary evil.

[identity profile] stefanie-bean.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 02:31 pm (UTC)(link)
You know what, if my college-age daughter even *considered* getting out of her car and helping a guy with a jump like you described, my husband and I would box her ears. You did the totally right thing and have nothing to feel guilty about.

Whether we like it or not, sex differences *do* matter. Men are the ones stuffing women into the trunks of cars, not the other way around (usually.) If I were a man with a dead battery, I wouldn't ask a lone woman for help, anyway, especially if it's a pretty well-travelled street. I might be perfectly nice, but she doesn't know that. Call me a sexist - but I'd ask another man, or just get out of my car and walk to the nearest gas station. (He had no cellphone, either?)

I know, I feel bad too about the "disintegration of society," yadda yadda. But whether you "should" be more friendly or buy more presents or give more feedback - those IMO are separate issues from refusing to give the guy a jump.

Re: panhandlers. I knew a priest (who lived in a rough neighborhood) who used to give out McDonald's gift certificates when the homeless came calling. He got a visit one afternoon from some city policemen, asking him to stop giving them out. The homeless guys were going to the local restaurant, selling the certificates to kids going in after school (at a cut rate), and then using the money to buy booze and/or drugs. The police felt terrible coming to him to tell him this, but that's what was going down on the street.

My husband works in a rough part of town, and he always offers to take the guys who hit on him to the local sub shop or whatever for lunch (actually buy the food for them.) Invariably they refuse. I'm not judging these guys (they have deep and fundamental problems) or condemning them. However, most times your money isn't going for food or bus fare. If it makes you feel better, add up what you *would* give them, and instead give it to a local homeless shelter as a contribution, or volunteer there yourself, if that's something you're comfortable with.

Hope I'm not being Mrs. Buttinsky with this too-long comment here... ; )
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 04:56 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah I talked to my parents about it. My dad said, "I'm glad that guy didn't jump you. Oops, I mean, I'm glad you didn't give that guy a jump."

If I were a man with a dead battery, I wouldn't ask a lone woman for help,

Yeah, in someone like that's defense (if he was not a stuff-women-into-trunks kinda guy), he probably didn't even think of it. I have a male friend who always seems surprised by stuff like that--the things a woman has to think about.

The homeless guys were going to the local restaurant, selling the certificates to kids going in after school (at a cut rate), and then using the money to buy booze and/or drugs.

That's so awful! I had thought about doing McD's certificates before, and never even thought of all the bad ways they could be used.

Invariably they refuse. I'm not judging these guys

Oh, yeah. I think that usually they need a kind of help I'm not really equipped to give them. But I'd like to be able to offer the kind of thing your husband offers.

If it makes you feel better, add up what you *would* give them, and instead give it to a local homeless shelter as a contribution, or volunteer there yourself, if that's something you're comfortable with.

I've thought of that before and think it's a great idea...I should start doing it.

No, I really appreciate what you have to say, and no comment is too long. Except for possibly those ones I do that take three posts because I keep exceeding the word limit. ;o)

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[personal profile] seraphcelene 2007-04-13 04:20 pm (UTC)(link)
You definitely did the right thing. The nicest, most polite people are usually the serial killers. I know. I watched a whole program on Discovery Health once about psychopaths. ;) They talked about Jeffery Dahmer, Ted Bundy and BTK and how “normal” they seemed but then they showed brain scans of murderers and multiple murderers and showed you how Abnormal their brains generally were, of course there were exceptions. They showed clips of trials and they were alternately charming and very detached about murdering people. So, you never can tell. When I see people stranded on the side of the road and it’s really late then I’ll call Highway Patrol and let them know that a car is stranded rather than stop. Unfortunately, you have to be very, very careful regardless of height.

I am so the opposite about giving gifts. I LOVE gifting but really only when it’s unexpected (part of the reason I dislike Valentine’s Day so much is the obligatory trade of the Meaningful Gift). I like seeing things that remind me of people and sending it to them. But I can see how it’s difficult. With new friends I always feel a little tentative at first and it’s always because of the things you went over. I don’t want someone to think I’m coming on to them or that I’m odd (well I am but still) because random giftage! I just like giving gifts. I’m likely to forget or miss sending you something for your birthday or Christmas, but you’re also very likely to get random gifts to celebrate you being you. YAY!!

But the key to enjoying gift giving, I think, is to learn to let to go once it’s done. Yes, you want the person to like the gift, but once it’s in the mail just forget about it. Done, out of your hands. Don’t worry about it.

So, I say Go For It!! Buy the homeless guy a sandwich, if you have the extra cash. Bring your co-worker a coffee. Why not! Plus! People really love random acts of kindness. I also really like the last two suggestions for donating to a shelter on a larger scale.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 05:04 pm (UTC)(link)
The nicest, most polite people are usually the serial killers. I know.

I got this weird vision of you sharing your experience with serial killing, afte rthat.

When I see people stranded on the side of the road and it’s really late then I’ll call Highway Patrol and let them know that a car is stranded rather than stop.

I don't ever stop. Calling highway patrol is a good idea! I just assume there'll be someone more capable than me who comes along, preferrably someone who isn't a woman by herself. But it's different when someone asks you almost face to face!

I LOVE gifting but really only when it’s unexpected

I can tell. I really appreciated your gifty in the mail the other day!

I don’t want someone to think I’m coming on to them or that I’m odd

There's also the not wanting them to feel obliged to reciprocate--that takes all the fun out of it. Another big one I forgot to mention, that's kind of hand-in-hand with someone thinking your coming onto them: so much can be read into a gift. If you give a casual friend or friendly acquaintance something, they might think you think they're better friends than they feel like they are with you, and that could make them uncomfortable, or feel the need to try to feel more for you than they do. And that sucks!

Yes, you want the person to like the gift, but once it’s in the mail just forget about it. Done, out of your hands. Don’t worry about it.

Great advice! I have anxiety problems.

Why not!

I agree! I don't really see any reason not to. Which is why I'm troubled with myself when I don't!

seraphcelene: (Default)

[personal profile] seraphcelene 2007-04-13 08:48 pm (UTC)(link)
I got this weird vision of you sharing your experience with serial killing, afte rthat.

AHA!! I figured as much!!! I was thinking about how much I learn from watching The History Channel, and Biography, A&E, Discovery and all those channels, and how it becomes this *thing* that I know is true even though I've maybe heard it one time on one program. So, yeah, my tongue was planted very firmly in my cheek.

I just assume there'll be someone more capable than me who comes along,

Yeah, I as I dial, I always think that someone has probably already called Highway Patrol, too. I do it anyway just to be on the safe side. Never hurts. Having someone ask you for a jump is probably much odder than just swooping past an accident. It's harder to tell someone no to their face, looking them in the eye. And the general theory seems to be that women have a much more difficult time saying no than men.

There's also the not wanting them to feel obliged to reciprocate

OH, that's so true. Yeah, that definitly takes the fun out of giving a gift. Plus, it's not even a gift anymore when you do that. It's a trade. I never understood our department secret santa exchange. This past year we all bought $20 gift cards to various pre-selected locations and then did a white elephant exchange. I didn't want to spoil everyone else's fun by saying anything, but the whole time I was just thinking, I just bought myself a $20.00 gift. I mean, everyone ended up with $20.00. gift cards, so what exactly was the point!!

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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-16 07:06 pm (UTC)(link)
So, yeah, my tongue was planted very firmly in my cheek.

Figured.

Yeah, I as I dial, I always think that someone has probably already called Highway Patrol, too. I do it anyway just to be on the safe side. Never hurts.

I think that's great. I think that the whole reason there aren't more heroes and extraordinary people in the world doing extraordinary things is we get bogged down in the "someone else will do it/has done it better". About anything and everything.

I definitely have a hard time saying no to some things, it has to do with my trying too hard to be nice issues, and I wish I wasn't like that.

I mean, everyone ended up with $20.00. gift cards, so what exactly was the point!!

Yeah, that's really lame. I would hate something like that...then again I wouldn't have to stress about what to get people! I'm...a little lame myself. :o)

[identity profile] chrisleeoctaves.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 06:45 pm (UTC)(link)
Um...it only takes 2 seconds to be, like, restrained and hit over the head or pushed into a back seat or whatever. You did the right thing. (And I mean, really, who in this day and age doesn't have a cell phone? He could have called for help!)

As for the money thing- it's hard not to be cynical about people who beg on the street. We once took coffee and donuts to a homeless person when we lived in England and it felt great...but I don't always help out when I should, either. You can only do what you can do- sweetie- and don't beat yourself up.

You are a GREAT person.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-16 06:02 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks so much, Christie. I think you're a great person yourself so you saying that makes me feel better.

[identity profile] semby.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 10:34 pm (UTC)(link)
I agree that you did the right thing in not stopping for the guy when you were alone at night. Your safety comes first, and surely someone would come along soon enough with a penis and a kind heart.

As for the giving money thing, I feel the same way you do most of the time. I always *want* to, but I never do. And sometimes it's as stupid as "I don't want to bother to take out my change purse from the bottom of my handbag" and sometimes I just... don't. But the thing is, I feel like I *do* get asked a lot, and if I gave every time, it would be too much, and for me to pick and choose which needy person is needier... seems unfair. Also, one time when I was living in London I was stopped by this woman who I thought was going to ask for directions but then she had some whole sob story about how she'd just left her abusive husband and had a kid and she had a paycheck coming at 3 pm but had to give money to the bank by 1 pm or else she wouldn't get an insurance payment or alimony or something... I don't even remember the story, but I remember that I didn't fully believe it but she was so insistant and so hard to say no to and she wanted 50 pounds, and I had 30 but lied and said I only had 20, and then I felt like I had to give that to her anyway and she said she'd meet up and pay me back later and 20 pounds felt like a LOT when I was a college student getting by in that expensive city, especially if I was being scammed. Which I was, because she didn't meet me later, but then I didn't wait around very long because I was so sure I was being scammed. But, yeah, anyway, long story short: bad experiences with giving people money, so I act unfairly to those who probably really do need it. I'm a bad person in a way, but I think most people are, and if we were giving to *everyone* who needed it, we'd be broke, and taken advantage of a lot.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-16 06:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Dude! That London story is crazy. 20 pounds is a whole lot! That's almost $40. Something like that, if I was to give, I'd say, ok lemme go to the bank *with* you. But then, who has the time?

I took a roomie to the doctor once, and then when it came time to pay the bill she said she didn't have insurance or any money, so I was like sure! You're my roomie! So I shelled out $100 thinking *of course* I'll get it back. Eventually I did but it took a year and a half...on the day she moved out. It's a different situation, but still, as a student loaning money to people is *really* difficult. But a few bucks for food now and then is alright with my pocketbook, I just don't do it as much as I'd like.

if we were giving to *everyone* who needed it, we'd be broke, and taken advantage of a lot.

Yeah, I agree. But every once in a while it'd be nice to feel more able to commit random acts of kindness.

[identity profile] alleynyc.livejournal.com 2007-04-13 10:48 pm (UTC)(link)
I wouldn't have done it. No way. No matter how nice, whatever. He can wait for a guy or you can phone the police for him. Other than that....

Stay safe.
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[identity profile] tkp.livejournal.com 2007-04-16 06:09 pm (UTC)(link)
Hey, thank you. I still feel a little bad, but in the end I'm glad I stayed safe, as you say.

[identity profile] zibbycomix.livejournal.com 2008-09-13 01:20 am (UTC)(link)
I've been told so many times not to give to people asking for money, but I still feel bad about passing them by.
Actually, I worked at a soup kitchen for a year (I was in a volunteer program), and even the people who worked there felt that it would be better to give a homeless person food than money. It is true that some people will buy drugs and alcohol with the money that is given them, but not everyone will. It's just impossible to tell what people will do with the money, so it's easier to not give at all (or so people say).
I guess one solution is to give to organizations that help the homeless, like soup kitchens or shelters. At least these organizations give homeless people the things that they really need.
Still, even after I think about all of this, it's hard not to give a homeless person money. When I worked at the soup kitchen, I never even carried money on me so that I wouldn't be able to give money away. Actually, I didn't have to worry, because no one ever asked me for money.
And if it makes you feel better, I wouldn't have given the guy a jump either. Of course, I wouldn't have known how to do it anyway, but that's beside the point. I think that you made the right decision in regards to your safety. Not that me saying that makes the decision any easier.