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(no subject)
I hate everything. I'm upset by everything. I'm a terrible friend and an awful supervisor and a miserable everything. Everything is horrible and everything hurts. This'll be over in approximately twelve hours, guys. Hold onto your butts.*
Except writing. I still like that. And I like comments on my writing. I like the good ones, but I also like finding the bad ones. I've rarely if ever received negative comments directly to a fic I've written, and if I do usually that person says something nice, too. These aren't bad, but then there are the hidden bad ones. The hidden ones that possibly no one expects you to see because they don't know how you hunger and ache for the bad ones.
I should qualify that in my experience the hidden bad ones aren't really so bad either. Generally the bad ones are sort of nice! Because usually if someone bookmarks your fic, it's because they like it, no matter how blunt they're self-written description of your fic is. And I've had fics mentioned on anon memes, but usually if it gets mentioned and people are discussing it you at least know people are reading your fic and think it's worth talking about, which is flattering.
I've been thinking about crit lately and I never ask for it anymore. Back when I used to ask I was disappointed when I didn't get crit, and when I did get it, it was either a) stuff I knew already, or b) stuff I wasn't inclined to fix. For instance, (a), I know that the ending of The Boy Who Only Lived Twice is rushed, tells and doesn't show, leaves plot holes, and throws off the pacing of the whole story. Do not need other people to tell me. Or regarding (b), I know that you don't like that The Pure And Simple Truth doesn't end with Harry/Draco romance resolution. I know it's disappointing to you, but I'm not interested in another ending. So I've just stopped asking.
But then when I see comments that say, "Gee, the end to The Boy Who Only Lived Twice was really rushed," or "Gee, I wish The Pure and Simple Truth had making-out at the end"--I don't know why, but I get really happy! I pump my fist! Yes, I was right! Yes, the end of "He Who Must Not Be Normal" makes no sense, and it's because I messed up! Yes, the end of "The Kids Weren't Alright" is unsatisfying, and I did it on purpose! Yes, "Let's Stop The Time Warp" is clunky and boring in places and it's because I got tired of it--sing it! Yes, "The Chuck Writes Story" is disgustingly meta; it was meant to be revoltingly meta! Yes! Yes!
When I see things like this I get really satisfied. I thought "The Hollow Men" was going to be wanky, and then it wasn't. But when I finally found it being discussed on an anon meme, I was glad that some people had a problem with it, because it is difficult subject matter, and while I tried really, really, really hard, when I finished it I still thought aspects of it were problematic. Seeing others say so made me trust my judgment better. They hadn't understood what I was trying to do, but that was part of the problem with the fic. It could have been better.
So, I like that reinforcement, but for some reason I don't like it as much when someone says it to me directly. Why? Idk. My guess is that when someone says it directly to me I feel the need to explain, and then I'm explaining my failures over and over again. But when I see people noting things for themselves or talking to other people, I know I can walk on by, while still getting information that I want. The problem is you can't really solicit that kind of thing. You can only hope you can find it.
*Jurassic Park isn't horrible.
Except writing. I still like that. And I like comments on my writing. I like the good ones, but I also like finding the bad ones. I've rarely if ever received negative comments directly to a fic I've written, and if I do usually that person says something nice, too. These aren't bad, but then there are the hidden bad ones. The hidden ones that possibly no one expects you to see because they don't know how you hunger and ache for the bad ones.
I should qualify that in my experience the hidden bad ones aren't really so bad either. Generally the bad ones are sort of nice! Because usually if someone bookmarks your fic, it's because they like it, no matter how blunt they're self-written description of your fic is. And I've had fics mentioned on anon memes, but usually if it gets mentioned and people are discussing it you at least know people are reading your fic and think it's worth talking about, which is flattering.
I've been thinking about crit lately and I never ask for it anymore. Back when I used to ask I was disappointed when I didn't get crit, and when I did get it, it was either a) stuff I knew already, or b) stuff I wasn't inclined to fix. For instance, (a), I know that the ending of The Boy Who Only Lived Twice is rushed, tells and doesn't show, leaves plot holes, and throws off the pacing of the whole story. Do not need other people to tell me. Or regarding (b), I know that you don't like that The Pure And Simple Truth doesn't end with Harry/Draco romance resolution. I know it's disappointing to you, but I'm not interested in another ending. So I've just stopped asking.
But then when I see comments that say, "Gee, the end to The Boy Who Only Lived Twice was really rushed," or "Gee, I wish The Pure and Simple Truth had making-out at the end"--I don't know why, but I get really happy! I pump my fist! Yes, I was right! Yes, the end of "He Who Must Not Be Normal" makes no sense, and it's because I messed up! Yes, the end of "The Kids Weren't Alright" is unsatisfying, and I did it on purpose! Yes, "Let's Stop The Time Warp" is clunky and boring in places and it's because I got tired of it--sing it! Yes, "The Chuck Writes Story" is disgustingly meta; it was meant to be revoltingly meta! Yes! Yes!
When I see things like this I get really satisfied. I thought "The Hollow Men" was going to be wanky, and then it wasn't. But when I finally found it being discussed on an anon meme, I was glad that some people had a problem with it, because it is difficult subject matter, and while I tried really, really, really hard, when I finished it I still thought aspects of it were problematic. Seeing others say so made me trust my judgment better. They hadn't understood what I was trying to do, but that was part of the problem with the fic. It could have been better.
So, I like that reinforcement, but for some reason I don't like it as much when someone says it to me directly. Why? Idk. My guess is that when someone says it directly to me I feel the need to explain, and then I'm explaining my failures over and over again. But when I see people noting things for themselves or talking to other people, I know I can walk on by, while still getting information that I want. The problem is you can't really solicit that kind of thing. You can only hope you can find it.
*Jurassic Park isn't horrible.
no subject
Which means that I tend to be wary, when bookmarking, of saying less-than-complimentary things of other people's fic! (In fact I distinctly recall the one time I said something less than positive about one of your fics in a bookmark I felt really uncomfortable about it. :P I guess that I can stop feeling weird about that one at least!)
(also: good luck getting though the next twelve hours, whatever it is that's going on!)
no subject
Well, I've already been hard on myself so I don't really want it in my face. When I go out looking for it, I want it to be there. I especially want to be validated about being hard on myself, because then I know I'm on the right track.
Which means that I tend to be wary, when bookmarking, of saying less-than-complimentary things of other people's fic!
This is nice. And like I said, mostly when people are bookmarking they're really nice, even if there's criticism there too--after all, they're bookmarking my fic! It's probably because they liked it!
the one time I said something less than positive about one of your fics in a bookmark I felt really uncomfortable about it. :P I guess that I can stop feeling weird about that one at least!
Don't feel bad about it! If I found it I probably went, "Thank God someone agreed with me about how I really felt about my own fic!"
Thanks ;o)