lettered | (no subject)

I hate everything. I'm upset by everything. I'm a terrible friend and an awful supervisor and a miserable everything. Everything is horrible and everything hurts. This'll be over in approximately twelve hours, guys. Hold onto your butts.*

Except writing. I still like that. And I like comments on my writing. I like the good ones, but I also like finding the bad ones. I've rarely if ever received negative comments directly to a fic I've written, and if I do usually that person says something nice, too. These aren't bad, but then there are the hidden bad ones. The hidden ones that possibly no one expects you to see because they don't know how you hunger and ache for the bad ones.

I should qualify that in my experience the hidden bad ones aren't really so bad either. Generally the bad ones are sort of nice! Because usually if someone bookmarks your fic, it's because they like it, no matter how blunt they're self-written description of your fic is. And I've had fics mentioned on anon memes, but usually if it gets mentioned and people are discussing it you at least know people are reading your fic and think it's worth talking about, which is flattering.

I've been thinking about crit lately and I never ask for it anymore. Back when I used to ask I was disappointed when I didn't get crit, and when I did get it, it was either a) stuff I knew already, or b) stuff I wasn't inclined to fix. For instance, (a), I know that the ending of The Boy Who Only Lived Twice is rushed, tells and doesn't show, leaves plot holes, and throws off the pacing of the whole story. Do not need other people to tell me. Or regarding (b), I know that you don't like that The Pure And Simple Truth doesn't end with Harry/Draco romance resolution. I know it's disappointing to you, but I'm not interested in another ending. So I've just stopped asking.

But then when I see comments that say, "Gee, the end to The Boy Who Only Lived Twice was really rushed," or "Gee, I wish The Pure and Simple Truth had making-out at the end"--I don't know why, but I get really happy! I pump my fist! Yes, I was right! Yes, the end of "He Who Must Not Be Normal" makes no sense, and it's because I messed up! Yes, the end of "The Kids Weren't Alright" is unsatisfying, and I did it on purpose! Yes, "Let's Stop The Time Warp" is clunky and boring in places and it's because I got tired of it--sing it! Yes, "The Chuck Writes Story" is disgustingly meta; it was meant to be revoltingly meta! Yes! Yes!

When I see things like this I get really satisfied. I thought "The Hollow Men" was going to be wanky, and then it wasn't. But when I finally found it being discussed on an anon meme, I was glad that some people had a problem with it, because it is difficult subject matter, and while I tried really, really, really hard, when I finished it I still thought aspects of it were problematic. Seeing others say so made me trust my judgment better. They hadn't understood what I was trying to do, but that was part of the problem with the fic. It could have been better.

So, I like that reinforcement, but for some reason I don't like it as much when someone says it to me directly. Why? Idk. My guess is that when someone says it directly to me I feel the need to explain, and then I'm explaining my failures over and over again. But when I see people noting things for themselves or talking to other people, I know I can walk on by, while still getting information that I want. The problem is you can't really solicit that kind of thing. You can only hope you can find it.

*Jurassic Park isn't horrible.

Threaded | Flat

I'm sorry you're feeling bad about things :(.

Your thoughts about constructive criticism are interesting, though! I usually do tend to think I can anticipate what's wrong with my writing so I'm not particularly anxious to see those assessments echoed OR to hear things I didn't realize were a problem. But it's probably useful in the long run.

This is fascinating to me because it is so alien to my own perspective on criticism of my writing. I tend to be a big bundle of anxiety about the quality of what I write so generally speaking I'm much happier not knowing if someone didn't like some aspect of it because I've already been excessively harsh on myself and I don't need more negativity.

Which means that I tend to be wary, when bookmarking, of saying less-than-complimentary things of other people's fic! (In fact I distinctly recall the one time I said something less than positive about one of your fics in a bookmark I felt really uncomfortable about it. :P I guess that I can stop feeling weird about that one at least!)

(also: good luck getting though the next twelve hours, whatever it is that's going on!)

Hmm, interesting! I don't do anon memes and I don't publicly bookmark fic, but I do review books on a personal non-DW site and from the beginning, I knew that authors could be reading it (I still remember the day in 1997 I got email from Mary Doria Russell about an essay I'd written about _The Sparrow_ . . . ). So I try to avoid being cruel and unwarrantedly personal, but I always remember that I'm writing for other readers and not the author.

That drive-by sentence in last paragraph is the most interesting to me, b/c it seems like you EMBRACE feedback about your story (and wish there were more unique viewpoints) but don't like (b/c boring? frustrating?) having to interact with the feedback. It's like you don't have the "Yes, but..." reflex people have to defend your work when someone pokes holes in it, and that's really cool. I bet, if you were pro writer, you'd never get in trouble by invading a fan forum or exploding all over twitter.

On one hand, my feelings about receiving actual crit are the same as likeadeuce's feelings - it's a million times more useful coming from people I know, whose taste and judgment I trust.

OTOH, I am always enormously tickled to see people discussing fic of mine in a context where they wouldn't expect me to see it (which is mostly anon memes). I just don't tend to think of it as crit. Rather, it's reader response, which occupies a whole different category in my brain. The readers might have wanted more sex, and I might be totally comfortable in my choice not to give it to them, but I'm also interested to hear that they had that response. I guess I just find it really flattering and validating that people talk about my fic among themselves, regardless of what they might be saying about it.

Also, I am sorry everything is terrible. *hugs*

I'm a lot like you with criticism. The word that jumped to mind as I read your post was, "Validation!" When people talk to me about criticism they have (which happens more with clinical work, ie. me providing psychotherapy, these days than writing) I want to geek out about my failures as much as my successes. "Yeah! I totally failed to follow through there. I was kind of thrown because of a personal issue, and I was getting a leg cramp I should have addressed but I wanted to look like I was listening, so I totally missed a chance to jump in there with an observation."

Given that my only alternative for dealing with criticism is to sit there stonily and cry, I am really glad I developed the ability to do that.

Also, I am definitely sorry everything is awful. If you were here I'd throw you a pity party and serve up something you really like eating.

Hugs. I also like validation that something is wrong with one of my creative works, the worst is that I know something is wrong, can't pinpoint what it is and I can't get anyone to give me critical feedback.

The good all the time is like an illusion. You know it's not all the bomb, I know it's not all the bomb why don't we just say it. And then the positive doesn't feel as genuine or authentic somehow as the negative. The negative does validate what you know is wrong and then you can maybe fix it at another point because now it's been addressed and externalized in some way. Of course that could just be me and I'm really tired right now and therefore incoherent.

Concrit is hard for a lot of people to give, especially when it's not all roses because it requires an uncomfortable examination of a text that you don't like. There's an engagement that is harder to achieve and therefore the things that don't work, I think, are harder to articulate. Of course, if you love the manuscript then relaying the information can get all personal and everyone gets nervous about hurt feelings.

Whatevs!

Ok. Quitting while I am a little bit ahead because at this point my eyes are totally crossing, wtf!

I DON'T MAKE SENSE!

Edited 2014-01-31 06:10 (UTC)

While I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say I like hearing criticisms of my work indirectly, it is a whole different beast than people leaving concrit for me directly. The former is someone engaging with my work enough to care, the latter is people "helpfully" telling me things like I didn't already know them. Maybe I'm excessively sensitive to condescencion, but there it is.