70 Questions for Lindsey McDonald

[lettered]

Because:

1) there are a billion other things I have to do right now.
2) Lindsey is one of my favorite characters, but I have few fic ideas for him. I want to work on his voice. Also, I should write more first person because I hate it like marmite on cockroaches.
3) I think nemo_gravis is awesome for keeping this organized, and mara_sho for making a web site. Thanks!
4) I fully expect my new music guru a2zmom to tell me music Lindsey would like. But not KANE because that's kinda lame.


To: chicklitz@yoyodyne.com
From: macdonald@weyland_yutani.com
Subject: Re: Psych Evaluation

1. DO YOU SNORE?
There are a lot who’d like to be in a position to find out.

2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
I’m a lawyer.

3. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Check room 101 at Wolfram and Hart. Orwell didn’t just make that shit up.

4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
Before or after the IRS took our house away? Before or after my sister died because we couldn’t pay for her prescription? Oh yeah. It was all legos and game boys and Barbie dreamhouses with us.

5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV?
I have better things to think about.

6. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
No.

7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
Sure. My mom was drinking like a fish through all six pregnancies and dad was smoking like a chimney. Premature and malnourished and cute as a button, Ma used to say. Any more questions about my childhood? I have enough cliches about being poor as dirt to fill your goddam hard drive, so yeah, let’s.

8. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
For now.

9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Black.

10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
Yeah. But often enough there’s someone in there with me, and then I have other things to do with my mouth.

11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
Never got the chance.

12. ANY SECRET TALENTS?
If you want to fuck around inside my head and find out, come try it.

13. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Home. In an alternate dimension, where my sister is alive. It was one of Wolfram and Hart’s carrots.

14. IS JAY LENO FUNNY?
He’s not supposed to be. Lilah says the entertainment division keeps him on the air for other reasons. And how the fuck she got that intel before me I’ve yet to figure out.

15. CAN YOU SWIM?
Yes.

16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?
Yeah. Are the transdimensional analysts are still using it for educational screenings?

17. DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
Its destruction wasn’t my department. So no.

18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP?
Depends on the toots I’m licking, how long we’ve been rolling around, and whether she’s been popped. Try having your goons psychicking that answer, huh?

19. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
I can sing anything.

20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
No. Drove the truck over to L.A., and Holland shunted me straight into the courtroom, which means I missed out on all the footwork—grunt stuff: flying to Timbuktu and back. Which drove Lilah fucking nuts; I got in three weeks what she got in three years. Of course, never did get those paid vacations and private jet flights home they promised me, either.

21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?
I don’t know any more. Wolfram and Hart had something to do with my brother, I’m pretty sure of that now. I got the family moved, told them not to tell me where they were going. And now? Not even sure I care any more.

22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
I have this evil hand. It prefers knives.

23. WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
Some people still do it to eat. And some people still do it to get rid of star witnesses for the prosecution. Hey, gotta do what you gotta do. And if we’re talking guns, I’m told Charlton Heston was always a very generous client. Very personable.

24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
I’ll think about that when Angel is in an urn on my mantle.

25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Did I mention the hand? I just don’t understand why the DIE DIE DIE, KILL KILL KILL doesn’t slant further to the right. If they were going to give me an evil hand, they could’ve given me nice penmanship. Or even, I don’t know, a mime hand. Now mimes, they’re pathologically insane. Instead, I get just plain old evil. I might . . . I don’t know, type a crazy number of exclamation points and spontaneously press caps lock. Or force feed myself a Payday because I’m allergic to peanuts. Or murder a baby while it’s mother is singing to it. But jazz hands, no. It’s like they didn’t appreciate me at all.

26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Didn’t my evil hand just cover that?

27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"?
Gal named Eve. She just eats it up.

28. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?
If I read the file right, Elvis was never technically alive to begin with.

29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
No.

30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
With bacon.

31. ARE BLONDES DUMB?
The most Machiavellian woman I ever knew was blonde. She could wrap a man around her baby finger twice without him even knowing it. Not that it takes much to wind up Mister Symbol of Right, but no, not stupid. She also gave head better than any pro I’ve ever had. Thought you knew everything about us, did you?

And Eve—she blonde? Well. Eve’s a piece of work, isn’t she. Bet she could tie him in knots, too. Blondes are his thing; it’s in his file. And dumb. That should be in his file, too.

32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
That wasn’t my department, either.

33. WHAT TIME IS IT?
N/A. I’m not reworking this if some bureaucratic asshole decides to sit on it for a day, just so he can send it back for reentry because the time and date are wrong. Little trick Lee liked to pull, back when he was above me. And alive. And getting blow-jobs from Gavin the yes-man in the mailroom.

34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
Thinking of going by Doyle. Because Angel likes it up the ass.

35. IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?
Big Mac and fries used to be like a feast for us. So yeah, tastes like shit on a stick, but the Senior Partners seem to think the franchise requisite to preventing world peace.

36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?
A year or so ago. Company limo with highly paid hookers. My truck isn’t a car.

37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Depends on who I’m with and what she wants.

38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
He’s on the Senior Partners Ten Most Wanted. After the Slayer but before the Dali Lama.

39. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
Biting is better.

40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
See above. Never was afraid of anything much.

41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Power and those little sour candies that come two in a pack.

42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Neither.

43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
Sure. Bet I can also break my neck. One-handed. Guess which hand.

44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Yes.

45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
Twice.

46. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
Wolfram and Hart was a strictly clean office. The did urine tests. Seemed off, considering, but it’s somehow connected with the Senior Partners being against the push to legalize marijuana. Could never figure how that fit in with their stance against world peace. They’re also officially opposed to Calvin and Hobbes, free internet porn, and Canada. It all makes more sense when I’m high.

47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
No.

48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Blue, green, something in between. My mom used to sing me that. Aquamarine. She didn’t really know. Or give a fuck.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
I bought the urn. For Angel. I’ll like my life then.

51. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS?
I’ve got all kinds of good ones, now.

52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
Smarter than a bag of hammers, aren’t you.

53. HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
I read all the classics. Made straight A’s. All that David Copperfield kind of crap. If you really want to know about it, I liked Salinger. I could get where he was coming from. I also liked Moby Dick. I could relate to characters in that book, too.

54. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
Guitar. When my hand isn’t plastic or trying to kill me.

55. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
Don’t you know that Wolfram and Hart raises funds through charity balls, community fundraisers, and selling cookies? Actually, last I heard, Senior Partners were entering negotiations with high ups in Girl Scouts, so that might not’ve been completely sarcastic.

56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
No. I’ve only seen snow a couple times. Once was that Christmas in L.A. That was different. Lilah was different that night, too.

57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Sometimes. My Dad used to take us out, one at a time. We didn’t have a tent or anything like that, but we’d sit and look up at the stars, and it was . . . He used to say there were angels up there. What a load of fucking bull.

58. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
No.

59. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
Actually, last time I went to the labs, one of the techs tried to convince me that magic is just another way of explaining physics on a sub-atomic level with—I don’t know. My hand started twitching and then he shut up and gave me what I wanted.

60. ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Yes.

61. YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
No.

62. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
No. Turns out Michael Jackson can’t, either. He has evil legs. And he’s getting an evil face piece by piece.

63. DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?
Not many. Biggest mistake I seem to’ve made is being born to attract people who fuck things up for me.

64. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
Freezing at forty-eight degrees.

65. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Lemon pie.

66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
It was a phase. Hands don’t need black nail polish to do evil things. Found that out in college, when both were still mine.

67. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?
I do the kissing.

68. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
John Stamos. I miss the mullet.

69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
Not really.

70. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?
I’ve got a better sound than anyone out there.


ETA: I'm an idiot who can't even spell the name of the character. Don't mind me. *whistles*