lettered | FIC: Walk Like Men

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FIC: Walk Like Men

Title: Walk Like Men
Length: about 1,500 words
Rating: G-man!
Disclaimer: not mine, use of WTTH and "Angel" and Twelfth Night
Summary: Buffy and Connor.
A/N: Guess I got a bee up my butt with that post about ideas and not being able to write short fics, or something. I've had this forever. It stands alone, but I have so many ideas for what happens afterwards that I was going to write a novella. But this is so stand aloneish that I guess if I do those ideas, they'll be more like sequels than subsequent chapters. I guess I just want to share, all the sudden. I don't know.

In this alley there’s three vamps, a shadow figure facing off the three vamps, a hairline fracture in a light bulb responsible for the shadows, an oil-stained door in the wall below the bulb, a metal pipe spanning between the concrete walls, and Buffy swinging down from the pipe, launching into the shadow figure and the three vamps.

Buffy's expecting the shadow figure might need a hand, or two, and possibly a foot. But the shadow figure, after a feint that goes too wide, disposes of two of the vampires very quickly, and Buffy only stakes one. After that there is nothing for Buffy to do but get knocked down by the shadow figure, because again to her surprise, it moves very fast, like the flip of a book back to the beginning, only faster.

"Why're you following me?"

Buffy twists. "So not a vamp, here. See, don't bite?" The boy--he is a boy--stands up, and Buffy looks him down, frowning. "You're really strong. I thought you were a Slayer. Shouldn't you be taller or more muscley and all that?"

"Can I help you?"

"Depends. You're the Destroyer, aren't you?"

He tilts his head, looking her over curiously. "Sometimes I hunt. Like you."

Buffy crosses her arms over her chest. The shadows make her look older; the lines by her eyes are every alley in which she’s ever fought. "I kill."

"But you won't kill me."

"Not sure that's an option. You could be a demon from some kind of hell dimension. Or one that spits slime. I'm not turning my back on you. I get so tired of slime, you know? Have to be ready. "

He smiles, fresh-faced. Looking around, he finds his stake and shoves it in a deep pocket of his baggy pants--all the thing now. When you're young you can always just shove things down. "I'm ready," he explains. "Club soda."

"Huh?"

"Club soda. Great for slime stains. I'm Connor. Want to come get coffee with me?"

"For lack of a better huh?, I'm going with a what-is-this? Coffee and kill break? What, you kill a vamp and we're friends now?"

"No. Don’t want a friend. Just coffee. Come on." He takes her hand and she finds herself following.

"Hey. I didn't say I was--"

There was something going on in California (again), and Buffy'd heard from a skeevy kumquat-or-something demon, who ran a LaserQuest, that there was a Destroyer, a name which didn’t exactly sound like the San Francisco treat. So Buffy’d asked the kumquat where the Destroyer was, holding her breath, fearing an answer that rhymed with Hell-A (again), but instead the skeevy guy said, Stanford. Which meant the Destroyer was brainy, or possibly ate brains; either way it looked like Buffy was going back to college.

But walking beside the Destroyer now, Buffy thinks he does not look as if he will eat her brains. In fact, shadowyfigureConnorboy does not even look as though he wants to try to eat her brains, if only for just a nibble. He actually seems very intent on eating the shortbread cookies that he's told her he likes to dip in his coffee, down at Happy Donuts, which is where they are walking.

She doesn't know whether he's brainy either, but he knows things that make her wonder how he knows them. For instance, he's just said, You're a Slayer, right? What's your name? And she's answered, Buffy. Then she wonders, How did you know? He explains, You're very . . . agile? I like that. Buffy wonders now if that's a come on, but she doesn't wonder that part aloud. As previously mentioned he seems very intent on the coffee, and she didn't say she was coming, but for some reason she is. "What are you?" she wonders, aloud again, because this part she's not getting over.

Connor hitches a shoulder. "I'm just a guy."

"You're not just a guy. Guys don't stake vampires. It's a girl thing."

He shoves a hand in his pocket, the pocket with the stake. "Those vamps, Sebastian and Cesario, have been terrorizing the other students, what with the killing and cross-dressing." He looks down at her. "There's been a lot of gender confusion. See how my first punch was a little wide?"

"How? You shouldn't have even gotten a chance to land one. I've had a lot of super-powered help before. I've never had it be from just some random Joe Schmoe. What are you? Another government experiment?"

Connor looks away. "It was fun though. I like how you tapped in that stake. Like pitching a tent." He's breathing harder. Buffy thinks he sounds angry, or maybe hurt? It's hard to tell. His face is cinched tight, like a draw-string bag with scorpions inside. "I like the sounds they make when they die."

"And now we're going for coffee," Buffy prods. "Blasé, much?"

"Why not? I’ve done it before. Staked vampires, tortured 'em, drowned 'em. Let's not forget destroying gods." His voice stings. Buffy decides he is both, hurt and angry, but trying hard for that blasé. "I used to pretty much make things ugly for everyone I met, and it was justified, in my heart.”

Buffy stiffens up. "But not any more?" she guesses.

"I killed . . . someone. Evil, I guess. Beautiful to me, though. So Angel killed me."

Buffy stops. They are near Happy Donuts; she can hear coffee bar sounds, clatter of voices, cups, static of milk steamers. When she says it, it's like she always says it, a little high, a little disbelieving, a little question that life is really doing this to her. "Angel?"

"Sure. My father. Vampire. He came up with the perfect . . . cure for me. He gave me a new life."

"What, he couldn't just put you in time-out and take away your toys?" Buffy has Connor up against the brick wall, her forearm across his neck. Her voice is grainy, grinding between the cords of her throat, which are standing out, taut and angry, like the way sand stands in ridges, when the wind is very hard, and the land is very dry. The Destroyer looks down at her, still eyes a reflection of the sky. Buffy has not cried over Angel in years. She does not plan on beginning now.

"When Angel got the spell done, everyone got new memories," Connor says patiently. "I don't know if you ever knew about me, but Willow did. She wouldn't now. I'm not even his son any more. That's all gone. You might find it hard because you and Angel had some sort of--thing. But I'd think you'd have an idea what it's like, trying to live two lives. For Angel, for me." He looked down at her forearm, his breath puffing into the hairs there. "I've never told anyone about it before today."

"So you decided to start with me?" Buffy says skeptically, pressing her arm in harder. She can feel his Adam's apple.

"'Cause I thought you’d get it. You should let go now."

"You're not going anywhere until I get--"

"I'm not going anywhere, Buffy. Now let the fuck go."

Despite the words there's no scorpions in that voice, nothing small or fierce or ugly. There's just something like reprieve, like the laying down of a weapon, the exposure of some vulnerable part. Buffy feels like rain, but she holds it in, making her voice grip tight. "Why should I?"

"I have this whole . . . past, things I've done, demon parents, but it’s not who I am. I’m a man. I don't want to kill you, tonight, ever. I just want to have coffee with you."

Buffy lets go. He opens the door for her to the coffee shop and looks proud that he's remembered the courtesy. He tells her she should get the caramel macchiato and orders the shortbread cookies for her. They talk and Buffy asks and Connor tells, but sometimes it's the other way around. At the end of the evening, when Buffy has said Angel's name too many times to keep a tear from slipping, Connor suggests, go ahead. Go ahead and hate me. And she looks at him, and asks, Is it really this easy? She doesn't mean hating him. Maybe she means forgiveness, or maybe she means wanting to have coffee with a boy when neither of them wants to kill the other. It's hard to tell, but Connor says, Yes. It really is.

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I loved this. I always wondered what would have happened if Buffy had encountered Connor, and I like her here, bewildered, but not really that surprised, not really.

When she says it, it's like she always says it, a little high, a little disbelieving, a little question that life is really doing this to her. "Angel?"

Oh, yes.

At the end of the evening, when Buffy has said Angel's name too many times to keep a tear from slipping, Connor suggests, go ahead. Go ahead and hate me. And she looks at him, and asks, Is it really this easy? She doesn't mean hating him. Maybe she means forgiveness, or maybe she means wanting to have coffee with a boy when neither of them wants to kill the other. It's hard to tell, but Connor says, Yes. It really is.

I like how Connor's the one with insight here, the one who has actually come to terms. I would like to see what you do with any sequels.

I like how Connor's the one with insight here, the one who has actually come to terms.

Well, in some ways, what Angel gave him makes him more of an innocent.

Thanks, I'm so glad you liked this!

I got really into that. Sequels would induce much joy.

The contrasts between Buffy and Connor in age and experience and what they've learned and seen over the years really come through. I can totally see Connor being the one to pull it together emotionally. They deal with things very differently - Buffy's not the introspective sort, while I can imagine Connor getting lost in his head a lot. Man, there really should be more stories with the two of them interacting.

he finds his stake and shoves it in a deep pocket of his baggy pants--all the thing now. When you're young you can always just shove things down.

That's wonderful. I love how you just casually throw things like that in there.

Man, there really should be more stories with the two of them interacting.

I agree! I'm so glad you like this, thanks.

Oh, that was excellent! I love how they play off each other - him so matter of fact and chill about everything, and her so... not. And the parallels you emphasize between him and Angel are very cool. And going for coffee after the kill, even though Buffy never agreed too... Your Buffy voice is awesome here. I love this line:

"You're not just a guy. Guys don't stake vampires. It's a girl thing."

And the parallels you emphasize between him and Angel are very cool.

Glad you saw that and that it worked for you.

And yay, Buffy voice is so very specific; I'm always pleased when someone likes mine.

OhmygodIloveyouricon.

Thanks so much!

I liked Connor being evasive about what he is - bristling and angry. Oh, Connor. Still with hidden rage. Mmmm.

Yeah. Just like Angel was with Buffy at first. 'Cept for Connor, instead of the gypsy-curse it was the Angel-blessing.

Glad that aspect of the characterization worked for you! You know how much I love your Connor-thoughts.

I'm surprised no one's mentioned the obvious flip of Buffy and Angel's first meeting(s). Now Buffy's the one with the experiance, trying to protect Connor from a life he can't be protected from.

I like the connection between the two of them. The coming to terms that occurs.

I'm surprised no one's mentioned the obvious flip of Buffy and Angel's first meeting(s).

I'm so glad you mentioned that because I was beginning to be afraid no one noticed! I thought it was almost too obvious, affected, but it was the point of the piece, really. How they would play out the exact same roles.

Glad the connection worked for you! Thank you!

Oooh, I like this. I really like the way you twist Angel's lines around slightly for Connor--it's subtle, but noticeable.

I also love the language you use here:

Her voice is grainy, grinding between the cords of her throat, which are standing out, taut and angry, like the way sand stands in ridges, when the wind is very hard, and the land is very dry. The Destroyer looks down at her, still eyes a reflection of the sky. Buffy has not cried over Angel in years. She does not plan on beginning now.

That's just beautiful.

it's subtle, but noticeable.

Yay! That's what I wanted. It's a trick, I guess, but it's about how Connor's like Angel, and how he's different, how Buffy's like her old self, and how she's different, and also how Connor's like Buffy and how Buffy's like Angel. Which, whew, is a lot!

Anyway, thanks. Glad you liked this.

I read Walk Like Men at lunch and then took a catnap and dreamt about Buffy and Connor. I have no clue what it was about, maybe just the fic in movie format which is how I read fic anyway. Who knows.

I like the idea for this. I like Buffy's initial uneasiness. I like how Connor is and isn't The Destroyer. I think you did a great job with what we got to see of Connor v2.0 in S5.

However, reading it was odd because it felt like effort, and that is not something I'm used to sensing from your writing. I think it's because of the recent discussions you've hosted on metaphor. When I came across examples of metaphor in Walk Like Men, I thought: "Oh, look, metaphor". It was as if you were trying too hard. Although, in retrospect, the fault could be with me as reader. Maybe the metaphor discussion is too recent and I failed to divorce the meta from the text.

There were moments that I thought worked really well:

it moves very fast, like the flip of a book back to the beginning, only faster

The shadows make her look older; the lines by her eyes are every alley in which she's ever fought. This was actually the first moment where I went, aha!metaphor, although I really really love the implication of what you're saying here.

When you're young you can always just shove things down. Lawd! Love that. Her age and experience, the way she's weighted down by the past seven years even though she isn't physically old and maybe I'm reading way too much into that. :)

Don't want a friend. Just coffee. [...] He takes her hand and she finds herself following. I love how sweet that is and easy. It just catches me.

Guys don't stake vampires. It's a girl thing. AND HOW AWESOME is that!!!

Love the shift from Connor to Destroyer when she's got him pinned to the wall.

There's just something like reprieve, like the laying down of a weapon

And I like how it ended with this very fragile moment, with forgiveness and the negotiation of a new terrain for Buffy as it concerns the men (or potential men) in her life.

I get what you're saying. The metaphors in this piece, except for the book and the lines=alleys (the two you picked out), are outside this fic. They have nothing to do with what's going on, which is kind of the bizarre thing I said might not really work in prose at all.

I wrote this piece months ago, so though I always try to think about metaphor the way I described it wasn't explicit and in the front of my mind, but even without that post at the front of your mind, I can see why you'd feel some of this was trying too hard. I'm not going to go into a long explanation about my mindset, but I was trying to approach writing this from a different angle (nothing to dod with the metaphors, just the *way* I sat down and wrote it, so I really, really appreciate your input here because it gives me a good way to evaluate how that approach worked for me, you know? So thanks!

And I'm glad parts of it worked for you and that you liked the ideas. Thank you so much for your opinions--I value them a lot!

When you're young you can always just shove things down.

Oh, there are layers in that line, baby. Layers. Nice.

Like an onion. Or maybe parfait.

I really love your writing style, but you already know that. The way you seem to be saying something simple, but then BAM, a deeper meaning hits, and it hits home every time. (When you're young you can always shove things down).

I love the Buffy voice (eating her brains), and I love the Connor voice (it was justified in my heart & I just want to have coffee with you- you peg both the Destroyer!Connor and post-Home!Connor here, with just these two lines). I love how coffee is a metaphor all its own, for Angel and Buffy and for Connor and Buffy. And I love the complete juxtiposition of Buffy meeting Angel with Buffy meeting Connor, although I admit that took me a moment to understand.

I love the fragile peace of the ending, and the way that sometimes it CAN be easy, if we only let it be.

I was thrown out of the story by a couple lines that refer to Buffy (the lines around her eyes reflect all the alleyways); even though they are gorgeous, in the Buffy POV piece, I don't believe she thinks of HERSELF in those terms.

I would love to read more from you about these two. But if there is no more, this stand alone is just lovely.

I love the Connor voice

I'm glad; I think he's scary to write!

And I love the complete juxtiposition of Buffy meeting Angel with Buffy meeting Connor, although I admit that took me a moment to understand.

OK yay, I wasn't sure it worked, but that was the idea behind it.

I don't think Buffy thinks of herself in those terms, either! If I ever get more in a shape fit to be seen, I would get a beta. I was just . . . feeling slutty, I think, when I posted this, wanting to fling myself around ;o)

Thank you so much for this--I hope you know how much I really truly value your opinion. It really means a lot to me.

I'm surprised no one's mentioned the obvious flip of Buffy and Angel's first meeting(s).

I'm so glad you mentioned that because I was beginning to be afraid no one noticed! I thought it was almost too obvious, affected, but it was the point of the piece, really. How they would play out the exact same roles.

I noticed that right away. I am glad that it was intentional, as I knew it would be, this being you. I could see the similarities right away. Very clever and I wish I had thought of it. :~)

Reading through the comments I see all the points I like about this fic have been raised so I won't bore you with going over it all again. :~)

Buffy's reaction is nicely handled, as is Connor's. These people have grown.

Okay, so I lied. *smirk*

Well done.

Hugs

Oops, sorry.

I hope you know I meant I lied about the not boring you with mentioning the same things the others had. When I read the post I realised you could misconstrue.

*blush*

I never miscontrue compliments. I always assume I'm being praised. When I'm being insulted, it take three or four times before I actually realize it. So don't ever worry on that score; I'm hard to offend.

Thanks again, and love ya, hon.

I noticed that right away.

Because you are so observant!

I'm really glad you liked this, thanks so much.

Truly fabulous.

Hey, thanks!

oh, this, my heart.

*flails*

Glad you appreciated! Thanks!

I really super enjoyed this! Took forever to get to because I suck, but really very enjoyable. I love how funny your Buffy is, just like Buffy should be. :)

Oh, hey, thanks! I'm flattered you enjoyed it! I always meant to do something bigger and a lot less stilted than this, and haven't gotten around to it yet. Can't remember whether I've told you this before, but your Buffy/Connor comes highly recommended by numerous sources, and I really want to read more of it than I have. I just need to get around to it--'cause I suck too :o)

Hey, no pressure! It takes me over a year to get to some things, I totally understand. And if you didn't like it when you read it. Fanfic is weird! :)

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FIC: Walk Like Men

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hi hi and please don't shoot me dead

OMG I'M GOING TO KILL YOU

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