lettered | Intellectual inquiry

What is a Master vampire? Is it like, an internship? 20 years with Angelus you get a degree in vampirism? Is this anything at all like how

stoney321 is a Master Gardener? Or is all of this just a corruption of "Marsters"? Come on now, 'fess up.

How many exclamation points do you need? Just curious.

How many times does Xander cry in canon? Can we count? Because whatever the number, I just don't think the ratio equates to once a paragraph and three times in the penultimate paragraph of the page. I really don't.

Can't some erections be, I don't know, kitchen faucet hard, or maybe advanced calculus hard? Why do they all gotta be rock?

Why is NIN always in fic? Always? You do not want to fuck me like an animal. You do not want to feel me from the inside. I do not bring you closer to god. TRUST ME ON THIS.

What's a vampire court? A necro-tinted box for playing tennis? Or maybe it's judicial, and you have to burn your hand on the Bible and solemnly swear you're up to no good? No really, are there like, powdered wigs and stuff?

How often does anyone actually "have long conversations about everything and nothing"?

Does everyone celebrate one month anniversaries? Is this some really universal thing I missed out on? Where a month went by and we hid the new diamonds and entertainment systems we got each other and surprised each other with them, then one of us had to be disappointed because the reservations we made at the fanciest restaurant in town were vetoed by the other who had rented us the night on the yacht, and there was lobster and formal wear and slow dancing, and the food was never bad and the clothes were always perfect and the slow dancing was probably to NIN, and then there was lots and lots of gentle I love you sex? Did I miss out on that?

Does Spike scream? Is it sexist or something to think screaming is kinda . . . girly? Do screeching men in fic turn anyone else off? Anyone? Can we count the number of times Spike screams in canon, too?

Are there ever weak orgasms in fanfic? Ever?

If men get to turn into women, how come women don't ever turn into men? And if men get pregnant, how come they don't have to have periods? And go through menapause? And can someone show me a fic where a women gets a prostate? Please?

Which one gets compared to Greek gods/statues more: Angel or Spike?

Does Angel giggle? Can we count the number of times Angel giggles in canon? Just for the sake of balance, here.

Is cock really an appendage? *wants to know*

Do people really think the penis is a muscle? *doesn't want to know, so much*

How often do people keen? I mean, all people. Can we count the number of times real people in the world have keened? Will it still be less than the number of times Spike keens over Angel and Xander keens over Spike? The comparison would really just be for the sake of intellectual curiosity.

When did Giles turn into the Big Bad trying to keep Spike and Angel apart?

And just how often do people cut their palms with their nails? Is this really something so common that it needs to happen at least once a fic? And if the whole world's gone emo, can't we all just slit our wrists instead of these halfmoon impressions on our palms drawing single ruby drops? Or what?

Velvet? Over? Steel?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

1) Right on first, it's an internship program.

2) Less is more.

3) Once is implied but not seen.

4) Because everything can be Sued in fanfiction, including cocks!

5) Because NIN like rules so much.

6) I think it's like a King's court, except everyone's a vampire and stuff. And they drain the Jester if he sucks.

7) Rarely, since they're so long.

8) Of course, it's like a rule or something. Unless you're not really in love. :( Are you?

9) He screamed when he was Randy Giles. And screaming is kinda girly. Unless it's screaming over a big huge nasty bug. Then screaming is the macho thing to do. :)

10) I've seen a couple fanfics where the sex is bad and people suck at it. They were humor fics.

11) Hum, because many writers wouldn't be able to write women turned into men?

12) I'm fairly sure it's that Apollo like Spike.

13) Ach, never. Even when he's being all a people person or faux Irishman.

14) Can the most important organ be considered an appendage? :D

15) It's a bone! *is 6*

16) People keen all the time. Like, when you stub your toe, that's perfect keening time.

17) Spike and Angel? Good lord.

18) It's all the rage now, nothing says love like a single ruby drop of blood. Besides, wrist slitting is so final yanno, palm cutting gives all the emo payload without the icky after effects.

19) That's deep and stuff. Heavy.

3) When?
8) Guess not!
9) Forgot about Randy. He was a bit of a girl, though. I want to see a fic where he was cross-dressing as a disguise in Tabula Rasa, so that when the spell happens he thinks he's a girl. Or just gay. I also want to see a fic of "Him" where Willow's spell to turn letterjacketboy into a girl gets wonkered up by Spike and Spike turns into a girl. Yes.
10) There should be bad sex in good fics.
11) Doesn't stop them writing men turned into men.
12) Dunno. See Adonis and David a lot, too.
15) HAHAHHAHA.
18) HAHAHAHHAA again.
19) You can carry it in the palm of your hand!

3) The Body. Anya says Xander cried because of Joyce, but Anya didn't like it, so he stopped.

Other than that... Never.

9) I'm sure someone already wrote that.

10) Hum... Only if it's anti-shipper fic.

Like, a few months after NFA Buffy finds Spike and they start dating but then the sex is meh because Spike is in love with Angel OMG, and Buffy is angry and asks Willow if maybe she's the reason Angle and Spoike turned gay, because her vagina is evil. But then Willow tries to prove Buffy's vagina isn't evil, but the sex is meh because Buffy's straight and Willow is still in love with Tara. And then Buffy checks herself into a convent because without great sex there's no reason to deal with all the hassle of having a relationship.

The End

3) Oh yeah!
10) But that's not a good fic. That's a basher fic. There should be more fic where Buffy can't manage to get off, Spike prematurely ejaculates, Angel doesn't give his partner an orgasm, Xander's ass isn't like coming home, and Wesley is turned off by how kinky Fred is, and Cordelia is turned off by how grunty Angel is, and Buffy thinks the thought of fucking two people at the same time sounds majorly ick. I realize that good sex is fun to read about, but such points can be made with bad sex, or people finding out that as much as they care about each other, they don't fit on that level.

Would you write a fic about how Angel and Buffy can never be together, and sex is meh as shorthand for their issues?

I doubt it. Same thing if someone writes a story where sex isn't OMG, THE BEST, it's because they're trying to prove a point, that whatever ship they're exploring is ultimately doomed. And when sex is the best evah, well, shorthand for OTP.

Which isn't to say that you're wrong, there should be more fic with realistic sex, but fanfic writers usually aren't interested in that, they're interested in proving a point, improving a character's life, something, there's a point to the story (even if they're unaware). Gen writers could do it, but risk all the "What do you mean with Wesley thought Lilah was better in bed?" from the shippers.

It's one of those things where writers and fanfic writers are quite different, I think.

Oh, huh. I get what you're saying.

I wouldn't say I'd ever written my OTP having very bad, awful, no-good sex (or even meh sex) but I have afflicted them with the occasional premature ejaculation and on one occasion, falling ungracefully off a sarcophagus whilst wrapped in a very ugly afghan.

ha! Fictional sex in locations/circumstances that're awkward (as opposed to sexy because it's in public or some other more obvious kink) is a kink of mine. Trying to figure out how exactly *do* you fuck in a cave full of rocks. Or not figuring it out and trying to figure out logistics during.

I have a link to #9, but we'll talk about that later.

Is it a bad link or a good one?

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