Intellectual inquiry

[lettered]

What is a Master vampire? Is it like, an internship? 20 years with Angelus you get a degree in vampirism? Is this anything at all like how stoney321 is a Master Gardener? Or is all of this just a corruption of "Marsters"? Come on now, 'fess up.

How many exclamation points do you need? Just curious.

How many times does Xander cry in canon? Can we count? Because whatever the number, I just don't think the ratio equates to once a paragraph and three times in the penultimate paragraph of the page. I really don't.

Can't some erections be, I don't know, kitchen faucet hard, or maybe advanced calculus hard? Why do they all gotta be rock?

Why is NIN always in fic? Always? You do not want to fuck me like an animal. You do not want to feel me from the inside. I do not bring you closer to god. TRUST ME ON THIS.

What's a vampire court? A necro-tinted box for playing tennis? Or maybe it's judicial, and you have to burn your hand on the Bible and solemnly swear you're up to no good? No really, are there like, powdered wigs and stuff?

How often does anyone actually "have long conversations about everything and nothing"?

Does everyone celebrate one month anniversaries? Is this some really universal thing I missed out on? Where a month went by and we hid the new diamonds and entertainment systems we got each other and surprised each other with them, then one of us had to be disappointed because the reservations we made at the fanciest restaurant in town were vetoed by the other who had rented us the night on the yacht, and there was lobster and formal wear and slow dancing, and the food was never bad and the clothes were always perfect and the slow dancing was probably to NIN, and then there was lots and lots of gentle I love you sex? Did I miss out on that?

Does Spike scream? Is it sexist or something to think screaming is kinda . . . girly? Do screeching men in fic turn anyone else off? Anyone? Can we count the number of times Spike screams in canon, too?

Are there ever weak orgasms in fanfic? Ever?

If men get to turn into women, how come women don't ever turn into men? And if men get pregnant, how come they don't have to have periods? And go through menapause? And can someone show me a fic where a women gets a prostate? Please?

Which one gets compared to Greek gods/statues more: Angel or Spike?

Does Angel giggle? Can we count the number of times Angel giggles in canon? Just for the sake of balance, here.

Is cock really an appendage? *wants to know*

Do people really think the penis is a muscle? *doesn't want to know, so much*

How often do people keen? I mean, all people. Can we count the number of times real people in the world have keened? Will it still be less than the number of times Spike keens over Angel and Xander keens over Spike? The comparison would really just be for the sake of intellectual curiosity.

When did Giles turn into the Big Bad trying to keep Spike and Angel apart?

And just how often do people cut their palms with their nails? Is this really something so common that it needs to happen at least once a fic? And if the whole world's gone emo, can't we all just slit our wrists instead of these halfmoon impressions on our palms drawing single ruby drops? Or what?

Velvet? Over? Steel?

Comments

[ros-fod.livejournal.com]

Every time you post these questions, I get the sense that you read a lot of bad fic. And then there is really only one question, and that question is -- WHY?

[lostakasha.livejournal.com]

You mocked my fic.

That's it. I'm putting my pen away. 4 eva.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

1. Because I'm perverse.
2. Because I like porn and there's not enough good porn.
3. Because I like really really long fics and very few good authors write of the long.
4. Morbid fascination?
5. Did I mention: perverse.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure I mocked my own too, actually. Pretty sure I've used the velvet over steel bit. God, I'm so fucking tired of that one.

[jgracio.livejournal.com]

1) Right on first, it's an internship program.

2) Less is more.

3) Once is implied but not seen.

4) Because everything can be Sued in fanfiction, including cocks!

5) Because NIN like rules so much.

6) I think it's like a King's court, except everyone's a vampire and stuff. And they drain the Jester if he sucks.

7) Rarely, since they're so long.

8) Of course, it's like a rule or something. Unless you're not really in love. :( Are you?

9) He screamed when he was Randy Giles. And screaming is kinda girly. Unless it's screaming over a big huge nasty bug. Then screaming is the macho thing to do. :)

10) I've seen a couple fanfics where the sex is bad and people suck at it. They were humor fics.

11) Hum, because many writers wouldn't be able to write women turned into men?

12) I'm fairly sure it's that Apollo like Spike.

13) Ach, never. Even when he's being all a people person or faux Irishman.

14) Can the most important organ be considered an appendage? :D

15) It's a bone! *is 6*

16) People keen all the time. Like, when you stub your toe, that's perfect keening time.

17) Spike and Angel? Good lord.

18) It's all the rage now, nothing says love like a single ruby drop of blood. Besides, wrist slitting is so final yanno, palm cutting gives all the emo payload without the icky after effects.

19) That's deep and stuff. Heavy.

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Master vampire, courts, weeping cocks, ruby half moons on palms, all of this makes me want to ask one thing.

What the hell are you reading?? and why aren't you sharing it with the rest of us so we can giggle too?.

[marenfic.livejournal.com]

I totally want to fuck you like an animal. DON'T TELL ME WHAT I WANT AND DON'T WANT.

;)

[lostakasha.livejournal.com]

Velvet over steel may be overused, but it sure beats "she sucked his saggy ball bag."

[tkp.livejournal.com]

These details come from so many places, though. And by that I don't mean just that each was culled from a different fic. It's like bad fic writers have a list of details they *need* to include, and all of 'em are in each.

Most of 'em are old archived things I find because they are long. No one writes long unless it's bad and all human. But those? 're everywhere. Laugh it up.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

hahaha! Whenever I hear "Closer", I just want to scream, NO YOU DON'T. But it's true. I can't tell NIN what they want.

*is saddened, by that*

[tkp.livejournal.com]

I . . .
I got nothin'.
You actually saw that somewhere?

you crack my shit up

[tkp.livejournal.com]

3) When?
8) Guess not!
9) Forgot about Randy. He was a bit of a girl, though. I want to see a fic where he was cross-dressing as a disguise in Tabula Rasa, so that when the spell happens he thinks he's a girl. Or just gay. I also want to see a fic of "Him" where Willow's spell to turn letterjacketboy into a girl gets wonkered up by Spike and Spike turns into a girl. Yes.
10) There should be bad sex in good fics.
11) Doesn't stop them writing men turned into men.
12) Dunno. See Adonis and David a lot, too.
15) HAHAHHAHA.
18) HAHAHAHHAA again.
19) You can carry it in the palm of your hand!

Re: you crack my shit up

[jgracio.livejournal.com]

3) The Body. Anya says Xander cried because of Joyce, but Anya didn't like it, so he stopped.

Other than that... Never.

9) I'm sure someone already wrote that.

10) Hum... Only if it's anti-shipper fic.

Like, a few months after NFA Buffy finds Spike and they start dating but then the sex is meh because Spike is in love with Angel OMG, and Buffy is angry and asks Willow if maybe she's the reason Angle and Spoike turned gay, because her vagina is evil. But then Willow tries to prove Buffy's vagina isn't evil, but the sex is meh because Buffy's straight and Willow is still in love with Tara. And then Buffy checks herself into a convent because without great sex there's no reason to deal with all the hassle of having a relationship.

The End

Re: you crack my shit up

[tkp.livejournal.com]

3) Oh yeah!
10) But that's not a good fic. That's a basher fic. There should be more fic where Buffy can't manage to get off, Spike prematurely ejaculates, Angel doesn't give his partner an orgasm, Xander's ass isn't like coming home, and Wesley is turned off by how kinky Fred is, and Cordelia is turned off by how grunty Angel is, and Buffy thinks the thought of fucking two people at the same time sounds majorly ick. I realize that good sex is fun to read about, but such points can be made with bad sex, or people finding out that as much as they care about each other, they don't fit on that level.

Re: you crack my shit up

[jgracio.livejournal.com]

Would you write a fic about how Angel and Buffy can never be together, and sex is meh as shorthand for their issues?

I doubt it. Same thing if someone writes a story where sex isn't OMG, THE BEST, it's because they're trying to prove a point, that whatever ship they're exploring is ultimately doomed. And when sex is the best evah, well, shorthand for OTP.

Which isn't to say that you're wrong, there should be more fic with realistic sex, but fanfic writers usually aren't interested in that, they're interested in proving a point, improving a character's life, something, there's a point to the story (even if they're unaware). Gen writers could do it, but risk all the "What do you mean with Wesley thought Lilah was better in bed?" from the shippers.

It's one of those things where writers and fanfic writers are quite different, I think.

Re: you crack my shit up

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Oh, huh. I get what you're saying.

I never Know about you and these questions ....

[seraphcelene]

What is a Master vampire? Is it like, an internship? 20 years with Angelus you get a degree in vampirism? Is this anything at all like how stoney321 is a Master Gardener? Or is all of this just a corruption of "Marsters"? Come on now, 'fess up.

Depends on your universe/canon. Generally, I believe, it's based around age and strength. Typically the older a vampire is the more power he has. At some point he's powerful enough to control other vampires or people or whatever and he's a master. But that's all very Anita Blake. Although, I think S1's Master was someone along those lines. He looked to much like what we later discovered to be the Turok Han not to be very old and very powerful and therefore Somebody's Master.

How many exclamation points do you need? Just curious.
As many as it takes, you know. Dried Frog Pills.

Can't some erections be [...] advanced calculus hard? Why do they all gotta be rock?
I am dying right now with laughter. We're talking milk out of my nose and that is so not professional.

What's a vampire court? A necro-tinted box for playing tennis? Or maybe it's judicial, and you have to burn your hand on the Bible and solemnly swear you're up to no good? No really, are there like, powdered wigs and stuff?
It's like a coven. Or more like a kiss (the collective noun). Just a group but with hierarchy, of course. Think aristocracy.

How often does anyone actually "have long conversations about everything and nothing"?
*slowly raises hand* Me and my BFF talk in circles for hours at a time. I think four may be the record. The problem is that I talk A LOT and I have a tendency to wander away on these tangents that lead off onto more tangents and so forth and so on. I seldom remember what my point was at any given moment.

Did I miss out on that?
OMG, I hope I did. *shudders*

Are there ever weak orgasms in fanfic? Ever?
I gave Buffy a tiny almost orgasm. Mostly she was faking for the camera. That would be "and if you should have a future".

The pregnancy question? OMGWTF!!!! (please take note of the necessity of additional exclamation points)

I really don't think I want to know where these question came from. I have the vague, disconcerting feeling that they were inspired by really, really, really, god-awfully bad fic. If that's true then that is a tragedy. A big one. Dude.

[tinpanalley.livejournal.com]

I'm partial to "New York Times crossword puzzle" hard myself. It just flows trippingly off the tongue.

The blood drops on palms gets me too. Along with the people who are biting their lips until they bleed. Wouldn't that create some awful sores if you did that all the time? I mean, who would kiss you?

[sweptawaybayou.livejournal.com]

Hrmmm *ponders* What have you been reading?

I can only answer the ones that actually make some kind of sense to me, so ...

Yes. I like my cocks rock hard. Half hard sometimes, but when at the moment of sex, rock hard is a good description. Course, I also like my rock ... hard, when I'm listening to such things. *la*

I have had long conversations about everything and nothing. Some of the best times of my life. Hands down.

I like it when Spike, or any other partner of Angel's screams. No, I don't consider it girly, although I like it when female partners of Angel's scream also. hrmmmm, maybe I'm just a screamer in my head. *g*

uh, yeah. The greek god thing is overused. But very apropo. For Angel, of course.

Do you really *want* to read about a weak orgasm?

I never want to see/hear/read about Angel giggling. Ever.

Keening can work, but not all the time. Overused I think it becomes whining. Which is as irritating as giggling. *shudders*

Velvet? Over? Steel? Well, heh. I am guilty of that. Prolly. But I have held a few cocks in my 40+ years that actually *were* velvet over steel and as such were some of my favorites and they have made it into my writing. Go pretty cocks!

:)

oh yes, and NIN rulz. *holds up lighter* *headbangs* Having sex with Angel would bring anyone Closer to God. Dude. That is my religion.

*snorfle*

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I'm totally going to write the Ultimate Cliche Fic with all of these things in there.

I want to fuck you like a fern spore. I want to feel you on the OUTside, because that's where the interesting bits are.

What's fun is to read bad!fic outloud, including the orgasm noises. "Haaaaahhhnnnannhaaannnaahhnnahhhhaaannn Haaaaaannnhhhannnaa Ha" stands as my personal favorite.

[i-palimpsest.livejournal.com]

>Course, I also like my rock ... hard


You like cock-hard rock?

Like a velvet bass over a steel guitar?

[i-palimpsest.livejournal.com]

I like when the guitar screams.

[i-palimpsest.livejournal.com]

What? Sometimes you need to clear your throat at an untimely moment.

I love that last Ha! Like even the orgasmic person is laughing at it.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I would really think it only natural for the vamplines (vampire felines - they are ALWAYS PURRING) to have cat dicks. You know: sandpaper over a soft bag of jello. The opposite of velvet over steel.

VIAGRA, MUCHACHAS!

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Man, I read one once (and posted about it way back when) where the author inserted the word HAND in the "Haahhhaaaannnahandha" and I'm STILL cracking up about that.

Because there weren't hands involved. WHAT??