lettered | Fulfillment From Fanfic

I find writing fiction incredibly difficult, and occassionally even painful. It's frustrating and tedious and makes me wanna tear out my hair. The fun part comes in those "AHA!" moments, when I think of something so brilliant that I can't believe I thought of it. It's like... I'm staring off into space, trying to think of the perfect word or the perfect metaphor, and my mind is just blank... and then suddenly I just *see* it there, floating in front of me, and I snatch it out of the air before it flies away. Those moments make me happy.

Also, getting positive feedback makes me happy. Getting pimped makes me happy. And most of all, having the damn thing finally *written* makes me positively giddy. That part is a high that lasts for days, compelling me read the whole thing over and over and over again. Yes, I am *that* vain. :P

I feel that way when I write original fiction. And with some stuff, like that 5 Ways NFA Probably Didn't End fic. But that's Closet of Pain stuff. Like, it hurts so much it's good. And it's good when it stops, too, like you said--I totally get that wanting to read it over and over again. I do that when I finish, too. So we can be vain together.

But the longer fics I do, most of which I don't post because I never finish them, I just write whatever comes into my head, whatever, and sometimes when I like the idea I'm spouting off about, it's just so bleedin' euphoric. But then what I write in those instances isn't as...impressive, so I don't fawn over it so much. But I still reread it because hey, it still feels so fun.

You and I are one.

Hee! We're like twins joined at the brain.

That's how come you two should have babies!

I mean, you one. You could reproduce asexually.

Yes.

To everything, except the boredom part. I adore fanfic wiritng and don't do nearly enough of it ... I love channeling the characters and bringing them to the page because it's a physical necessity. It's like ... I don't know, some kind of psychic cleansing or mystical bloodletting. When I get cooking there's nothing like it. It's a survival imperative -- but that's what writing is for me, generally.

Perfect example -- and not a self-pimp but an example that's very fresh -- is the birthday fic for Maren. That was going to be a drabble. Not that I couldn't give it 100 words, but I didn't want to. I loved Angel's mustache and his Xander lust, and Buffy's vague dissapointment with getting everything she dreamed about at a 17-year-old. And it may well become a full fledged fic because they came to me with a story to tell. I truncated it so I could post it on the actual day of Maren-birth, but if I hadn't? I'd still be writing it now.

Do you write character journals with fic nobody will ever, ever read but you have to write it because you can't stand it if you don't? I do.

I love your questions. They bring me Joy! And who doesn't love Joy? And oooh! Don't you love that Tempe's name is Joy, and that her mother named her after two virtues? Just sayin'.

Yeah, I don't do it because I'm bored, either. I get the impression sometimes that people do it like so many people watch tv--hey, it's there. I only watch tv if it's something I've been waiting all week to see.

Self-pimp away, though. I really did love that fic. Are you going to write more, though? Are you?

What do you mean by "character journals"? The only fanfic I have written that I don't post is stuff that isn't finished. I get crackin' on something, go for weeks, and then just stop, and feel bad posting WIPs because I tried that and feel like I'm killing chrisleeoctaves whenever I don't update. But with me, I write fanfic for myself anyway, and just show other people because I think they might like it, not to say something about myself, you know? So pretty much anything that I can actually finish, I post. Except for that Angel/Connor porn I wrote. That was just for me.

I know, with the Joy, I was like, "um, yay?" I love how often you pun my name. It makes me want to pet you.

I'm leery of writing post-Shanshu Angel, because I've loved

a2zmom's so very much. But I'm going to give mine a shot to see what hapens. So, yeah!

I kept a character journal when I was inthe

fandom_muses comm, which I've since left. I wrote Jack Hodgins there. I use that journal now when I'm in the mood to write "just Jack!" (hee) because it really is out of context of a fic ... just me getting my ya ya's out. If you want to look at it, you can go here (http://j-hodgins.livejournal.com/). I find it very relaxing and fun, and I don't feel as though I'm spamming every time I want him to say something.

I love a2z's too. I think definitely the best Shanshu Angel I've read.

And oh, cool. You've got a lot of writing going on, girl! That's so cool. Maybe I should start doing something like that one day. I get a lot of ideas I save in my head to put in stories, and sometimes they get lost. Looks like you've got great ways to just kinda let loose. I think I'm too uptight when I write.

I contribute to the fandom with icon making. That makes me happy like writing fanfiction can make fanfic writers happy - it can be boring and tedious, but when you get something great - like the color you've been wanting forever, all by yourself - then it's awesome. Then all of the shiney comments when you post your stuff!

Kind of unrelated, but kind of not, so ;p

Not unrelated! I don't ask about the art stuff because I can't really relate, but it's interesting when people say that a lot of what impels them to do it is similar to what inspires me to write fic. It seems so different, but stems from the same root impulses, apparently.

Writing fan fiction for me is very challenging and a constant learning process. But, there's something so satisfying about putting my work out there and having people react to it, to know that it affected them enough that they felt the need to say something. This is such a warm community and the encouragement I receive and the expectations I have for myself keep it fun, as well as the love I have for these shows and these characters.

Yeah, I think it's the "expectations" thing that can really bring you down. I'm so glad you don't let it get to you...Seems like you're going about it the right way!

I am very much a perfectionist. I also have no patience. This is a very bad combination because I won't write anything for a very long time out of fear that it will suck. Then, once I have something I want it to be done. I don't want to wait for that silly editing process, though I know it's vital.

Fic writing can be painful or it can be just really exciting, but it depends on how I'm approaching it. If I'm trying to force myself to write, then it just hurts, but if I have an idea? If I feel on and like the story is flowing? Then I get the bursty feeling because whatever the idea is, it will haunt me until I get it out. I just wish that happened more frequently.

It's interesting, the divide between pain and pleasure most people are talking about in writing. I do agree that there's nothing worse than forcing yourself to write; it makes me sick inside. But boy do I love the bursty feeling, when it comes!

I don't feel like I ever use it as a way to stave off boredom. I think I'm happiest at fic writing when I do it because a scene has randomly popped into my head, and I can see it so clearly and I feel like bad wrong things will happen if I don't get it written down and build a story around it. I find it the most frustrating when I'm writing to suit a challenge I don't feel and it's not coming, or I'm writing something that works so much better in my head than it's turning into on paper... which is happening now.
But yes, every once in a while I get that bursty feeling, when everything feels like it's just working out right. That's pretty nice.

hahaha! Bad things will happen! That's an interesting why of putting it. I get that feeling too: write it down, OR ELSE. I wonder what the or else is though. I think it's mostly that I'll forget. That's why I started writing fanfiction anyway. I always used to come up with stories in my head about characters I loved, but then when I wanted to do the next part, I'd forgotten what came before, so I started writing it all down.

Yeah, writing for challenges, or forcing yourself to write, is tough. A lot of times, what happens in my head is different than on paper, because paper is so...linear. You have to put the idea down one word at a time, instead of transferring the idea fully formed from your head. Which you know, is what writing IS, but sometimes I'm surprised that I can't make the two match!

I don't write because I'm bored. I write because all of a sudden I must.

I don't write because I'm bored, either. It's a suddenly I must with me thing, too, but it makes me so freakin' HAPPY.

It used to be that way to me. The happy high of writing. I haven't had that in ages, for several reasons, and it makes me incredibly sad.

*Since this isn't a happy comment, I will completely understand if you wish to delete it.

Dude, you have a perfect right to be unhappy. No censorship from me!

I hope you find the spark again, I really do. Best wishes, and chin up!

Thank you :)

a happy that makes you want to jump up and down and run in circles and smile all the time because you're secretly thinking of what you're going to write next? Is it the kind of happy that makes it so you can't wait to sit down in front of your computer so you can see what happens next? Is it the kind of happy that every once in a while makes you bursty feeling?
Yes yes yes! :) (Except at the moment I'm also incredibly frustrated because I have next to no time for writing and I have all these stories in my head getting increasingly impatient!)

Here via the Herald btw. *waves*

Hi, hi!

That's the worst. When I don't have time to write it down, I feel like I'm losing something every moment, and then I start getting that hollowed out feeling. I hope you find time!

Fic writing is half and half happy and hair-ripping-out.

*Finishing* is a more a calm sense of satisfied accomplishment than an endorphin rush. But just as good.

Hearing that someone else liked it? Icing on the cake.

(My OTP receives the most attention because it's practically become my reason to breathe. But I also love how so many off-the-cuff random brain explosions turn into something worth exploring.)

Yeah, a lot of people say their favorite part of writing fic is finishing, but I get so excited when I start out. When I finish, it's the kinda zen thing you describe.

I like that you have brain explosions. It's hard to get brain out of carpet, though. I've tried.

This is going to be brief because I've had a long LONG day and it's time to hit the highway and debate going to the gym.

Fic gives me the dreadful, shivery kind of happy that won't let me sleep nights until I get it out of my head. Sometimes, it's a compulsive, hand on paper kind of thing that I'm only vaguely aware of. Sometimes it's an intense urge to create, something, anything and then I think and plot and TRY to write. It's best when images flicker behind my eyelids and usually that happens just as I'm laying down to go to sleep and that kind of sucks. But, hey! It be's that way sometimes.

I can't wait to read the other comments tomorrow!

I hope your day today is better.

I think it's cool you get images for stories. I don't really, just things to happen and then on a tighter level, words to make them happen in. But we share that way it is with sleep--either I'm up all night with ideas and don't sleep, or I get ideas as I go to sleep, so I'm screwed either way!

The commented comment I get on my stuff is the imagery and that comes from the whole visual nature of my writing process. It plays behind my eyes like a movie reel and I just have to get it on paper before it disappears. And then, when I really like the result, I, too, read and read and read it over and over again.

It's when I can't see the fic or when I can't see portions of the fic that I get into the most trouble.

Now, I get to dive into my work day and tuck away theplot bunnies for the IWRY fic that has haunted me for the last two nights!!!

Yeah, you do have stunning imagery, girl. And you really do translate it so well to the page.

Yay, IWRY fic! yay yay yay!

Fanfic writing for me is FUN when I'm being funny (to me), I'm amusing myself and there's no thought about what others will think. When I'm writing something I actually care about though (which I've done only rarely) it can be fun because the words are coming and oh, god, I have to get them out and then someone reads it and has an insightful comment and I think "Oh dear god they expect depth!" and then it's less fun because I become aware of what I'm doing.

I often overthink - I'm at my personal best when I wing it.

I would say that fanfic writing for me is fun when the creativity is flowing, when I get a feeling of accomplishment (like finishing SMCD - first multi-chaptered anything I've ever finished) and feedback is always fun. So I like feedback. And penis jokes.

Yeah, that meta awareness. I'm trying to let loosen up, not try to be so concerned with being overly meaningful. It messes me up, and fanfic is supposed to be fun.

The thing I love about you, in terms of your fanfic, I mean, is reading your fic is fun. Sometimes, I forget it can be.

PENIS!

The thing I love about you, reading your fanfic that is, is that it's both fun and enlightening. You're quality edu-tainment!

Xander's Magic Cock!

bahahaha, edu-tainment. thanks.

Fairy!Spike perched upon it!

But what I want to know is, is it a happy that staves off boredom and is entertaining, rather than a happy that makes you want to jump up and down and run in circles and smile all the time because you're secretly thinking of what you're going to write next?

Can I tell you how many times my husband has come into a room to find me all by myself, grinning like the Cheshire Cat? I am always busted when thinking about stories. I sometimes wonder if the people I walk past in the hallways at work think I'm slightly insane.

Heh. So glad I'm not the only one! Sometimes I just quiver with excitement. I'm always happy with writing, whether it's tearing out my hair worthy or no, but when I get a new idea I really love I'm always surprised by just how happy I really do get about it!

Thanks for sharing.

It used to be the happy of productive non-boring but lately it's been the "run around in circles with glee" kind...

I kinda go in cycles. For a while I might write just 'cause, but then I get a new idea and I'm all gleeful again. Hmm...

It's not quite the run around in circles, but then I can't do that, but it's certainly all the other parts of happiness. I love writing, it does indeed make me very happy, I'm always thinking of 'what can I write next' and looking forward to thinking up new stories.

It's my salvation really.

I think it's more my brain running in circles, anyway! I'm so glad it makes you happy--it does me too!

Now brain running in circles, I can so equate too :-))

When I'm doing it right--when I was in the middle of that Phantom story, for instance, by which I mean when it feels right--I liken the feeling to something almost sexual. It's the same sort of fluttery, nervous energy as when you meet someone new. I've decided this has to do with "creation," and the fact that our brains are made of chemicals. There are probably a limited number of ways for emotions to manifest themselves; fanfic writing, for some of us, is "up there" in intensity with lust, for lack of a better word.

Whoa, that's a really cool observation, especially the "creation" part. Because now that you mention it, the feeling is quite similar. The excitement and also the doubt. That it'll work out the way you want it to. How cool. Thanks for that thought.

No problem; anything you want to add would be welcome, because I've been trying to formulate this for a few years. ;)

Writing fanfic makes me happy in the way that I might be by going on a hike- sort of the serene, calm, peaceful happy that is contentment.
Reading fanfic makes me happy in the way that I want to gather everyone around me and stage a big-budget, pull out all the stops, production of a musical. Where I am the lead singer and dancer. Yeah.
So, I hope that answers your question. =)

Fulfillment From Fanfic

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Here Via Metafandom

Re: Here Via Metafandom

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