lettered | I deserve love.

I deserve love.

When I was very wee, I used to have these nightmares about bugs. The dreams were always the same: bugs were at the bottom of my bed trying to crawl their way up. They were actually sort of waking nightmares; I had them when I was trying to get to sleep more often than when I was asleep. I used to wake up crying all the time.

I stopped waking up crying by the time I was 7 or so I think, but I never really got over that nightmare. I still have it fairly often--again, while I'm awake. I can feel bugs crawling on me, and have to concentrate really hard to remind myself it's not real.

When I read 1984 and got to the part about Room 101 (Winston's Room 101 being rats) I started trying to think what would be in my Room 101, what one thing I was so afraid of I might even betray someone I loved out of sheer fear. And sadly, I had an answer, and it's a certain kind of bug. This bug is relatively harmless, but it frightens the bejesus out of me. And my Room 101 would be full to the top of them, and I'd have to go in there, and they wouldn't just crawl on me, they'd crawl in me. Yes, in every place. I am very good at feeding my phobias.

So tonight when I was reading some of the best fiction (pro or fan) that I've ever read anywhere, one of those bugs crawls into my pants. I tell myself it's the nightmare and it's not real. I tell myself this a good five minutes before I look in pants to check.

I am never going to sleep again.

SO. Do not mention bugs or tell me your bug horror stories or I will stab out your eyes and stuff them like olives. But do please tell me something nice, because I deserve it. ROOM 101 IS UPSTAIRS, AND MY PANTS ARE STILL IN IT*. MY WORST NIGHTMARE LITERALLY JUST CAME TRUE.

*am not pantless, though.

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Kittens are soft and awesome. Also, they eat scary icky things.

My brother got a kitten for just such a reason. I wish I could get one.

DUDE.

***hugs you tight***

I feel so sorry for myself I don't even know what to do. Also, terrified.

think of nice things like-
hot chocolate with marshmallows
how babies smell
kittens when they chase things and their heads go all wobbly
HUGE block of your favourite chocolate (see a theme here?)
flowers (me? love daisies)
blankies when you're cold
did I mention hot chocolate????
A big, comforting hug to you! (:

Aw thank you! THose are awesome things indeed. Particularly as it reminds me I have chocolate in the pantry.

kittens when they chase things and their heads go all wobbly

HAHAHAH. OMG why are they so cute!

I don't know if this will help in any way, shape or form, but myself and a good friend routinely use the mythos, "A moth in the ear is worse than having a baby." Which, after an unfortunate incident which I prefer not to dwell on, was expanded to include, "And what's worse than a moth in the ear? A bug in your pants."

You are not alone.

P.S. By "pants" I mean "knickers". FYI. *shudder*

OMG AT LEAST IT WASN'T MY UNDERWEARS. I am so sorry.

*commiserates*

I... am so with you. Bugs are my biggest fear. And I also sometimes have phantom sensations of bugs crawling on me at night. Not very often, though, which is why when it does happen, I genuinely have to check that there's really nothing there - get out of bed, turn on the lights, look through the sheets. It happened last night. It felt so real.

I am SO SORRY for your experience with the bug who doesn't know boundary issues and doesn't know that you stay out of people's pants unless invited. :(

OMG and it was your bday yesterday too! Happy unbirthday! I'm glad the bugs were not real. For you. Hahaha oh. I hope you had a nice day.

Twice it has been real for me, but if I got up to check every time I felt it, I'd never sleep most nights. I wonder why we get that feeling? Is it just paranoia?

Someone who would invite bugs in their pants needs help.

Since we live in the same city, I'm pretty sure I can guess what your phobia is. And let's just say your phobia is my phobia, for pretty much the same reasons.

Ahem.

Happy things...

Cupcakes with colorful frosting and perfect decorations
Puppy breath (maybe you think this is gross, but I love it)
Cheese toast
Your first cup of coffee in the morning
Angel eyes crying in the rain
Curling up on the couch with a soft, snuggly blanket

Oh, and porn, of course. :)

They are so awful. I want to move up north. They seem like they're worse this year--maybe it's the rain? I bombed the house recently but it didn't seem to do much good.

YAY CUPCAKES. And puppy breath is good because of PUPPIES. Thanks for the list; they are good things :o)

*hug* That's really REALLY horrible. I wish there were something I could say that would make you feel better about it but there really isn't. *lots of good thoughts from my general direction*

Aww, thanks. It was really traumatizing...but then I think of other horrible things that happen to people and I guess I should be thankful! :o) Thank you for the thoughts.

I love that story too. I've been thinking about it all morning. MUCH better to think about that story than any phobias.

Room 101 is just the classic, CLASSIC archetype of fear. Orwell really knew what he was talking about.

Let's concentrate on thinking about that wonderful story.

I can't get over that woman's writing. I'm probably way more fannish over it than I am over HP. I'm so sad she won't be writing anything else, so glad she said she's going to finish her WIPs, and ecstatic about the thought that I might get to buy her books one day in stores.

When I first read 1984, I thought I didn't have a room 101, because you know, it seems like to me the scariest thing of all is turning on your loves and your ideals the way Winston does in the end. But dude. The more I thought about it the more I realized that there was indeed one thing that might break me.

Also, if I think about that story I'm going to have Call Me Al on my head ALL DAY.

...too late.

Ha ha ha! Oh, you evil person, now I have it too.

Oh noes!

I'm sorry but I am too curious! WHICH BUG WAS IT?!

Okay, sorry sorry.

it was a cockroach. OMG SCARY.

Oh my god, that sucks! It's like anti-therapy or something. "Yes. YOU ARE ALL WRONG."

Something nice... Well, you're going to get something "hand made" from me! And I have strawberry yogurt and it's yummy. And my cat slept with me last night, which was nice. I guess it's getting less hot.

Wait, that's all good stuff for me. I get confused.

Oh! Someone's been able to make mice out of two female eggs. I mean, instead of that old, antiquated heterosexual way. Isn't that nice?

"Yes. YOU ARE ALL WRONG."

EXACTLY. It was worse than the time I said, "I know it's stupid, but I really hate to throw dead bugs in the toilet like some people do, for fear that they are not actually dead and they will crawl up my...yeah." To which my friend replied, "Oh, yeah, that happened to me once." I AM SUPPOSED TO BE REASSURED THAT ALL MY PHOBIAS ARE IRRATIONAL. My life is out to get me.

I'm excited about something hand made from you! I need to do my post so I can hand make things. I'm kind of excited about it because I like to paint, and I used to draw comics. Also, my mom always wants me to do clay or jewelry with her, so if someone cool (ahem, yourself!) commented I might be inspired to do a big projecty thing. I haven't done something artsy craftsy in a long time and I find that I miss it.

I don't like strawberries but I like strawberry yogurt. I'm probably a freak. *checks*

Wait, that's all good stuff for me.

All of which does make me happy :o)

Isn't that nice?

Actually K I'm kinda creeped out. WEIRD. 0_o

I had no idea you used to draw comics; I'd love to see some sometime. Oh, and I'll sign up for your crafty ways as soon as you offer.

I don't like strawberries but I like strawberry yogurt. I'm probably a freak. *checks*

Then we are both freaks. I love strawberry *flavoring* I think. And my strawberry yogurt has no chunks. I don't like bits in my yogurt.

I didn't draw very many. Most were stick figures, and all were just personal things for friends, which is why I never mentioned them when you talked about drawing comics (yours are way cooler). But there was this one rather involved one (i.e. not stick figures) I did where my friends and I were all 19th c. gals in the Old West with hoops skirts, packing revolvers in our garters, and there were tumbleweeds and bandits in black masks. It was fun.

Whoa, ditto on everything about strawberry flavoring and non-chunky yogurt!

That sounds awesome. I don't mind stick figures. My drawings aren't much better.

OMG WE AGREE.

Oh my gosh I'm sorry! I've had nightmares about bugs too. I hope that this doesn't happen to you too often! But in order to feel better, this is what I recommend:
-Eat some chocolate. Seriously, chocolate always makes me feel better, no matter the situation. =)
-Watch or listen to "The Sound of Music." This guarantees that I will have a smile on my face!
-Read "Drop Dead Gorgeous." Seriously, I was feeling sick a couple of weeks ago, and reading this made me feel so much better! Or sometimes just reading HP fanfiction, or talking about HP to friends helps. =)

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I deserve love.

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