lettered | Time in the world (to talk)

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Time in the world (to talk)

I’m talkative. When I was little, my Dad gave us a word per week in the summer. They ended up each pertaining to qualities about us. My oldest brother got something that meant glum and moody. All my next oldest brother’s were words such as, “erudite”. (My mom begged for a word; he only gave her one: callipygous.) Mine for the summer were these: loquacious, verbose, garrulous, and gesticulate (I talked even when my mouth wasn’t moving).

Whenever I get on AIM, or any chatting device, I end up talking to people I haven’t talked to in years. This is a many splendid thing, except that it takes approximately nine hours, and by the time all the conversation windows get clicked closed, I’m still not done:
1) With the dishes
2) With my writing
3) With my laundry
4) Watching Important Things, such as James Harriot and 80s baseball anime
5) Talking to friends I haven’t talked to in years.

The end result? I do not get on AIM. I do not chat. I do not pass go.

Most things end up being like this with me. The other day at movie night, I had all sorts of thoughts about the movie! But lots of people were talking, and my thoughts were long, and complicated, and very involved, and mostly for the ears of

my_daroga and Mr. Daroga. The point is though, I ended up not saying anything, because I knew it would take too long, and that the kind of discussion I wanted would not result from it.

I do this with lj. I have a million things I could post about, but don’t, because it will take too long. I feel like I’m wasting time; I feel in the end I still won’t say what I mean anyway; I feel people won’t read it because it’s too long; I won’t have time for the discussion because it will be too involved, etc etc. It’s part of my weird lj neurosis, which I believe I have discussed elsewhere.

It makes me sad. LJ is particularly cool because I think you can have the involved conversations I want to have on it. The formatting is fine for long discussion, plus the people here are thoughtful, and when they’re not, I don’t have to know that they didn’t listen to me. I don’t have to see blank faces or people trying to politely disengage from the conversation; I just get people not commenting. Which is fine! Furthermore all this gets recorded, both my insanely long thoughts and people’s insanely long thoughts back. It is perfect for me in so many ways!

Anyway, what I’ve decided to do is try to spend 15 minutes a day making a post. I spent 15 minutes on this one, and even though it’s stressing me out to cut it off here, maybe it will inspire me to keep going, and finally get some thoughts out. Some of it is writing, some fanfic, lots of thoughts about writing, and life in general. It may turn out to be fairly boring, but maybe I won’t feel such regret about having this wonderful tool and not using it appropriately.

. . . Watch me only do the 15 minute thing until tomorrow. I guess it’s worth the effort.

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Well, FWIW, I miss you a lot when you're not around.

I miss talking to you :o( It's lame! Can't wait to read your Connor ;o)

"Can't wait to read your Connor ;o)"

Yeah, me too. Heh.

You are always welcome to make long comments over in my neck of the woods, if I happen to post about anything you're interested in.

That's my hope for LJ, too, and why I blog here - hoping to get into some more involved discussions. It doesn't always happen, but I'm always open to the possibility. If I post about it, I'm interested in it, and I figure that if someone takes the time to leave a comment, they're interested too. So no "tl;dr" for me ... :D

I'm better about leaving long comments than I am about posting, though recently I've even seen myself start comments and then just erase them because they get too long or go on tangents. Hopefully if I can keep this up I'll be more lj-involved in general!

I love your posts, btw. They always say something slightly new to me ;o)

I have a million things I could post about, but don’t, because it will take too long....

Yes and thrice yes. I have the same problem: too many higglety-pigglety thoughts and not enough time or oompf to get them all down in coherent order, much less respond to everybody else who might come out to play. I can nail my habits to a couple of newish circumstances -- my 8-5 job and my roomie. The former means my time is more regimented, and I have fewer big chunks of it for just sitting and thinking and making, and the latter means I talk the poor woman's ears off at dinner instead of saving it up for lj like I used to.

But at the same time, I MISS gabbling with people, especially you. I have two of your posts currently sitting in my main bookmark folder, the "to be engaged with" queue -- "Persistence of Memory" and your meta about writing when you're obsessed. And I want to read your Batman. Just -- *pant pant* -- can't keep up! I often feel like a long, thoughtful post deserves a long, thoughtful answer (you know how I am about fic feedback), and then I'm squashed under my own internal guidelines and never reply at all. But they stay there in the Bookmark Queue of Intent.

Anyhow, I hope you do post more regularly at less length. Once a day is ambitious. But I don't want to lose touch completely!

Roomies are great ;o) I do think part of the reason I post less is if I have anything I really need to get out I can say it to my_daroga.

But yeah, I miss getting other POVs, and talking to lj people, and you :o)

I often feel like a long, thoughtful post deserves a long, thoughtful answer

My problem is sometimes I come up with long thoughtful answers whether posts are long or not, or whether anything deserves it or not. Sometimes I can't come up with anything short and pithy to save my life! But I'm actually better about keeping comments down to reasonable lengths, and making them, than I am about posting. I've been known not to reply at all a time or two because I have too much to say, though. It's true with fic I do feel the need to make very involved comments, but I haven't been reading much fic lately!

Once a day IS ambitious! I'm probably setting myself up for failure. But 15 min doesn't seem too long. ...I was taking into account formatting and tracking down links, and then somehow answering comments and perusing the ole flist too...

I hope we do keep in touch, and that I see your soup can a little more often whether commenting or posting, when and if you can . . .

I have a million things I could post about, but don’t, because it will take too long....

Oh, yeah, sometimes I have the same. I want to say my LJ friends about all those things I was doing but then I think about those all other things I should do and I don't post anything.

I hope you will keep going with this, first of all I really like to read your post, second, you know, it can be actually funny for you. I like these days when I post three or four times on my LJ and spam people their flists.

HEE. Well, thanks for the encouragement. I am glad.

And you're right, spamming can be fun!

THAT ICON = hot.

Spamming can be a great fun. I remember once when I was watching second season CSI: New York and

noelia_g told me spoilers to the final five episodes when I just started to watch this season and I was watching this all day and all night because I really wanted to see this final five episodes, and everybody went to sleep, Noelia went to sleep and there was no one who I was talking about this show, so one night I post some... I'm not sure... five posts? And I uploaded some 10-15 icons to CSI: NY. At the morning one of my friend said I'm insane. Well, I suppose she can be right :P

THAT ICON = hot.

Oh yeah, it is one of my favourites Christian photos. It is really hot.

80s baseball anime

!!!

Tell me more!

I used to be the same way, worrying that it was an indulgence to post or talk about myself rather than writing or doing things that need to get done or Watching Important Things, but I've gotten into the habit of emailing a friend every day and just blah blahing for like 5 pages and it's such a great release.

Anyway, you seem like an intelligent person and I'd love to read your thoughts on fanfic, writing and life in general. :))

Ooooooh a victim!

It's called "Touch". It's one of the best things ever. It was never released in America, and the version we are watching is subtitled by fans. I don't actually like baseball (I can see from your icon you might have a thing for it). I find it quite dull. But this makes me love it, and everything associated with it, times a million. It's about these twin boys; one is a slacker and one is the golden boy. The thing is, slacker!boy is better at everything, but won't try, for various reasons all gradually revealed and never expressed. Meanwhile, golden boy works his ass off (mostly at baseball, but everything else, too) in order to be even half as good as his brother. Then there's this girl they grew up with that they both want. Who is the baseball manager! And she always studies with golden boy and teases slacker boy about being lazy. And there's all this unspoken TENSION. And then the plot twist in ep 25 or so which changes the whole thing in a very daring, unexpected way. OMG.

If you're interested I'll find out more about where you can dl it. I do highly recommend it.

I've gotten into the habit of emailing a friend every day and just blah blahing for like 5 pages and it's such a great release.

What a great idea!

I don't have much to say about me or what I am doing. Most of the things I'm interested in tend to be very abstract. Some of my friends would get a kick out of this, I guess, but most (except for the ones I live with!) would be like, "Why is Joy emailing me about abstract moral conundrums, or patterns of social behavior?" Which is why lj is great, because people do not find it weird here that I actually have very few things to say about Real Life!

omg that sounds amazing! Please let me know where I can dl, and thanks so much!

Which is why lj is great, because people do not find it weird here that I actually have very few things to say about Real Life!

Yes! My posts about RL are usually two line observations about what someone just said at work. :)

I get lj neurosis too! I have so many posts that I basically write in my head and then don't post because they would be so long and I worry that my opinions on just ransom things would bore people. But I love to hear what other people think of things, so maybe we should worry less! I hope your 15 minutes thing goes well.

I do have a tendency for tangets, that is my main problem (have you seen the Sekrit HQ?! Me and K go off on the most random side conversation), and so often when I comment on things I end up saying, sorry this is so long/so rambly!

Also, James Herriot, as in the Yorkshire vet? All Creatures Great and Small? I love him so much.

See now, I really want to say something like "sorry, shutting up now" here, but that would be completely against the spirit of this post. So, please, I love to hear the rambles of others...

HEE. You and I are obviously kindred spirits ;o) I'm glad I'm not the only one!

The thing is when I get off on a tanget I think "ooooh this could be a whole 'nother post!" so I cut out the tangent completely, or I go off on the tangent making the whole thing 40 bajillion pages long. What I *should* do is limit myself to one idea per post, and if I get a tangential idea write it down, and make it it's own post. Then have a bunch of short punchy (interesting!) posts people can actually take the 5 min. required to read!

I have not looked at the HQ in a bit because of my whole time stress thing. But you see I have time to do this...and to stress about it. I hope all is going well!

Yes, that James Herriot. Did you know they made it into a show? I didn't know. I read All Creatures when I was quite young. Never made it to the other books, but anyway the show is fantastic!

There seem to be a few of us. I kind of like lj as a place to put all my witterings on paper (well, on screen). Its not that I don't tell RL people most of the things I put on here, I just find writing it all out untangles things for me.

I actually have a tag that is warning!tangent. It's like warning for spoilers, so that people know to proceed with caution!

THe HQ is fine. I was more holding it up as a physical example of my ability to go "because of this, which now I think about is like this, like when this happened, and then went here, and then..." First discussion day after tomorrow! Hurrah!

I can't believe you've heard of James Herriot! I vaguely remember knowing about the show, though I've never seen it. I had the audiobook with James Herriot reading it (he has such a good voice), and at the end they had like a little advert for the tv show. Thirsk (the RL Darrowby) is not all that far away from where I live, I keep meaning to go there on the train.

I don't tell most RL people things I say on lj . . . They would be like, "Joy, are you talking about Batman AGAIN?" This is why I love my housemate; I met her through lj and I CAN talk about fandom things ;o)

OMG I spent like 30 minutes on my post today because I was actually trying to post about something specific, and went on three different tangents, and went back and erased them, and then was like, "WHAT'S THE POINT OF ERASING I ONLY HAVE 15 MINUTES AGH!!!"

Yay discussion!

So far I love the tv show! My uncle is a horse vet; he told my mom I should read the books when I was quite young.

I think you're very interesting, a *great* writer, and I like your thinkiness. I also think that women in particular self-censor too often because we're told in various ways and from various directions that what we have to say isn't of value (which makes me both sad and stabby).

I used to make long posts fairly often in my primary journal, but I've been in a very internal headspace for the past few years and I *can't* make posts like that very often anymore as much as I want to. I miss it, and I'm glad when others do it.

One thing I *love* about lj is it's a place where women talk about things that I think they do not talk about elsewhere. Most of the things I want to talk about, I probably have a forum for elsewhere in the world--a graduate thesis, or my housemate's ear--but it's true that this is one of the few places I know that I can jabber on, and feel it's alright.

I'm sorry you haven't been able to post the way you want. That makes me sad, as I think you have incredible thoughts, and I love to toss them about with you. Mayhap something I say one day will spark your thinkiness, and maybe you will be comfortable writing long comments :o)

i liked this post.

my lj neurosis is that i have a single journal for both fic and my personal posts. so i public the fic and f-lock the personal. most of the folks on my f-list are real life, local friends, and we all post frequently about the mundane, and then read each others mundane-ness. (on a side note, which maybe is important: i have a kid, and most of my f-list is made up of parents so there is much fodder about the children. mainly how they discover constantly new ways to make us insane. so my f-list is often more like a support group in virtual.

also, i am severely and persistently mentally ill, an activist/engaged in anti-oppression, and in poverty. see above for instances of commonalities and likeness to support groups.)

so. but there are a few fandom people i have friended because i absolutely don't want to miss their fannish posts. just a handful, but i am very aware that they know little of me directly, yet have access both to very personal content and very mundane content, which i post nearly daily.

and sometimes i am even afraid that my close knit circle gets tired of my over-posting, rambling, and just generally creating mass amounts of content that have no consequence and are little more than my train of thought.

and then there are pan-flashes wherein a feel moved to make a personal "this is the state of sonya, in summery" public post, so that those who only see fic and fannish entries have a chance to know a little more about me as a human being. when i have this impulse, it freaks me out, and i have often made such a post and then deleted it soon after, or worried about it all day. (plus, self-summaries never express any more than a series of facts it seems. like paving stones with nothing between them.) also, i am left feeling pretentious, like who am i to assume that people who have friended my journal because they like my fic give two shits about my medical issues or what stupid human trick my five-year-old invented or how the welfare office makes me feel like i'm crumbling.

i think that i think i'm interesting, and that i think my life is an interesting one, and that my take on it all is interesting too. and how narcissistic a person does that make me? and what if i'm wrong? (in my head i am thinking of not leaving this comment at all, which is a perfect example of all of this.)

tl;dr: me too, both wordy and neurotic. i would love to read you.

when i have this impulse, it freaks me out, and i have often made such a post and then deleted it soon after, or worried about it all day.

Oh, I understand this very well. I hardly ever post about my personal life here. I mean, even with this post I made today, I don't plan to post about my personal life, and it has nothing to do with privacy or security or anything, and everything to do with, "does anyone really care?" and "does this really say anything about me?" and "does this help any of the problems I'm having?" (To which, btw, the answer is always no. Some people say talking about problems helps, to which I say absolutely, except you have to talk when you're ready, and for me talking just because someone says I should NEVER makes me feel better.)

For what it's worth, hon, I'm interested in you. I don't believe I have your friended any more, but I still click back on your journal to find out how you are, and I've missed our conversations. And I find your life very interesting, what I've seen of it. And I don't know about others, but when I am interested in someone's fic I also become interested in them, which is one thing I love about fandom on lj. I used to read fic I loved and think, "Who the fuck IS this person? Who are they that they could come up with this? What sort of person can say this/write this way? What else are they into?" So getting both sides of it on lj makes me happy.

I know all that might not necessarily be helpful, as reassurances don't actually help me to say stuff about myself either.

(plus, self-summaries never express any more than a series of facts it seems. like paving stones with nothing between them.)

Cool simile, and again, I know what you mean. I find that talking about fiction expresses more of who I feel I am than talking about, say, my job. One thing I do, either just naturally, or maybe it's developed as a result of my problem with talking about myself--though if so, it developed quite young, because I remember doing this when I was seven: I internalize real life things that happen. I process them by making them abstract, general things, that possibly can apply to other people to, or that may apply to life in general. In the end I talk about *these* things, and they are far more personal for me than talking about you know, what I did today, but it sounds like I'm talking about . . . anyone, or generalities, or society, or something. A little bit? Anyway, I dunno if that is exactly healthy or not, but I guess I'm trying to say, I totally feel you on having difficulty talking about myself sometimes.

Obviously, I have absolutely no trouble saying all this ;o)

Anywho, I'm glad you commented, because this is interesting, and makes me think a lot. I hope you know I welcome your thoughts, your wordiness, and your neuroses. More often than not I'll share a bit of it to some degree!

I think it is a great idea to a) post daily and b) give yourself a time-limit to make things more structured. Of course, I am biased because I like hearing your thoughts. They frequently turn out to be really really interesting!

Even if I don't always comment, I enjoy your thoughts too. And dude, some of the poems you've been posting lately have totally rocked my socks!

oh, thank you :)
Things have been so busy lately that when I find a poem or something that says what I want to say, I just post it. Easier than trying to get my brain to stop spinning long enough to be coherent!

That is awesome. I love how poems can capture things that can't be said with words. Because, uh, poems are words! But what they say is more.

As you can see, dear, you are not alone. I think I only post a quarter of what I consider posting about. I, however, love reading what others have to say, including this post.

I am glad I'm not the only one with the neurosis ;o) I love reading other people's thoughts too ...

A friend today posted about how the water in their neighbor's apartment had been running for the last 3 days, 3 days, and she told her landlord, and how could they not notice the water running, and she didn't want her bill to go up, and 3 days!

...for some reason I found it v. v. interesting, and could not stop reading. PEOPLE ARE JUST PLAIN FASCINATING.

lj neurosis! Mine has met and been wrangled into submission by my other ones [read: third year of grad school] and thus, this is the first time I have even looked at lj in over a week.

I do not have a problem with you being alternately verbose and elsewhere.

Oh fuck, language is not functioning for me currently: HI.

HI FEMME HI.

I miss you but now I want you to sleeeeeeeeep eat chocolate and do happy things!

And I am also good with you dropping in when you feel like it, and not when you don't. So, no stress :o)

I am trying to slip happy things in (like chocolate, especially)! But my difficulty with LJ moderation kind of makes me have to just look away sometimes, you know?

Oh, I know. I'm already doubting this 15 min thing will work very well . . .

*blank face*

...kidding. Looking forward to see you posting more. ^^

HA. I babble so so much that I don't understand why I'm so hurt when I think people aren't listening.

The thing is, if people SAY, "oh, I'm not listening", that's just fine.

I'm probably one of those not listening types. I don't talk much (i.e. I prefer not to open my mouth at all if I don't have to) but I get distracted by my own thoughts easily. But that's just my RL personality because on LJ, I also babble. On the other hand, I also pay more attention to what people say. Mainly because I like to play devil's advocate and argue. As long as I can do it in writing rather than verbally. :P ^^

You are not alone in having an LJ neurosis. I think about making a post, worry about it, wind up not making it. Not really for the same reasons you have, but kind of along the same lines. And sometimes it's all about not having enough time, as you said, even if my posts are not *nearly* as thinky and discussion-oriented as yours. Anyway, it's always lovely to see a post from you here. It's definitely worth the effort!

Hey! How ARE you! The post I just made, I was thinking of you, since I know you're always up for a book rec. ;o)

Well, the thinky probably takes less time than making an RL post would for me. Thinky comes to me naturally, RL I sometimes don't feel so practiced in . . . !

But it's always nice to hear from you, too!

You guys always make me feel so stupid and unthinky. Which I guess I am.

No. I mean, I haven't gotten that impression. K and I are just people who reflect on what we do. I think it's a good practice in general to be self-aware; I guess one could call it smart. But I don't think it makes someone necessarily intelligent.

And I'm someone who reflects upon reflections, and upon reflections of reflections. Sometimes I'm just standing in a room full of mirrors and not really seeing anything at all, you know? OMG I'VE DISCOVERED I'M RAOUL.

But anyway, sometimes people talk and they sound so knowledgeable and intelligent and it makes me feel dumb. And then I really think about what they say and realize they're either full of themselves or an idiot. Usually both.

I hope I'm not full of myself or an idiot (or both), but...well, lots of times my excessive thinkiness clears nothing up, and makes stuff a lot harder.

Um. This probably doesn't help. But I'm often not terribly secure about my own intelligence, and while I feel fairly objectively certain I'm not stupid, I feel stupid a lot of the time.

For what it's worth, J. and I talk a lot more than you do. Which may be 1) intimidating and 2) giving the illusion of greater thinkiness than we would if we shut up once in awhile.

I'm not trying to speak for her, really, but to say that talking != thinking deeply, not all the time.

Sweetiecakes! Go for it! Write, be verbose, go on tangents. This is LJ-land. This is, as you say, where you can do it. And knowing you and your LJ, people will respond and I'll show up days too late and five bucks too short (as seems to be my habit) with some asinine and completely irrelevant response.

I'm having the opposite problem because I know that people don't really read my journal so I keep thinking, what's the point of posting what's not getting read. But then I think: Practice! And that's good, too. As an exercise in working out thoughts and theories, even without the sounding board to bounce ideas back and flesh out theories and worm out the wormy, hole-y bits. And then, every now and again, someone will comment and my brain has to work.

So, post, jeune fille. Post! Write long, thinky, drawn out things. Even if its only 15 minutes worth of thoughts, I think, people will come and read and comment. If you haven't noticed, it's always a party and a good time when you show back up. WE MISS you and your brain when you're away being shy and unsure.

OK? Ok.

I <3 you, L.

I never think you're short a cent, and in fact cash in way more than some things I say deserve, and I never think you're asinine or irrelevant either. It makes me sad you think so, because I always value your comments and really think about what you say!

But I do know the feeling of getting to an lj-party too late, and then no one but the OP sees your comment, and it doesn't feel as discussiony that way.

It may not be very many, but people totally read your journal, too. I have the old!fics you posted tabbed to read on my day off tomorrow--though I think I've already read two of them, on your website. Anywho, due for a reread, and I'm getting you your comments on your fic tomorrow! (Am looking forward to a day off of doing Cool Things and not Errand Things. Also not Sick Things which was my last day off!) Anywho I say this because I am thinking of my_daroga, and how periodically we talk about our flists, and how you've come up quite a few times in conversations and--well, we're both fully updated as far as your journal goes ;o)

But I can understand how lack of commentage can be depressing :o(

I miss lj too! And getting thoughts out. I used to do this thing in highschool where I'd write a lot of my thinky reflective thoughts in a journal, and a lot about writing technique too. What is interesting is it was intensely personal for me, but not necessarily private. I post the same sorts of stuff here, or have in the past. So I figure . . . obviously part of me needs to do this, so why not here, where I can get other thoughts to build off of, esp. when the people I know here have such cool thoughts, and I can have it typed and hyperlinked to boot!

Anywho, I think we should both agree to just talk, and talk, because we are cool when we talk. We think of amazing things! And I think we are a dynamic duo, personally. Because you have amazing thinky posts and I have thinky posts and then we both do long thinky comments, and we're like a think tank, L, a veritable think tank, and our think shall TAKE OVER THE WORLD . . . or at least entertain us, of an eve ;o)

OK!

Ha ha! I don't get on AIM for that very reason.
Anyway, I think it's interesting to read what people think about writing and fanfic and life in general. At least, I think you're an interesting person, and so I would be curious to know what you think about things. Anyway, that's my two cents worth. =)

Obviously I have lj issues as well, in different directions, but I'm almost constantly thinking that I'm "letting someone down" by not posting enough/thinking enough about what I post. The things that are probably more interesting and important would take time, and for what? So two people could respond, one of whom might give me some discussion. So what happens is I write off brief reviews and, when the pressure builds, give in to f-locked private "woe is me" posts that I regret except sometimes they *do* make me feel better. The result, however, is a continuance of the cycle of not posting things that would make me feel like my lj was a cool place to be.

Obviously you and I are in a different place because I get all your stuffs in person, which I am so so grateful for, but at the same time I adore your LJ posts because I like seeing where you go with the stuff we talk about--and what you've been thinking about on your own that I don't know about.

I love reading your posts; between the ADD and the fact that I drop offline for long periods, I find it very difficult to have conversations. I'll look at a long-ago comment that's still in my inbox because I wanted to say something, and realize that it's ancient, and just archive it, because it seems... stale. Even though it maybe wasn't. I also suffer from worrying about being stupid and talking too much (god, I wish those old voices would STFU), so I tend to drop out. I read a lot, though, and am always happy when I see your name on a post. for what it's worth.

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Time in the world (to talk)

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