Attn: H/D fic help

[lettered]

...the whole five of you who would even click on a Harry/Draco fic, much less read one:

I seem to have found . . . 45,000 words worth of a crack, massive, lame, embarrassing H/D WIP on my hard drive that I don't see myself finishing, and yet every time I check it, filled with innocent bewilderment, the word count goes up another 5,000 or so.

I was wondering whether any of the <5 of you could:
a. explain to me how this got on my hard drive,
b. read it and help me,
c. shoot me now,
d. hold my hand and pet it while I dissolve into tears of despair and self-loathing, while not letting anyone involved in Jossverse know,
e. all of the above.

Comments

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Yeah. But there were lots of phans before 2004, and new ones every day, and many of *those* were still not-my-phantom, too. I mean, I know there's this gigantic influx from the movie, but it just surprised me so much before that how it was growing even without a movie or anything.

I laugh in the face of wank, usually. But for some reason POTO wank really bugs the hell out of me. Possibly because I had to listen to so much emo whining and complaining and suicidal tendencies when I *was* more into phandom. I dunno, I feel really sour about it in ways I don't about all other wankage.

I think part of me wants the phandom to be Mine in some ego-centric way.

I understand this very much. I have the big fish syndrome in most things I do. And it kinda frustrated me, in the past, to feel that my work was truly *good* and not getting recognized enough.

Yeah, Buffyverse used to be batshit insane, from what I can tell.

Do you mean, "that" fannish about anything besides Buffyverse? As far as *feeling* that fannish: yes, I will. As far as acting that fannish: I'm not sure. I love Buffyverse more than most things I've been fannish about, but in the end, I am a type who goes from obsession to obsession. I come back to many, and will always love some, but when I'm onto the next thing it's all I think about, for a while. (Dude, me and H/D, right now, is kinda like that).

But Buffyverse fandom was the first place where I ever made lots of friends, where I ever felt appreciated, where I felt like making the effort (and it is a colossal effort) to go new directions in fic, to ask thoughtful questions, to try to get people excited, to really try to ADD to the fannish community, and it's because I felt so welcomed and loved and cherished in Buffyverse. I'm not so sure it'll ever be worth making that kind of effort again in another fandom, because I have the community I always longed for in Buffyverse, even when my actual fannish interest turns to new things. Does that make sense?

Anyway, sorry, if that's not what you were asking. About you and POTO?

[my_daroga]

True, phans come from everywhere. It is an on phenomenon. I hope, one day, I'll be able to at least partially explain it.

Ah; so you're probably burned out on the poto wank, hunh? Understandable. I probably won't last much longer.

That's totally what I was asking: I just feel not obsessed anymore, and I wonder if I can be. Since Buffy ended, I haven't set my vcr to record anything. I haven't developed any new rituals. Or collected anything. I write, when I have an idea, but I'm no longer consumed. I think it's an age thing. But I miss it, the obsession, the single-mindedness, the energy of it. That's why I wonder if it will come back.

I still wander in phandom because I want a *place*. And I'm comfy with the canon. But that place isn't there, and I don't have the energy for anything else.