Attn: H/D fic help

[lettered]

...the whole five of you who would even click on a Harry/Draco fic, much less read one:

I seem to have found . . . 45,000 words worth of a crack, massive, lame, embarrassing H/D WIP on my hard drive that I don't see myself finishing, and yet every time I check it, filled with innocent bewilderment, the word count goes up another 5,000 or so.

I was wondering whether any of the <5 of you could:
a. explain to me how this got on my hard drive,
b. read it and help me,
c. shoot me now,
d. hold my hand and pet it while I dissolve into tears of despair and self-loathing, while not letting anyone involved in Jossverse know,
e. all of the above.

Comments

[my_daroga]

Oh yeah, I should have ACTUALLY READ YOUR LJ. Haha. That is interesting news, and I too am struck by Summer Glau's body and its movements, so this is interesting.

Yes, I did mean Twisted Every Way. I need to do more on that theme, though.

Ohohohoho the ALW news: He's going ahead with writing a musical sequel to POTO based on POManhattan by Forsyth. AKA THE WORST BOOK EVER. But the one that make me write fanfic. But maybe I would have anyway. Anyway, that's the news, and phantom is all KURFUFFLE.

Please do with the contemplating; I will eagerly hear your thoughts and use/discard as required.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

hahahah no! I have these big convos with people without having read their ljs and they end up having to repeat much info. I mean, I try to keep up with everyone, esp people like you whom I really care about, but I don't expect you to hang on my every post because I don't on yours. You know? You know.

I liked TEW. It was twisted. I think...that was what you were going for.

NO WAY! I remember we friended over you saying POManhattan sucked, and me saying Kay does too, and you saying ...oh. I need to read that, if only so I know what will be up with the new musical. Even if it all sucks and shit. Phandom frankly scares me.

[my_daroga]

If you need to borrow my copy, let me know. I want to keep it as an exhibit of its sheer horror, but I'd rather you didn't buy it.

Phandom is... interesting. Seriously, I wish I could write in a more sensible one (Buffy really doesn't seem that bad). But I suck. (You know.) I did that friending meme, and like I told you I knew everyone I needed to. That's, like, ten people. Who are just as disgusted with everyone as I am, and don't do anything.

[tkp.livejournal.com]

I think Buffyverse *now* is pretty okay, actually, but I shudder to think of participating in fandom when the show was airing. The interesting thing about phandom, I think, is how there was never really a point where there was new canon, but people are still *so* into it. And often *so* fucked up in the head. Jesus.

If you don't want me to buy it, yes, you have to send me your copy. I will send it back to you!

[my_daroga]

Yeah, true. Though if you've been around phandom at all lately, the 2004!movie stirred up a lot of new fans, and a really lame variety. *That* was pretty much "new canon," because it goes against what a lot of use former fans were on about, and led to a lot of fic that wasn't in line with our view of canon. There is *still* a notmyphantom community! And an emmy_sucks Plus the flip side.

Seriously, part of me hangs out in phandom because of the fucked-upedness. Have you ever read phanwank? A lot of it is former phanbrats whining about current ones, but a lot of it is sheer wtf-ery.

I think part of me wants the phandom to be Mine in some ego-centric way. I think I've said before, the big fish syndrome. Small canon, not too much to keep track of, internalized to such a degree I can write it in my sleep, *and* not that competitive. I lurk on the edges of Buffy, but I want to Rule phandom. Though I'm not so good at it. The ruling, that is. I mean, naturally I RULE, but you know. I also ROCK, but it doesn't mean I've got a record deal.

But point taken about Buffyverse now. Yes, I recall reading *about* shipper wars and the like. We can all get a long, now. Mostly.

Do you ever wonder if... you'll ever get *that* fannish about anything again?

[tkp.livejournal.com]

Yeah. But there were lots of phans before 2004, and new ones every day, and many of *those* were still not-my-phantom, too. I mean, I know there's this gigantic influx from the movie, but it just surprised me so much before that how it was growing even without a movie or anything.

I laugh in the face of wank, usually. But for some reason POTO wank really bugs the hell out of me. Possibly because I had to listen to so much emo whining and complaining and suicidal tendencies when I *was* more into phandom. I dunno, I feel really sour about it in ways I don't about all other wankage.

I think part of me wants the phandom to be Mine in some ego-centric way.

I understand this very much. I have the big fish syndrome in most things I do. And it kinda frustrated me, in the past, to feel that my work was truly *good* and not getting recognized enough.

Yeah, Buffyverse used to be batshit insane, from what I can tell.

Do you mean, "that" fannish about anything besides Buffyverse? As far as *feeling* that fannish: yes, I will. As far as acting that fannish: I'm not sure. I love Buffyverse more than most things I've been fannish about, but in the end, I am a type who goes from obsession to obsession. I come back to many, and will always love some, but when I'm onto the next thing it's all I think about, for a while. (Dude, me and H/D, right now, is kinda like that).

But Buffyverse fandom was the first place where I ever made lots of friends, where I ever felt appreciated, where I felt like making the effort (and it is a colossal effort) to go new directions in fic, to ask thoughtful questions, to try to get people excited, to really try to ADD to the fannish community, and it's because I felt so welcomed and loved and cherished in Buffyverse. I'm not so sure it'll ever be worth making that kind of effort again in another fandom, because I have the community I always longed for in Buffyverse, even when my actual fannish interest turns to new things. Does that make sense?

Anyway, sorry, if that's not what you were asking. About you and POTO?

[my_daroga]

True, phans come from everywhere. It is an on phenomenon. I hope, one day, I'll be able to at least partially explain it.

Ah; so you're probably burned out on the poto wank, hunh? Understandable. I probably won't last much longer.

That's totally what I was asking: I just feel not obsessed anymore, and I wonder if I can be. Since Buffy ended, I haven't set my vcr to record anything. I haven't developed any new rituals. Or collected anything. I write, when I have an idea, but I'm no longer consumed. I think it's an age thing. But I miss it, the obsession, the single-mindedness, the energy of it. That's why I wonder if it will come back.

I still wander in phandom because I want a *place*. And I'm comfy with the canon. But that place isn't there, and I don't have the energy for anything else.