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request: help

Attn: H/D fic help

...the whole five of you who would even click on a Harry/Draco fic, much less read one:

I seem to have found . . . 45,000 words worth of a crack, massive, lame, embarrassing H/D WIP on my hard drive that I don't see myself finishing, and yet every time I check it, filled with innocent bewilderment, the word count goes up another 5,000 or so.

I was wondering whether any of the <5 of you could:
a. explain to me how this got on my hard drive,
b. read it and help me,
c. shoot me now,
d. hold my hand and pet it while I dissolve into tears of despair and self-loathing, while not letting anyone involved in Jossverse know,
e. all of the above.

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No, I meant my POTO novella. The one of fiction. That read JUST LIKE FRACKIN' KAY. At least, Erik's voice at the beginning. I want to be a cool kid! I didn't even mean to do it, I wanted to make my own Erik, but I guess it'd been too long since I read Leroux. Now I hate me!

But I adore you. You are the cutest thing ever. Will you move in with me/us? Because then you wouldn't have to freeze your cookies, you could just bring them to my room, with your notes. Much more convenient.

Because, also? I TOTALLY want to do that young!Erik thing with you. I'm sure we could be a good team: write together, and split up directing/design duties. And Mr. D can do music, yes? (He's getting good at choral and string arrangements.) We would rule. All worlds.

I'm about to squee all over you. Eww!

Okay, so the POTParadise chapters are here. The nanowrimo novel is here. They're both .doc files, so you can just download them (when you have a place to do so) or you can find them again under the "nanowrimo" or "phantom of the paradise" tags.

That said, I'm really sad about your laptop. That would kill me. Except I don't have a laptop.

(I'm so glad you like my fic. Really really. Not enough people read me for my own vanity. But YOU make up for it. Come over! I'm making cookies and watching Firefly.)

Ah. I was confused. My first thought was of your novella, but then I thought "Joy. 'Tis more of a novella" and thus I thought, "Mayhap she means Phantom of Paradise! Also, I would jolly well like to think to myself in Shakespearean and yet I always sound like a two bit hack of a cross between Spike and Dick Van Dyke's Cockney." So, so, so, novella.

I did notice a use of "dear" which struck me as very Kayian. Perhaps some of the voice in the beginning was Kayian as well, but deeper in I felt like the piece got more of a rhythm going, which I warmed to far more than the beginning. Imo you picked an extremely risky and difficult POV. I actually think it is easier to get as close as you did in third than it is in first, which is rather an irony. I don't know what I'm saying. It is a very difficult concept imo and you handled it with a complexity which I very much admired. I bring this up because it has to do with voice. This is why I am very, "No, no! I must determine my whole outlook on POV, writing and general and the nature of the universe before I give K comments, vacuum the floor, or send Christmas cards!!!" With three punctuation marks. You see why my life is difficult; I make it so; I wish I didn't as it is an exceedingly difficult trait to have. Because it makes life difficult, you see. It also causes circular reasoning. It has many many effects on the central nervous system. Don't hate you, K, for I like you very much!

If I could make you cookies any time I wanted you would discover the pleasure that is food. Food would approach your mouth and you would go "wheeee!!!" I swear it. Then again you are a vegetarian so NEVER MIND. I bite my thumb at you. Actually I bite my bacon at you. Mmm. Bacon.

We would totally rule all worlds!

Thank you for the linkage! I think that yes, I will wait until I have a laptop to put them on. One of the worst things about losing the laptop is I feel very displaced. Like, I can't do stuff like read and write and work off of a place that is not MINE. I can do internet stuff because it is temporary and it is not something I need to...have personal space for, if that makes sense. This is possibly why my comments are so rambley; I don't feel like writing or reading anything because I don't have my laptop (did I mention I miss it) so I'm just leaking brain parts everywhere. One of the other worst things is that gyros will always taste bittersweet to me. But only if I add lemon and sugar to them. I don't think I'll do that.

I was totally going to watch Firefly earlier! Then I didn't. OMG I HAVE SUMMER GLAU NEWS IT'S SO FRAKKIN' CRAZY. I love your fic. I love your novella. I look forward to reading your other things. I should get on that E/P thing. When I have a comp. Rereading my old fic made me feel a BIT phannish again. Plus I rewatched the 2004 film which was more atrocious than I remember. I think ER's character is supposed to be mentally unstable. I think she was labotomized. I think she's more fucked up than Erik, actually. Plus, I worry for her skin. She looks like a vampire. I also worry about her waist. Her waist looks like sand would not fit through it. I still think she is hot, though. I still think there should be ballerina slash. Dude. There needs to be Christine-thinking-about-her-"Angel"-while-Meg-goes-down-on-her!fic. *nods emphatically*

Yes, "dear" needs to go, among other things. Yes. As to the pov aspects, Mr. D wanted me to change to 3rd, but I don't know if I want to lose his voice. On the other hand, it might make him less Kayish if he's not narrating.

Dude, if I could eat cookies all day, every day (and maybe some cheeeesy pasta and/or pizza), I would be totally happy. I *do* enjoy those foodz! Really. But these are not the key to survival so my life is difficult, nearly as difficult as it is for you. And I used to like bacon. Woe. (I bought veggie pepperoni the other day. Have yet to try it.) LOL YOU EAT ANIMALS!

Um... Summer Glau news? Are you sharing?

Also, yes, ER is totally braindead. And did you read my lesbian ballerina piece, totally inspired by her? Actually, inspired by Meg's bozoms. For reals. And I really hope you get all phannish and come out and play with me. It is lonely here. (OMG did you hear the Lord L-W news?)

Glau news here. No, I didn't hear any ALW news.

Do you mean Twisted Every Way? I thought I did...I can't see any fb by me, though, so I'll try to remember to leave some.

I love animals! They taste so good.

POV: like I said, I think it would almost be easier in third, but I hesitate to add my voice to Mr. D's because part of what I thought was so great about it was what you managed to do in first. I will contemplate on it.

Oh yeah, I should have ACTUALLY READ YOUR LJ. Haha. That is interesting news, and I too am struck by Summer Glau's body and its movements, so this is interesting.

Yes, I did mean Twisted Every Way. I need to do more on that theme, though.

Ohohohoho the ALW news: He's going ahead with writing a musical sequel to POTO based on POManhattan by Forsyth. AKA THE WORST BOOK EVER. But the one that make me write fanfic. But maybe I would have anyway. Anyway, that's the news, and phantom is all KURFUFFLE.

Please do with the contemplating; I will eagerly hear your thoughts and use/discard as required.

hahahah no! I have these big convos with people without having read their ljs and they end up having to repeat much info. I mean, I try to keep up with everyone, esp people like you whom I really care about, but I don't expect you to hang on my every post because I don't on yours. You know? You know.

I liked TEW. It was twisted. I think...that was what you were going for.

NO WAY! I remember we friended over you saying POManhattan sucked, and me saying Kay does too, and you saying ...oh. I need to read that, if only so I know what will be up with the new musical. Even if it all sucks and shit. Phandom frankly scares me.

If you need to borrow my copy, let me know. I want to keep it as an exhibit of its sheer horror, but I'd rather you didn't buy it.

Phandom is... interesting. Seriously, I wish I could write in a more sensible one (Buffy really doesn't seem that bad). But I suck. (You know.) I did that friending meme, and like I told you I knew everyone I needed to. That's, like, ten people. Who are just as disgusted with everyone as I am, and don't do anything.

I think Buffyverse *now* is pretty okay, actually, but I shudder to think of participating in fandom when the show was airing. The interesting thing about phandom, I think, is how there was never really a point where there was new canon, but people are still *so* into it. And often *so* fucked up in the head. Jesus.

If you don't want me to buy it, yes, you have to send me your copy. I will send it back to you!

Yeah, true. Though if you've been around phandom at all lately, the 2004!movie stirred up a lot of new fans, and a really lame variety. *That* was pretty much "new canon," because it goes against what a lot of use former fans were on about, and led to a lot of fic that wasn't in line with our view of canon. There is *still* a

notmyphantom community! And an

emmy_sucks Plus the flip side.

Seriously, part of me hangs out in phandom because of the fucked-upedness. Have you ever read

phanwank? A lot of it is former phanbrats whining about current ones, but a lot of it is sheer wtf-ery.

I think part of me wants the phandom to be Mine in some ego-centric way. I think I've said before, the big fish syndrome. Small canon, not too much to keep track of, internalized to such a degree I can write it in my sleep, *and* not that competitive. I lurk on the edges of Buffy, but I want to Rule phandom. Though I'm not so good at it. The ruling, that is. I mean, naturally I RULE, but you know. I also ROCK, but it doesn't mean I've got a record deal.

But point taken about Buffyverse now. Yes, I recall reading *about* shipper wars and the like. We can all get a long, now. Mostly.

Do you ever wonder if... you'll ever get *that* fannish about anything again?

Yeah. But there were lots of phans before 2004, and new ones every day, and many of *those* were still not-my-phantom, too. I mean, I know there's this gigantic influx from the movie, but it just surprised me so much before that how it was growing even without a movie or anything.

I laugh in the face of wank, usually. But for some reason POTO wank really bugs the hell out of me. Possibly because I had to listen to so much emo whining and complaining and suicidal tendencies when I *was* more into phandom. I dunno, I feel really sour about it in ways I don't about all other wankage.

I think part of me wants the phandom to be Mine in some ego-centric way.

I understand this very much. I have the big fish syndrome in most things I do. And it kinda frustrated me, in the past, to feel that my work was truly *good* and not getting recognized enough.

Yeah, Buffyverse used to be batshit insane, from what I can tell.

Do you mean, "that" fannish about anything besides Buffyverse? As far as *feeling* that fannish: yes, I will. As far as acting that fannish: I'm not sure. I love Buffyverse more than most things I've been fannish about, but in the end, I am a type who goes from obsession to obsession. I come back to many, and will always love some, but when I'm onto the next thing it's all I think about, for a while. (Dude, me and H/D, right now, is kinda like that).

But Buffyverse fandom was the first place where I ever made lots of friends, where I ever felt appreciated, where I felt like making the effort (and it is a colossal effort) to go new directions in fic, to ask thoughtful questions, to try to get people excited, to really try to ADD to the fannish community, and it's because I felt so welcomed and loved and cherished in Buffyverse. I'm not so sure it'll ever be worth making that kind of effort again in another fandom, because I have the community I always longed for in Buffyverse, even when my actual fannish interest turns to new things. Does that make sense?

Anyway, sorry, if that's not what you were asking. About you and POTO?

True, phans come from everywhere. It is an on phenomenon. I hope, one day, I'll be able to at least partially explain it.

Ah; so you're probably burned out on the poto wank, hunh? Understandable. I probably won't last much longer.

That's totally what I was asking: I just feel not obsessed anymore, and I wonder if I can be. Since Buffy ended, I haven't set my vcr to record anything. I haven't developed any new rituals. Or collected anything. I write, when I have an idea, but I'm no longer consumed. I think it's an age thing. But I miss it, the obsession, the single-mindedness, the energy of it. That's why I wonder if it will come back.

I still wander in phandom because I want a *place*. And I'm comfy with the canon. But that place isn't there, and I don't have the energy for anything else.

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